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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH has got me a shit present

81 replies

bottledants · 21/12/2020 14:31

Just went to Amazon - used DH account as he has prime - to order a book for DS1. There is a book there DH has ordered which must be for me, and for Christmas. About ten years ago this was a subject I had some interest in but not for a decade. There is a subject I am very interested in at the moment that I regularly talk to DH and have no books on. Mind you, the reason I have no books on it is because I don't have time to read books. I would have more time to read books if DH shared an equal load of family chores. But when I mention this to DH he angrily argues that he does EVERYTHING and I do NOTHING.
So I made a list of all the things he does and all the things I do and asked to discuss it but he refuses to.

Or he could have got me a decent umbrella being as I have complained a lot about kids destroying my decent one and we live in a very rainy country.

In fact anything that shows he pays attention to who I am and what my life is would have done.

I don't want to read this fucking book, its just a reminder that this arsehole is utterly uninterested in me and can't be arsed to learn anything about me.

OP posts:
User878856488 · 21/12/2020 22:45

@soopedup

The point is that all this shit makes you feel unseen and like a non person. So why should he gets to put his cock inside you every day or whenever when he literally can’t be arsed to click a few amazon buttons and order something relevant. If they can’t make a tiny bit of effort on special occasions then what is the point? What a shit life. Why. What makes it worth being with this person and lying in bed with them letting them gripe away. At this point you are basically a free prostitute because that’s the way they see you. Dump his disrespectful arse and go find somebody who buys you a thoughtful gift a few times a year. It’s time women started dumping guys like this over and over again until they get the fucking picture
Don't get this at all. So if getting you a rubbish present makes you a free prostitute ( is there such a thing?), Then does getting you a lovely present make you a paid one? There's something wrong with these analogies and they aren't women friendly.
sadie9 · 21/12/2020 23:16

Why don't you tell him what you want for Christmas. Instead of hoping people will notice from complaints and comments you make.
Ask him about the book he seems to have ordered. Then say you prefer something else. Talk straight to the guy...instead of walking around furious behind his back.

peboh · 22/12/2020 06:58

@soopedup

The point is that all this shit makes you feel unseen and like a non person. So why should he gets to put his cock inside you every day or whenever when he literally can’t be arsed to click a few amazon buttons and order something relevant. If they can’t make a tiny bit of effort on special occasions then what is the point? What a shit life. Why. What makes it worth being with this person and lying in bed with them letting them gripe away. At this point you are basically a free prostitute because that’s the way they see you. Dump his disrespectful arse and go find somebody who buys you a thoughtful gift a few times a year. It’s time women started dumping guys like this over and over again until they get the fucking picture
How on earth did prostitution come up? Nobody should have to pay (in gifts) for their partner to sleep with them. What a daft bloody analogy. I swear some people on here don't actually get out much in the real world.
BigButtons · 22/12/2020 07:06

@User878856488
“ Don't get this at all. So if getting you a rubbish present makes you a free prostitute ( is there such a thing?), Then does getting you a lovely present make you a paid one? There's something wrong with these analogies and they aren't women friendly.”

I get the analogy. It is because they are being used, not seen as an individual, not cared about as a person.

User878856488 · 22/12/2020 08:41

@BigButtons

But the analogy is wrong. It's saying why are you giving sex in this situation? It's saying sex should be paid for in some way. It's saying woman are always prostitutes. Either free or paid. It's misogynistic.

You don't get it at all.

Fizbosshoes · 22/12/2020 08:57

My DH basically checks out of December Christmas. It's a manic time if year at work, and he literally cant think about anything else. Until last year, hed never bought either of our DC a gift (they are tween/teen). I pointed this out so instead of looking at their wish lists which they stick on the fridge he bought a book one of them had already got! This year I directed him to the list, but by last week he hadnt got anything so I ended up getting the items. Most of it will be a surprise to DH. I am getting a present this year because I sent him a link and I saw the branded post arrive!

JaneExotic · 22/12/2020 09:09

@Dawninglory THATS brilliant!!

Dawninglory · 22/12/2020 09:31

Made me laugh!

kobo · 22/12/2020 09:56

I'm with diverseopinions. Of course life is too short to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you and makes you unhappy but you owe it to yourself, your marriage and your children to try and work at the problems first. Everyone here saying divorce him, why not try marriage counselling or a trial separation so he sees how hard you work?

bottledants · 22/12/2020 10:05

Talk straight to the guy...instead of walking around furious behind his back

Did you miss the post where I said I repeatedly told him that I didn't want chocolate and he bought me shitloads of chocolate? You can talk to this guy till you are blue in the face, and I have over many pointless years, it makes fuck all difference. As another poster astutely put it, I have no voice. I really don't.

OP posts:
Marty13 · 22/12/2020 10:06

"Why don't you tell him what you want for Christmas. Instead of hoping people will notice from complaints and comments you make."

Because gifts are about showing that you are interested in someone and pay attention to what they want or need ?

OP, I'd stop doing anything around the house. He won't mind since he is already doing everything...

ReindeerAntlerLights · 22/12/2020 10:40

"Why don't you tell him what you want for Christmas. Instead of hoping people will notice from complaints and comments you make."

Because gifts are about showing that you are interested in someone and pay attention to what they want or need?

You see I can see both sides of this. Dh is caring, attentive, listens, sends me links to things he knows I am interested in or talked about etc so when it comes to Christmas gifts I have probably already talked about what I want or shown him stuff. So most times my gifts are not surprises but I know that I am listened to so it is not a big deal.

