relationships after 15 year sexless marriage

[namechangealerttt]

OK, so I am 43, 15 year marriage has just ended...sexless for 8 years, not great sex before that. I have 2 kids 11 and 8.

My self esteem has taken a nose dive having a husband that is not interested me, I have been mildly depressed for a few years because of this, with some periods of deeper depression when I have gone on medication and seeked counselling. I should have ended this sooner, but the fog of depression made it hard, I didn't know if me being depressed made the relationship bad or the bad relationship made me depressed...I finally figured the relationship was massively adding to the depression, and in the 3-4 weeks since officially splitting, I am already feeling so much better.

Ok, so up till Saturday night I firmly believed I would stay single for a long while to work on myself and heal. I was at a birthday party, an old friend from uni, so we have known each other over 2 decades! Anyway, friend of said friend, who I have also known for same length of time but never socialised independently with, there was MASSIVE sexual tension between us, like nothing I have not experienced in years. I had to walk away from him a few times during the evening because I didn't want to go there, and I did not say goodbye to him when I left the party. He is single.

I have repressed all sexual urges within myself for years. This sexual tension awakened it and I went home and masturbated 3 times in 24 hours (which I did not even do while I was married).

So what do I do? Be sensible, try and heal, work on my self esteem - I kind of think I need to do this, but now I am desperate for sex! I have never owned a vibrator as I just repressed everything to deal with my shitty marriage, do I just go buy one and settle for that for now? I don't think I want one night stands, FWB is appealing, but if I liked someone enough for a FWB situation, I might end up falling for them and that could be difficult.

How long should you really wait to start seeing new people after such a long marriage, does the marriage being dead for so long make any difference?

I should add I am not in the UK and minimal covid, so party was allowed!

You're 43, and life is short. I think it's possible to satisfy your needs and explore your new world while still being sensible. Don't go faster than you feel ready for, and if you do start to "mingle" with a nice gentleman, be honest with what you want and don't progress any further than you're ready for. After so many horrible years, you deserve to have fun and live your life any way you see fit. Definitely invest in a vibrator/rabbit, but I would say that to any woman.

Your libido has probably come crashing back because your depression is lifting - depression is a real libido killer. If your uni friend is single why not drop him a note to say how nice it was to see him again and does he want to meet up for a coffee or drink.

It’s a difficult one.
I totally get your need to have sex, equally, you’re just out of a relationship and that’s quite a tough gig to get through. I know I wouldn’t be able to just have a FWB, it would mess with my head.
I would have probably just had a one night stand and then get on with my life.

Go for it! You only live once. Post-marriage sex is amazing in my experience.
Just be honest about your intentions. You're probably not ready for a relationship but looking for some casual fun. He may or may not be up for that.
I hooked up with someone 5 months after my long marriage ended. We were both a mess emotionally at first but somehow we worked through it.
And maybe get some counselling as well to help you sort through your feelings. It's a lot to deal with.

Thanks everyone. I decided to get in contact with the guy. I didn't actually have his contact details because I always see him via this other friend. I found an old email from him about 8 years ago from his work email address. Google confirmed he still works there haha.
I sent a short email from my work email (my mobile no. is in the email signature, so saved me from directly offering that but he would have it none the less).

My email was very brief, sorry I didn't say good bye, great to catch up.
He replied a few hours later, saying no issues, agreed it was good to catch up, and basically said good luck sorting everything out, so I take that as a very polite rejection.

I am so pleased I reached out to him, I wasn't left wondering what if, I took control, I know I can get out there and do stuff. Really, it is probably the best thing we do not get involved with each other, in the cold light of day he probably doesn't want the mess of my life right now, and is respectful enough not to take advantage of me when, even though I don't think I came across as vulnerable on Saturday night, anyone with any common sense knows I should be. Kudos to him.

The one line email I sent is one tiny step in me moving on. And I am still happy with myself after this minor rejection, so that is a good sign too!

This is SO good! I wish you so much luck in moving forward and learning to identify your needs and have them met, by yourself and when the time is right, with someone who values you and your sexuality. I’m in a similar situation but haven’t yet left - so it’s great to hear your inspiring story. And also - having opened an Avenue of communication you never know what might happen at some later date.

