Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has got me a shit present

81 replies

bottledants · 21/12/2020 14:31

Just went to Amazon - used DH account as he has prime - to order a book for DS1. There is a book there DH has ordered which must be for me, and for Christmas. About ten years ago this was a subject I had some interest in but not for a decade. There is a subject I am very interested in at the moment that I regularly talk to DH and have no books on. Mind you, the reason I have no books on it is because I don't have time to read books. I would have more time to read books if DH shared an equal load of family chores. But when I mention this to DH he angrily argues that he does EVERYTHING and I do NOTHING.
So I made a list of all the things he does and all the things I do and asked to discuss it but he refuses to.

Or he could have got me a decent umbrella being as I have complained a lot about kids destroying my decent one and we live in a very rainy country.

In fact anything that shows he pays attention to who I am and what my life is would have done.

I don't want to read this fucking book, its just a reminder that this arsehole is utterly uninterested in me and can't be arsed to learn anything about me.

OP posts:
wildraisins · 21/12/2020 15:42

I can't believe how many people are starting threads on here complaining about presents they have been bought for Christmas!

Also, it sounds like you are actually complaining about underlying issues in your relationship.

ravenmum · 21/12/2020 15:44

@wildraisins

I can't believe how many people are starting threads on here complaining about presents they have been bought for Christmas!

Also, it sounds like you are actually complaining about underlying issues in your relationship.

That's why this is on the Relationships board. OP's made it clear that it's about her relationship.
ArrowsOfMistletoe · 21/12/2020 15:48

It isn't about the present, is it? It's about him taking zero interest in you as a person. It's about him claiming to do his share at home, but not doing it. That last is corrosive - I still recall how hard it was not to see red when my late husband said doing the weekly grocery shopping shouldn't count as something on the list of things that I did because it was 'an outing'. Because after a week of full time working, going to the supermarket was obviously such fun.

I agree that you should think about ending this marriage. Life as a single parent is really not that bad.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 21/12/2020 15:54

Fast track a detective badge to wildraisins.. If dh had bought me chocolate I actually liked I would have been appreciative. It was confirmation I was nothing more than a receptacle to provide him with dc..

LannieDuck · 21/12/2020 16:34

But when I mention this to DH he angrily argues that he does EVERYTHING and I do NOTHING.
So I made a list of all the things he does and all the things I do and asked to discuss it but he refuses to.

Not the point of your post, but I would offer to swap chore lists from now on. Since he does EVERYTHING and you do NOTHING, he should bite your hand off.

FippertyGibbett · 21/12/2020 16:37

My DH buys me shit presents for birthday and Christmas.
Last year the book he bought me went straight in the recycling box. I left it on top, so he would see it, to make a point.
And the other thing he bought me went in the loft same day too.

cheesecrackersandcorona · 21/12/2020 17:13

Yeah it's not really about the gift - just the lack of thought.

My current DH has made some average offerings but honestly he's a great guy and it's done with love. It is literally the thought that counts.

Original poster
bottledants · 21/12/2020 17:24

I still recall how hard it was not to see red when my late husband said doing the weekly grocery shopping shouldn't count as something on the list of things that I did because it was 'an outing

What a twat!

OP posts:
Original poster
bottledants · 21/12/2020 17:26

If dh had bought me chocolate I actually liked I would have been appreciative

My DH went on a holiday with his mates. I repeatedly asked him NOT to bring me chocolate as a gift. He bought back three extra large slabs of chocolate and a large bag of chocolates for me...

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 21/12/2020 17:40

It's just the lack of voice isn't it?

ImFree2doasiwant · 21/12/2020 17:44

@bottledants

I think I should too. I think having to do everything myself would be easier that the emotional burden of thinking I have someone else to help out who keeps letting me down.

This realisation was the final straw for me. Yes, it's hard (2 small DC) but unknown where I stand. As it is, my exH is doing less and less as time goes on. It is ALL on me, but I remind myself that it always was.

Nowaynothappening · 21/12/2020 17:51

Throw the book (divorce papers) at him.