This year he bought me a Dyson Airwrap, I got it early as I need the long barrels and he was worried it would go out of stock plus it came with a 30 day money back guarantee so he told me in advance that I would need to open it and use it to make sure I am happy with it, I am. It is that kind of thought that people should put into gifts.

My DH basically checks out of December Christmas. It's a manic time if year at work, and he literally cant think about anything else. Until last year, hed never bought either of our DC a gift (they are tween/teen)

My Dh also has a job that isn't 9-5 and has been incredibly busy working parts of the weekends for months on end, on call at nights on a rota but he still buys gifts for the children. I think lots of people have done online shopping, hardly difficult.

He knows that you will step in every time, just like you did this year, again "so I ended up getting the items" but why? Why did you not make him do this? If he knows that every December they are busy, why is he not buying stuff early? Because you will rescue it every, single, time. It is sad. Do you buy him gifts?

OP, I completely understand why you are sad and frustrated by his actions. The chocolate thing is awful. He did it to make himself feel good, I got her a gift, not the recipient of the gift.

Porcupineinwaiting · 22/12/2020 10:44

So, if he's as awful as you say he is, why are you still married?

GU24Mum · 22/12/2020 10:46

I feel your pain OP though your partner sounds worse....... but........... I have found a delivery note for a washing basket which isn't anywhere I can see and isn't something I ordered. I will struggle hugely to look grateful if that ends up under the tree for me.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 22/12/2020 10:55

You can talk to this guy till you are blue in the face, and I have over many pointless years, it makes fuck all difference.
So do something about it then. YOU have the power to get rid of this useless fuck that doesn't listen to you. Don't spend another Christmas or Birthday internally seething that you're married to a twat, do something to make next Christmas better!

WakingUp55643 · 22/12/2020 10:57

This is why I really dislike Christmas and birthdays. I don't want anything big or extravagant (not that I've ever had this!) I wouldn't care if I got a present which cost a fiver, as long as it was something that meant the giver really knows you. That's what presents are for. Dh asks me what I want, not in a way of "I'd love to get you something special that you really want" more of a "I've no idea what you would like" with a sigh.... Well why don't you know me after 15 years???!!

Musmerian · 22/12/2020 11:18

I think this is a symptom. My DH is terrible at presents and finds the whole thing really stressful. I now either buy my own or send him a list of suggestions. He’s great in so many other ways, shared mental load, does all shopping and most of the cooking so I can live with the present thing.

BigButtons · 22/12/2020 12:15

men- all men are perfectly capable of thinking of/ sourcing and buying a present that their partners would really appreciate.
I don't buy into the 'my dh is just rubbish at present buying' crap. It is just laziness.
My Oh does try his best but I realised when having a random conversation in a coffee place recently about chocolate and how I really don't care for the stuff, that he had bought me some chocolate as part of my present. He looked dismayed but I frankly felt cross inside. I have said it so many times. He has never seen me eat chocolate or cake. I have refused any offer of chocolate with a ' I don't like chocolate. He knows I like cheese. Why actively go out and buy me chocolate?
My adult DS also buys me a big chocolate bar as a present for my birthday. I don't eat the stuff. It's laziness.

Shoxfordian · 22/12/2020 12:19

Being terrible at presents is just laziness and disinterest. It really isn't difficult to pay the smallest bit of attention to your partner who you live with and find out what they might like. How hard is it to remember you don't like chocolate @BigButtons? Even if it does make you a weirdo Grin

Rainbowandscarlett · 22/12/2020 12:23

This reminds me of the year my ex spent £70 on his ex wife (he was with her on Christmas Day cos of the kids)
I’d bought him some lovely presents-I’d put so much thought into them-he arrived on Boxing Day clutching a bunch of half dead,petrol station flowers-with reduced sticker still on it (£1.69 worth of half dead,petrol smelling flowers)
He must have stopped off for petrol and panicked at showing empty handed
I’d rather he hadn’t bothered
It wasn’t the £70 she got spent on her,nor what I’d spent on him-it was the sheer lack of thought he’d put into mine
We broke up and he went round telling everyone it was because ‘I got her loads for Christmas-loads I tell you and it wasn’t enough!!greedy cow!’
It really is the thought that counts-my fella has got it wrong many times (I give him a list now) but he’s kind,thoughtful and pulls his weight so it doesn’t really matter-he’s put love into every present
(Although he will never repeat the year he bought me toothpicks and dental floss for my birthday-god knows what he was thinking then!)

BigButtons · 22/12/2020 13:02

@Shoxfordian

Being terrible at presents is just laziness and disinterest. It really isn't difficult to pay the smallest bit of attention to your partner who you live with and find out what they might like. How hard is it to remember you don't like chocolate *@BigButtons*? Even if it does make you a weirdo Grin
@Shoxfordian I know! Cheese though.....
Shoxfordian · 22/12/2020 13:05

Cheese is great too Grin

InkieNecro · 22/12/2020 13:12

The amount of threads I've read on here where the op says her husband buys her rubbish gifts, but then finds he's bought lovely thoughtful gifts for the other woman, makes me think they just don't see their wife as important enough to put the effort in. Like they've 'got' her and don't need to try anymore.

BethlehemIsInTier1 · 22/12/2020 13:35

What is it with posters complaining ? Divorce him or be grateful!

JamieLeeCurtains · 22/12/2020 14:10

@BethlehemIsInTier1

What is it with posters complaining ? Divorce him or be grateful!
Reading and comprehension skills really aren't among your strong point, I'll wager.
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