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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not “allowed” to talk to my brother...

59 replies

Rosemary26 · 20/12/2020 22:18

I have a foster brother who has been in my life since I was born. To me, he IS my brother, we might as well be blood relatives. He has a lot of struggles in his life, as do I (although different struggles), stemming from neglect we faced as children. He has some criminal history having to do with drug possession charges. In spite of what he’s faced, I love him and I believe in him. He’s always tried to be there for me.

My husband cannot stand my having anything to do with my brother. He’s never met him, never spoken to him. If he so much as sees us messaging each other he either gets in a foul mood and grows quiet or goes into a rage. It isn’t uncommon for my brother to write me saying, “I love you, sis,” and of course I respond to tell him that I love him. My husband has screamed about how he sees that as inappropriate. He even accused me of sleeping with him before. This makes me sick. I’ve tried to explain how I feel to him, but he’s threatened that if I’m going to continue talking to my brother then he’s going to get in touch with one of his ex girlfriends. This drives me crazy. I don’t understand how he’s gotten this idea, that it makes any sense?

Is this controlling/abusive behavior? He doesn’t seem to be okay with me talking to anyone I know anymore. It hurts to feel as if I can’t pick up the phone when my brother calls. He’s tried to spin this in many ways, claiming he’s trying to protect me.

OP posts:
Quads4x4 · 20/12/2020 23:33

Its not weird to say i love you to your brother. Its not weird to love someone with a criminal record for drugs. Its not weird to stay in touch with a foster sibling.
Your partner is a controlling pervert..get rid.

BlueThistles · 20/12/2020 23:49

this is very bad ... he's sick in the head to think you'd sleep with your brother.. Get rid of your Partner.. Flowers

PickAChew · 20/12/2020 23:53

Your husband is an absolute tosser.

ktp100 · 21/12/2020 00:07

Oh wow!

OP, this is absolutely abusive behaviour. He is trying to isolate you from your friends and family so he can have absolute control with no outside input.

If you can, spend some time researching classic abuse behaviours. I think you'll find a lot of his traits listed.

Sorry you're going through this, OP.x.

SandyY2K · 21/12/2020 00:18

I echo what everyone else has said...your husband is controlling and unreasonable. I'd be telling him he's welcome to get in touch with as many ex girlfriend as he wants, as I'm filing for divorce.

This is not a man who loves you...he's sick in the head and sounds like a very unpleasant man to put it mildly.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/12/2020 10:37

He even accused me of sleeping with him before

Delusional jealousy never ends well OP, has he ever been physically intimidating before?

Fedup21 · 21/12/2020 10:41

I am presuming this foster brother is someone that has lived with you since birth-who your parents have raised day in and day out for years , just like you? What do your family say about the fact your husband has never even met him?

This sounds really strange-how can your husband have never met your brother?

Original poster
Rosemary26 · 21/12/2020 13:11

Thank you to everyone who commented. I have long felt that this isn’t right. It’s helpful to hear it from other people who are able to look at the situation objectively. Over time in this relationship I have begun to doubt everything, including my own gut instincts and intuition.

@Honeyroar
My brother and I are from America. We both moved states when we reached adulthood, but have kept in good contact and never really grown apart. My relationship with my husband started as a long-distance one, we’d visit each other back and forth, until I decided to come to the U.K. with him and start settling down. Now I see that this dynamic has allowed me to be isolated, he never tried to meet my people, and I have been too accommodating, accepting the bare minimum, assuming that one day this would all come together. I’ve been a fool.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 21/12/2020 13:16

Yes he is controlling. I suspect he is jealous of the relationship you have with your Dbro it sounds like he is jealous of any relationship you have outside of him.
That IME is a huge red flag.
If he was concerned for you, he'd support your choices to be in contact with Dbro and pick up the pieces if he let you down.
The fact he hasn't met him speaks volumes every lost soul has a reason for it.

