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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I right to be concerned with dds behaviour?

33 replies

Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 08:11

Dd who has recently turned 2 has been seeing her dad since may of this year, initially when she first started seeing him she had a major regression in her speech which did not improve. Each time after contact took place she would return and be very agressive, biting me, herself, head banging, having disturbed sleep and night terrors and would just be extremely withdrawn for days after, worse case was 6 days. I was told back in September to just let her settle down as she is just adjusting but there has been no change. Ex was asked to write in a handover book her routine while with him, stuff like her mood, how much she drunk etc and it would seem she is refusing to drink while with him too.

Since November contact has been sporadic due to covid etc but since then dd speech has been coming on so well, she is happy and affectionate which is so wonderful to see it makes me so happy.

Would any of you say im right in being concerned about dds behaviour after seeing her dad? There is a lot of history and I just need some unbiased views based on what is going on at the moment.

OP posts:

Pashazade · 21/12/2020 08:16

This sounds like she is really distressed or something negative is happening when she is with her father. The fact she has levelled out again since not seeing him is very suggestive. Is it court ordered contact? Could you get supervised contact or reduce the amount of time she spends with him. I'd expect some "off" behaviour potentially if she is adjusting to someone she doesn't know well but the length of recovery (so to speak) seems rather prolonged.

Wanderlusto · 21/12/2020 08:17

Are you leaving them alone together?

Either: he is doing something to cause this behaviour OR she is reacting this way to being separated from you OR there is something else going on with her that coincided with events and she maybe needs to see a gp.

Could it also be that she picks up on your fear/stress ect...at seeing your ex?

Dery · 21/12/2020 08:17

Yes, I think you’re right to be concerned. It sounds like she is returning very distressed. It isn’t necessarily that her father is intentionally hurting her but she is probably too young to be away from you if she doesn’t really know her father. Who told you to just let it settle down as she is adjusting? It doesn’t sound like “just adjusting” to me.

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 08:30

They are being left alone together and it is court ordered contact. I don't think she is picking up on fear and I have taken her to the GP, there are concerns about autism but professionals keep disagreeing etc. For me it's the fact that since not seeing him her speech has just really improved. She would see him eow and the first week would be so unsettled and such a challenge and by week 2 she'd just be getting back to normal. I thought it could be the length of time between contact but even when it was weekly her behaviour was the same. Ex won't video call dd in between contact although she runs, hides and cries when we done this on her birthday. I'm just at a loss.

For context ex was abusive towards dd emotionally/verbally when she was younger, I don't know about now because I'm not there obviously. But I was told by the judge to leave all of that in the past but it is difficult to do when I'm seeing dds behaviour and she isn't able to tell me what's going on.

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 21/12/2020 08:38

How long does she have to stay with him each time?

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 08:41

Overnight currently, then ex and court have said to move it up to two nights.

OP posts:

thesunwillout · 21/12/2020 08:44

Yes you're right to be very concerned.
Given your update about him being abusive!!!
Any major change in behaviour like that is a child's way of dealing with something.
My child started wetting herself age 4, she didn't even know she was doing it.
It was a stress regression behaviour.

I'm not sure legally what your arrangements are but yes you are right to be concerned and to pick up on this early.

Dery · 21/12/2020 08:45

Have you updated the court on her behaviour? And why did the court say his treatment of her should stay in the past? His past behaviour should feed into childcare decisions. What opportunities have you got for getting the order amended? Sth sounds wrong.

RantyAnty · 21/12/2020 08:49

If she is just staying overnight, you can get a body cam or audio surveillance to put in her bag, a toy, or wear somehow.
Then you can find out exactly what is going on.

Has he abused her in the past?

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 09:01

I was going to request an urgent hearing in order to amend the current arrangements, problem is it being Christmas getting a hearing might be tough and she is meant to go to his Christmas day, but i think I will ask not to send her.

Yes, the judge said I should look forward and not back, ex has told cafcass he knows what he did was wrong and won't do it again in future. So I think at that the judge just let it go.

OP posts:

cansu · 21/12/2020 09:04

If she is on the autistic spectrum, it could be that the change of routine is causing the distress.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/12/2020 09:08

I don't think she should be going anywhere over Xmas op, not with that cough, it sounds a little persistent... And that temp. Bet it will take a few days to order a test... Result came through inconclusive you say? Well that's two weeks isolation whilst you urgently get legal advise on how to stop him seeing her

Even IF he not abusing her currently, at best she's still massively traumatised and shouldn't be abandoned with him

scotsllb · 21/12/2020 09:11

@SleepingStandingUp

Even IF he not abusing her currently, at best she's still massively traumatised and shouldn't be abandoned with him

What @SleepingStandingUp said. Buy yourself some time just now to seek some professional advice after Christmas

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 10:17

Yes you are right, buy myself some time. And @cansu I did wonder about the potential of it being autism but I've left her before with my sister and don't get the same reaction not even close and she sees her dad equally as much if not more.

