Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex keeps contacting me

35 replies

RedVixen · 21/12/2020 00:18

I need a little help understanding my ex's motives for contacting me.
I found out at the beginning of November that he'd been cheating on me for 4 months, obviously we broke things off. There was the follow up questions over text to figure out what he was playing at. He's still seeing the girl he cheated on me with, but claims she's just a distraction because he doesn't know what he wants.
When we've argued he says that we'll never get back together, and he's "just being free". But then in the same conversation he's saying how he gets so upset when he sees a photo of us together, and how he's ruined inside. And his reason for not getting back together is because our relationship won't be the same, which I accept.
What i can't understand is why he contacts me pretty much every day trying to have normal conversations with me. At first I saw it as a sign that he regretted the cheating and was trying to make amends, but he's still seeing the other woman so that can't be the reason. I've had countless arguments with him to say that I can't talk to him like everything is normal when he's still sleeping with her and being so indifferent to my feelings. He just says it's none of my business what he does anymore, he still talks to me because he likes talking to me and he'll stop contacting me if that's what I want. I ignored his messages for a while but he still was contacting me every day, even when I made it obvious that I was reading the messages and choosing not to reply.

So really my question is, why does he still want to talk to me when he's seeing the new girl and has no intentions of wanting a relationship with me? Even when I've made my feelings about it known?

OP posts:
Original poster
RedVixen · 21/12/2020 00:27

Also, another weird thing he has done in the last couple of days is post a photo of his birthday presents online, and included a gift I had made for him in June amongst them. I had not made the gift for his birthday and we haven't been together for nearly 2 months now, so why include it in the photo?
And today he asked if it would be okay to drop off some treats for my dog (as a Christmas present) at my work. When I questioned why he said "it's about giving, there's no ulterior motive". I don't understand why he'd think that was a normal thing to do, give your ex gf's dog a present when you want to be "free" from them?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/12/2020 00:28

Forget his motives and block him. There's no need to entertain his small talk when he has treated you with such disrespect.

FabbyMagic · 21/12/2020 00:31

He wants to have his cake and eat it too.. I would block and move on, as hard as it is

OldAndWornOut · 21/12/2020 00:31

He's keeping his foot in the door, so to speak.

There may be a chance you'll let him back in your bed, so he thinks.

CausingChaos2 · 21/12/2020 00:33

As if cheating on you wasn’t bad enough, he now wants to mess you around even more. Block.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 21/12/2020 00:35

He's keeping you on the back burner as an ego boost . Block him now

Tavannach · 21/12/2020 00:37

He's just massaging his own ego by keeping you hanging on.
Block him and get on with the rest of your life.

Original poster
RedVixen · 21/12/2020 00:37

I thought it was to keep his foot in the door too, but when we talk about it he says we're never getting back together, that he's not got ulterior motives for talking to me and he's not keeping me as a back up. I'm inclined to believe him because he's made no effort to try to see me in person or make up for what he did by cheating, and he's making it obvious he's still seeing the other girl. So I don't know what he actually wants?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2020 00:38

I think the real question is why you haven't blocked this cheating arsehole. Do you like the attention? Because I can't think on any other reason why you'd want to hear from him.

OldAndWornOut · 21/12/2020 00:38

What he says needs to match up with what he does, though.

wobblywinelover · 21/12/2020 00:39

He's messing with your head OP. All these questions you've got are perfectly valid questions in response to total headfuck behaviour. He wants to keep you on his back burner probably for an ego boost or a chance to get back with you. He's clearly a cheat and a liar. He probably put your gift in the photo as some sort of triangulation head game for his current gf to see, so she would feel insecure about it. Some of these guys get their kicks out of playing head games and keeping women dangling. Don't be one of them. I seriously think it's time to cut ties with him. He's just using you for entertainment. The sooner you block him, the sooner you can get on with a more peaceful life and even the possibility of meeting someone else so much better than him. He sounds a right knobhead

katy1213 · 21/12/2020 00:41

It's coming up to Christmas - he's not 100% sure of her - and he wants to make sure he gets a shag and a turkey dinner.
Block him - don't read his messages - if he's that arsed about the dog, he can drop doggy chocs through the letter box.
Then pour yourself a big glass of something nice and wish yourself a happy 2021 without him in it.

katy1213 · 21/12/2020 00:43

PS It doesn't matter what he actually wants - because whatever it is, he won't be getting it from you!

Xmasdinnervwpolo · 21/12/2020 00:46

Do you have kids together or any other reason requiring contact (returning belongings etc)?

If not just block him and have done with it.

Sunbird24 · 21/12/2020 01:10

Notice it’s all about what HE wants @RedVixen! He wants to still message you on a daily basis despite cheating on you, he wants to give your dog a Christmas present... Has he ever asked you what you want?

BlueThistles · 21/12/2020 01:32

Stop being an 'option' for him.. he's just keeping you dangling and your dancing to his tune..

just block the fucker.. 🌺

TheCattleGrid · 21/12/2020 01:48

Because you let him. The question is: why are you?

Wiredforsound · 21/12/2020 06:07

Just block him. He’s a cheating scumbag who’s still with the OW. Life is way to short to spend even one more second thinking about this.

Sally2791 · 21/12/2020 06:11

Forget what he wants, and whatever he may or may not be thinking. Block and delete. It’s very possible to waste your life away wondering about men.

Whydidimarryhim · 21/12/2020 06:13

He maybe trying to stop you moving on and meeting someone else - he’s a cheat and a liar - why would you want to be his friend.

sofiaaaaaa · 21/12/2020 06:16

Stop letting him mess with your head. You evidently know this is weird, it’s time to completely cut contact and block him. Tell him it’s done and you don’t want to hear from him again. Delete him from socials

KatherineJaneway · 21/12/2020 06:19

Who cares what he wants! You're just wasting vital energy on him. Block his number and start a new chapter without him plying with you like a toy he is not sure he wants.

165EatonPlace · 21/12/2020 06:28

He doesnt want a relationship with you but he does want to be able to have sex with you when it suits him.
He will keep contacting you as long as you let him.
Get rid

sofiaaaaaa · 21/12/2020 06:35

Basically you’re a backup dancer

She’s the fun, exciting main event. You’re just old faithful who will come running at his beck and call if he gets his way.

Nicolastuffedone · 21/12/2020 07:05

Why are you entertaining this? You know you don’t need to don’t you?

Swipe left for the next trending thread