My eldest child is not my husband’s biological son. He has lived with us from the age of four so has been his stepdad for nine years. For background, my husband is usually great and we argue rarely. My son is lovely but can be intense. Has had camhs referrals in the past and we have teenage attitude etc now on top. His relationship with his dad causes lots of issues with him and he’s obviously very insecure in how his dad feels about him. I dislike his dad due to his behaviour throughout his life and find it difficult to navigate this when my son worships him, seemingly to win his approval. It breaks my heart.
Son has just come back from his dad’s house. I asked a question about logistics for his dad’s next visit and my son could tell that I was unhappy (relating to his dad apparently breaking COVID rules, exposing us to loads more people and potentially putting our plans at risk. This has happened a lot.) That started my son off, sort of going into defence mode about his dad because I was unhappy about his dad’s apparent plans. Telling me he doesn’t want to live with me etc. I think I shouldn’t have asked so soon when he came back because he’s always quite emotional and upset when he comes back and knows me well enough to know when I’m annoyed at his dad, even if I don’t say it. These outbursts are partly due to him being quite OTT anyway, but he now has teenage hormones, doesn’t seem to sleep well at his dad’s and comes back exhausted and emotional. I left it and said I’d talk to his dad about it.
I came downstairs and vented to my husband about the argument within minutes of him walking through the door. I feel a bit like his punching bag at times and I find it really difficult to cope with. I walk away from arguments with him second guessing myself, worrying that I should have been more stern or that I handled it wrong. I said that I was annoyed he’d just behaved like a right arsehole to me, telling me he wouldn’t live with me anymore and kicking his furniture. Probably sounds extreme but he still has tantrums a bit like a toddler at times. I’ve become desensitised to him flailing around and writhing on the floor. I’ve tried many things over the years to deal with this but nothing has worked and camhs have discharged him, telling me that they didn’t want to diagnose him with anything because he isn’t bad enough to need medication and a diagnosis can mean a child accepts the label and nothing improves... but that he has symptoms of OCD, anxiety, an impulse control disorder and ADD and it will probably get worse during his teenage years 
. In actual fact, a lot of things have improved and he controls himself much better at school than at home. He never shows any kind of negative emotions in front of his dad so it all comes out with me.
In my opinion, that was me venting to my husband about a situation and then possibly discussing how to deal with it. I don’t know if I have cause this situation by using the word arsehole and I feel crap that I did. He then said “I don’t know why you’re surprised, he IS an arsehole. That’s his personality”. Which I think is a completely different thing. Took issue with it straight away and challenged it. He told me that I just said exactly the same thing. In my mind, the two are very different. I was expressing my frustration at what had just happened and his behaviour, he was just insulting my son. I really don’t know if that is my fault for using the word arsehole. I shouldn’t have done it.
Husband wouldn’t really explain himself and just said that I’d said exactly the same thing. He got annoyed that I was pushing for him to explain himself. He said that my son should know what his dad is like by now and basically that it shouldn’t be affecting him. That he’d credited him with more intelligence than that, but clearly got it wrong. He’s just turned thirteen. He is a child with a child’s brain who doesn’t have the emotional maturity or the perspective to analyse his relationship with his own dad. I was absolutely incredulous and told my husband that his feelings and behaviours towards his dad are entirely normal for a child in this situation and that my husband is actually the person lacking in intelligence and emotional maturity for thinking that a young teenager has the same brain as an adult. He refused to discuss anymore. He often seems to think he can opt out of a discussion because he doesn’t want to have it right now and I’m forcing the conversation on him, but if he’s going to say that then I’m not going to schedule in a discussion. I’m going to challenge it there and then. He refused to say much more, I just got a few deadpan responses of “oh right” and “sorry”. But it’s not genuine. It not the first time he has expressed the opinion that my son shouldn’t be affected by his relationship with his dad. I mentioned this and said that he clearly wasn’t sorry and didn’t take on board anything I’d said in the past because he still thinks this way. He’s also insulting my son by saying that he is thick and that if he was intelligent enough, he wouldn’t be bothered by this.
I’m shell shocked. No idea what to say or do. He is usually mildly passive aggressive or will just try to brush things under the carpet and act as though it didn’t happen. He angrily cleaned around me for a while not really responding to anything I said, so I left the room and told him I was disgusted by what he’d just said. I’ve had a shower and come down to find he has taken our younger child out. My eldest son thinks he did tell him that he was going out for a bit and to let me know but wasn’t fully listening and can’t remember. He would never usually take him out without telling me or saying bye, so it is related to our argument.
No idea where to go from here. I am so angry that a grown man would imply that it is my son’s own fault that he is so upset and has tangled up feelings towards his dad after constantly being let down and rejected by him. Not just any grown man, my husband, the person I have him sharing a home with. I’ve previously told him that he should educate himself by reading up on the brain of a teenager and why it isn’t the same as an adults, or just look at the damage a messed up relationship with a parent is still causing people who are now adults. But he’s clearly ignored me and thinks my son should be over this by now. Where do I go from here??