How exciting. You’ve found your mojo! Go out and have some fun

Life is so so short. You go out there and have the best sex of your life. You deserve it- it’s no wonder you are experiencing a sexual awakening being in a sexless marriage for so long.
Embrace it now and have fun (still be careful though 😉).

The satisfyer pro 2 is excellent! On Amazon about £27,

Thanks for the tip @B1rdflyinghigh

I ended a long marriage that had been sexless for a long long time. I was preparing for a life of singledom and dating muppets when I felt ready, however I met someone very quickly and we had a connection that others could also see. We made plans to meet for a date/sex as he had been in a similar situation and we were then inseparable, and 2 years later we still are.

Post sexless marriage sex has been bloody awesome! I highly recommend it (and the toys that I had never owned before either - I prefer wands to vibrators).

OP, this is the start of your sexual renaissance; enjoy. To begin with, as someone who unashamedly, regardless of what else is going on in life, likes to start almost every morning with a little buzz, to wake up the senses and set me up for the day, l’m always amazed how many women have not invested in a vibey or 3! Rather than wait for an Amazon delivery, you can pick one up a little Durex Bullet in most branches of Boots for around £10. It is a nice “learner’s toy”! In normal times I travel a lot for work with overnight stays, and one goes everywhere with me. It just pops in my makeup bag. It’s small, it’s discreet and it purrs. Some vibeys sound like a cement mixer in the bedroom, which can throw you off your yellow brick road!

Secondly, you mention “polite rejection”, some men do this in order not to appear pushy, l would bat back, just the once, making intentions clear and see what reaction that gets. What’s to be lost?

Years back, someone once told me that l made a fantasy come true because l said that l wanted to have sex with him; we could have beaten about the bush for ever. Enjoy yourself. And when it’s time for knix off again, one more word from me “condom”. Another makeup bag essential, don’t depend on others.

OK, this is what I need a bunch of strong women around me supporting me and giving me tips. Thanks everyone!

My Christmas present to myself is a couple of vibrators and a lotto ticket. I ordered a satisfier pro 2 and a rabbit, before I came back and saw comments about a wand and the Durex buzz, I think I will have to buy a few more to find out what I like.

@StarlightLady I took you advice and shot back one more short email pointing out my phone number was on the bottom of the email if he gets bored over summer he can get in touch. I am Aus, and he works in higher education so has a long break from work now. He can sit and think on it for a while if he likes, not get back to me at all, or it could just be a seed could be sown for when I bump into him again at my friends birthday in Dec 2021, which is usually one of the few times I am likely to see him.

In the meantime I will enjoy the Christmas presents I have bought myself, which undoubtedly will bring me much more joy than anything my husband would have bought me had I stayed with him

Love this post. I’m in a similar situation, together for 20 years and married for 12 in a relationship with barely any sex for the past 10 years.
Since we split up - and now heading for divorce - I’ve lost over 2 stone and I’m fitting back into clothes I haven’t worn for years, I’m enjoying putting an effort into my appearance and feeling so much more confident and not looking for a new relationship but am rediscovering some long lost sexual desires.
Good for you getting out there and making contact, at least you know where you stand rather than wondering ‘what if?’
I’ve an ex from years ago messaging me who is a widower and the messages are flirty and I love it. Rediscovering feelings I haven’t had for years, Father Christmas will be bringing me some toys this year. Thanks for the tips people x

Really nice to read @namechangealerttt. Hope he gets in touch with you

OP, l’m pleased you went back to him. it’s so important to make those moves and rekindle that lovely fire. It’s mentally healthy too. Over recent years, I’ve been called a “skirt wearing feminist” (whatever one of those is) and someone on MN said they had names for girls like me when they were at school (fun perhaps?), but you can create a wonderful life with hormones bubbling in a good way.

@namechangealerttt your op really spoke to me and has explained why I have these same feelings, having just come out of a similar situation and a 25 year marriage. I’m not dating yet, but hope to start to next year, and I feel excited like a teenager again!