Original poster
Rosemary26 · 21/12/2020 13:29

@Closetbeanmuncher
He has been physically intimidating before. He used to drink and that would turn him quite violent and combative. He’d never really accept responsibility for it, either. It was always somehow something I’d done to set him off.

@Fedup21
My foster brother was raised with me. He’d spend some of his time with his aunt, but he was always a constant and a member of the family. Unfortunately our mother was abusive, so he and I both have separated ourselves largely from her and any other family members who haven’t been able to accept that. Honestly, I consider him to be more my family than my own mother.

My husband and I started our relationship as a long-distance one, him being from the U.K. and me from America. We’d visit each other back and forth. My brother and I lived in different states by then, and I’d try to arrange for them to talk to each other, and it never worked... I assumed my husband might just feel nervous about meeting my people, so I’d give him more time. I eventually came to the U.K. to be with him, and now I realize that in his mind... I’m supposed to cut my ties to people he doesn’t “approve” of for whatever reason. Although I’m supposed to instantly accept all of his family and friends. I just cannot do that. I’ve refused to stop speaking to my brother and friends. Now it feels like I do it in secret, like it’s something to be ashamed of.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 21/12/2020 13:34

its abusive. Textbook controlling behaviour, which is actually illegal. he cannot stop you speaking to anyone you like, and to accuse you of some sort of incestuous relationship with your brother is truly vile . This is without the fact hes also been violent and intimidating. You need to get away

category12 · 21/12/2020 13:37

Honestly the husband is the mistake here.

FourDecades · 21/12/2020 13:58

Seriously ....get away from this man. If you don't have any ties to the UK, then go home.

Get as far away as possible

HyacynthBucket · 21/12/2020 14:01

OP whtever you do, don't have children with this man before you get away from him. Which you need to do to save yourself and your good relationships like the one with your brother. He sounds great, by the way. Far too precious to lose to some manipulative control freak.

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2020 14:02

He's definitely abusive
Can you fly home soon? Call women's aid for help

Jackabobbo · 21/12/2020 14:06

He's accused you of sleeping with your brother! That's not right! It doesn't matter that you're not blood relatives. That's not a normal thing for your husband to suggest, especially given he's never met him. He sounds very controlling to me.

Jackabobbo · 21/12/2020 14:09

My daughter's father is the same about me speaking to several members of my family btw. Not accusing me of sleeping with them but he didn't want me to contact them and got very angry/moody if I did. There are valid reasons for me not to speak to these people, they have issues and are 'toxic', but it should be my decision to make. It's the same for you. It's not your husband's place to say who you cannot speak to - I know it's sometimes hard to see when you're in that situation, especially if you've been ground down with subtle control that you may not even be fully aware of.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 21/12/2020 15:52

He is an abusive and controlling arse. Run away if you can. If you stay it will get worse and you will lose all belief in yourself.

Original poster
Rosemary26 · 21/12/2020 15:57

@Jackabobbo
I’m sorry that you’ve experienced something like this. You’re absolutely right. This isn’t acceptable. I feel so controlled, and I feel insulted. It’s like I don’t recognize myself anymore.

@Shoxfordian
I’m supposed to have some funds coming to me soon, maybe in January. Then I can get myself out of this mess.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/12/2020 16:08

Are you physically safe in your home? You can still leave, even now, whatever tier, to escape violence

2BDIs · 21/12/2020 16:09

Been there, done that. Your husband is an abusive controlling dick and you need to either set his straight that he doesn't control you are leave as you will have years of misery and isolation ahead of you if you stay

soopedup · 21/12/2020 16:30

You know this isn’t right. You need to get out of this relationship.

MRC20 · 21/12/2020 16:33

What HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee said. This is abusive and you need some help to leave, this will only get worse. Good luck xx

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 21/12/2020 16:47

He is massively insecure and sees him as a threat .. simple .

nicky7654 · 21/12/2020 16:55

Run OP and don't look back!!!