OP posts:

Somersetlevel · 21/12/2020 10:24

Court ordered is hard -you breach the order it can backfire -big time.

Keep logging it with GP and SS and pushing for an assessment. Every single contact time-keep pushing.
Keep asking ex for routinue and him to log everything he does.

Unfortunately I had an ex (professional) who wouldn't 'remember' to feed his son, put him in size 1 nappies when he was size 4, or put him in nappies when he was 5, didn't give him prescribed medicine as "he wasn't that bad" etc and all sorts. The courts didn't take it seriously as it wasn't "real neglect" and he played the "I need more time with him to learn to parent properly" -all just a smoke screen.

My battle was made easier by a supportive GP -and she was amazing. Logged everything for 7 years. He still gets contact -but DS can at least vocalise things now and contact is minimal.

Somersetlevel · 21/12/2020 10:25

@RantyAnty

If she is just staying overnight, you can get a body cam or audio surveillance to put in her bag, a toy, or wear somehow. Then you can find out exactly what is going on.

Has he abused her in the past?

this is illegal and mother could lose custody over something like this -it's called invasion of privacy

Somersetlevel · 21/12/2020 10:27

@Concernedmama1

Yes, the judge said I should look forward and not back, ex has told cafcass he knows what he did was wrong and won't do it again in future. So I think at that the judge just let it go.

And I'd reply it's a safeguarding issue my child can't vocalise abuse. Abuse has already happened and been admitted by ex -so contact needs to be supervised until child has assessments for autism.

Somersetlevel · 21/12/2020 10:29

don't do anything that proves you to be a liar or fantasty. eg if your child HAS covid symptons or a cough- phone and log with GP and order a test etc or get antibiotics but do not say you have a positive or inconclusive result when you don't. Jesus wept at some of the advice.

If you are proved to lie in court -they won't believe anything you say.

CantBeAssed · 21/12/2020 10:49

I have been in your situation, go by your gut. My ds behaviour stood out after spending time with ex. Unsettled,whinging, noise sensitivity...contact was suspended (due to other concerns) and the difference in ds behaviour was noticable immediately..he was more content in general and the noise sensitivity disappeared...i dread to think what was going on when he was having contact...ex was a verbally abusive little prick so can only imagine that ds had witnessed his outbursts..your mum..your instinct will not be wrong..it is my understanding (but please check) that if you have concerns about your childs welfare you are within your rights to suspend contact..however, im not sure how this stands with a court order..good luck

SleepingStandingUp · 21/12/2020 11:17

@Somersetlevel

* don't do anything that proves you to be a liar or fantasty. eg if your child HAS covid symptons or a cough- phone and log with GP and order a test etc or get antibiotics but do not say you have a positive or inconclusive result when you don't. Jesus wept at some of the advice.

If you are proved to lie in court -they won't believe anything you say.

How will they prove she ordered a test by telling a lie? How will they prove that the questionable result was because she didn't do it properly? They're not exactly demanding a thermometer for a test. And this is one time I'd say lying to get a test is morally right

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 11:22

I definitely wouldn't record as I have seen some case law on this where the mum lose custody and also I don't know if id want to hear exactly what goes on.

I can definitely log with my GP, if the GP said this behaviour isn't right how likely would ss and court listen to them ?

@CantBeAssed I have the same issue when it comes to noise as well. What happen in the end with your ex seeing your ds?

OP posts:

Seatime · 21/12/2020 11:33

It sounds like he is abusing her. Never give an abuser the benefit of the doubt. Fight with everything you have to protect your girl. Go mama bear!

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 13:59

@Seatime, well this is exactly it. Ss were contacted a while ago and they offered early intervention help.. I accepted the help, obviously because if it can help dd I'll take everything they offer, ex on the other hand declined the help and then tried to get a pso against me to stop me from taking to any professionals about my concerns if in relation to him. The judge said she obviously wouldnt ever do that but shows you what I'm working with.

OP posts:

CantBeAssed · 21/12/2020 16:25

I suspended contact..went to a solicitor who then sent a letter to ex voicing my concerns. He didnt bother his ass to try for contact after that...my advice..if you feel something is amiss..contact your solicitor to advise you on the next move...use any information you have to back your concerns up...even something from your ex's past...remember that if your concerns are proved right and you continue to allow your child to have contact you will then be questioned for putting your child at risk..

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 21/12/2020 16:26

Anyone know is a health visitors input would be helpful?

OP posts:

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