OP, I just think you're really impressive. Reading your post has connected me with feelings of agency, renewal, and owning your power, and I think we could all do with a bit of that at the moment - thank you.

Go you!

Very pleased for you, OP. Thanks for the update and feeling happy for you. It's just the beginning now!
@Starlight I always enjoy your female friendly, sex positive posts. Just keep on being you and I hope you don't take naysayers' comments personally.

As someone who is just out of a long boring marriage with a boring sex life the first time you kiss and have sex with someone new, it's amazing!
Wish I could have that feeling every-time, but I'm sure it will fade and then we'll both be onto the next.

I might have actually shed a tiny tear at some of the nice things people said above. Thank you everyone

I know mumsnetters love an update so....here it is! I got a reply to my email from, let me start calling him, Jack (not his real name). He made a jokey reply which was nice, I am enjoying laughing at the moment. He told me his phone number hadn't changed, but I don't know if or when I ever called Jack in the last 20 years, and I don't have his number now. I couldn't let him think I had his number, so I had to reply and tell him, and I told him he could give me a missed call then I could save his number in my phone

I sent that late at night, just because I had been busy all evening, and I got a 2 word text this morning "Jack's number". There was a bit of banter exchanged which was a fun distraction from pretending to work from home on the last working day before Christmas.

The reality is I am super busy. Setting up a new flat has been hard work, I am working full time, and have 2 kids. Christmas will be down time I really need and the kids will be coming first.

The last few weeks have been transformative. It was horrible telling everyone I had split with my husband, I could only tell so many people per day because even if I held it together in front of the person (or virtually in front of them over the phone etc) I would have a good cry afterwards. One amazing thing that came from that was so many people said such wonderful things to me...I was told I am funny, people want to be around me, I am an inspiration, I am courageous...things I haven't felt myself being married to a man for so long, who although I believe loved me, was not in love with me, wouldn't touch me and would frequently seem irritated by me. I felt like a husk of a woman, but a slightly overweight husk if there could be such a thing, and all round generally a bit of a hopeless loser!

I feel ready and want to be that person other people see me as.

Small things have made my confidence grow. There are so many 'jobs' that get divided in a marriage. I had never put air in the car tyres, yesterday I needed to put air in the car tyres. I took a deep breath, googled it, it said the required tyre pressure was usually on the inside of the car door, and you know what, I put air in the tyres!

I hadn't set up a home internet connection since the days of dial up, I thought it was a great mystery. Turned out it was just plugging a data cable into the wall from the modem and a power cable. It was practically the same as when internet was dial up!

I have lifted heavy furniture that I would have left to my husband to move - I am covered in bruises, but feel a super strength has come out.

All of the that is in addition to pleasuring myself everyday since Sunday! I can't believe there are people out there that do this all the time and I have been missing out.

A female friend at the party on Saturday said to me "if there are jobs you can't or don't want to do, that is what Airtasker is for!"

My new flat has come together so well. I moved out of a big 5 bed 3 bathroom house, which was lovely, but I chose to move out because I couldn't bear the weight of a so much 'stuff' dragging me down, and the cleaning and gardening on my own after working full time. My ex is quite consumerist, as is the family he comes from, so it's one area we clashed - he can have the big house full of stuff (I will get my equity out when the time suits us both, I don't want the kids to have to move from there now because they love playing with the neighbours).

I wouldn't let my ex see the flat before I had made it into a home, I didn't want pity for 'moving to a small flat'. He saw it for the first time tonight, I think he was actually blown away, a tiny bit jealous, and it was pretty clear I don't need him. I pulled together all these pieces that he would never have vetoed and it feels like a true reflection of me, and a home. Tonight when my 8 year old went to bed, he told me it is perfect.

The text messages with Jack are a novelty, and lots of fun, even if it goes nowhere it is helping me get 'me' back. I genuinely would not have sent the second email without the prompt from @StarlightLady, so thank you

Yay! That evil woman who was called names for being a sex positive female was right! .

You know what to do next!

Lovely update OP. Best wishes.