Feelingchicken99 · 21/12/2020 18:40

My H buys shit gifts and just for fun this year and most years come to think of it borrowed money from me to buy it! I plan on returning what ever it is x

YoniAndGuy · 21/12/2020 18:55

Lie in wait for the Amazon parcel and return it.

And yes, rethink this. Don't waste your life. You only get one!

Dawninglory · 21/12/2020 18:56

It's the lack of thought that's annoying, surely they can all try harder. A friend sent me this today!

Craftycorvid · 21/12/2020 19:56

Presents say a lot about how people see - or don’t see - us. My DH has form for either frankly weird gifts (does this with others too) not bothering at all or deciding a specific thing would be ideal for me when it’s bizarrely unlike me or not useful. I get him things based on his tastes and interests. Hmm. We have fallen out about it a few times, particularly the birthday ‘treats’ that were all about what he wanted to do. Grin. These days I tend to assume a gift will, er, certainly be a surprise! The thing is, it’s not a deliberately thoughtless thing, it’s just that he’s operating from the basis of what he would like/do.

Original poster
bottledants · 21/12/2020 20:01

It's just the lack of voice isn't it?

Yes! I pretty much don't exist.

OP posts:
MamaDane · 21/12/2020 20:08

Yikes. I'm sorry it's so shit, OP.
If communication doesn't work, then perhaps therapy?
I suggest you come clean and say you've seen the book and cancelled the order, and also why you did it.
Obviously he will be angry but I definitely think you should talk about it before leaving him or doing anything drastic like that. You have kids together. I reckon it's worth fighting for.
If he refuses to communicate, then suggest therapy. Let him know you mean business. You don't feel seen or heard. Say that to him.

Swaning · 21/12/2020 20:17

I find it easier to give DP a list of exactly what would be nice, to the value of roughly what i plan to buy him and tell him not to deviate from the list UNLESS he completes the list and wants to buy something extra.

Yes, it takes the surprise out of things, but it saves anxiety on both sides of "not getting it right".

I learnt my lesson with an ex who bought me a kitchen knife from tkmaxx in exchange for some very expensive things he had asked for. Its just not worth the disappointment, stress, or fall outs.

Yes some men are fucking clueless clutz. Spell it out or be disappointed are the 2 options, and frankly i would rather open what i want on xmas morning and have a good atmosphere than all the anxiety and fall out. DP agrees and all my gifts are wrapped (by him) and under the tree per the list + 2 extras he very proudly thought of.

Have a chat with your DP and tell him its £xx budget youll be spending and heres your list next time. Works for birthdays too.

Peace43 · 21/12/2020 20:33

Our last Xmas together my ex-H didn’t buy me anything. I had to buy my own gift. It took me another 10 months and no valentine, birthday or anniversary present for me to finally dump his arse. He was also useless at home, a cocklodger and a pretty poor dad.

It is easier alone, I have more money now I’m not subsidising his arse, my daughter is happier in a house with no stress, ex-H is still shit but no longer my problem!

Sometimes divorce IS a good option!

katy1213 · 21/12/2020 20:40

While you're deciding whether to dump him, i'd rein back on some of that 'nothing' you do.
Still time to buy him a crap present.Or a nice ladies' umbrella.

Eng123 · 21/12/2020 20:44

Just be grateful he wants to give you a present. The world is full of complaining people!

spiritsoppressivelyhigh · 21/12/2020 21:25

@Eng123 hi The Husband

soopedup · 21/12/2020 21:36

The point is that all this shit makes you feel unseen and like a non person. So why should he gets to put his cock inside you every day or whenever when he literally can’t be arsed to click a few amazon buttons and order something relevant. If they can’t make a tiny bit of effort on special occasions then what is the point? What a shit life. Why. What makes it worth being with this person and lying in bed with them letting them gripe away. At this point you are basically a free prostitute because that’s the way they see you.
Dump his disrespectful arse and go find somebody who buys you a thoughtful gift a few times a year. It’s time women started dumping guys like this over and over again until they get the fucking picture

herecomestreble · 21/12/2020 21:45

@bottledants

Sounds like you should reconsider your relationship

I think I should too. I think having to do everything myself would be easier that the emotional burden of thinking I have someone else to help out who keeps letting me down.

It is. It's much easier.