Emotional abuse - why is it so hard to spot?

[Fantasisa]

With the help of a lot of counselling I've come to the conclusion that STBXH has been emotionally abusive for years.

I consider myself a strong intelligent woman so what I'm struggling with is how didn't I spot it as abuse sooner? Why can't he see what he is doing is wrong? And why does it hurt so much? And the worst question: why do I still love him and focus on the lovely times?

Bump for anyone more knowledgeable than me on this!

It’s the frog in boiling water thing - you put with it for so long, and it ramps up slowly over time so you normalise it. Glad you have finally seen the light op (took me years too - they are very clever about it).

I think a lot of it is that you may overlook or so badly want to see the good in someone, you are literally blinded by their real treatment of you.
Another reason may be seeing a person's potential, thinking you can change/influence or fix people?
Also being a people pleaser. This will draw abusive people to you that may want to use/ abuse take advantage of a kind nature.
Its shit though, but also a massive lesson.
Look at other relationships too, work/ family etc. Do you say no? Put yourself first when needed? Set healthy boundaries?
Its natural to see the good in someone after its over, its part of greiving. But is it possible you are just scared, maybe a bit lonely and not wanting to be alone?
Be more even, remind yourself of the bad aspects of the relationship rather than living in the past.
Its really important to put focus on yourself so as not to attract another abuser. We are conditioned to be nice and forgiving, but sometimes it really is best to greive and let go. All the energy you put into the failures of the relationship put into yourself/goals and having a fab year ahead.
It sucks though but it is a process you will get through. Looking back you will see the whole relationship in a more realistic light

I think often we project ourselves onto others.

If you are a normal, loving individual then you just assume that the partner that you love, is the same and feels the same. And is capable of the same.

It's not natural to think that the person who you've chosen to spend so much time with and grown to care for...actually, is horrible and doesn't care for anyone but themselves. Especially as they will have hidden this in the beginning.

Who would ever believe that someone that is supposed to love them, actually, views them with contempt and means them harm?

So when the signs of that appear, we often think we have just misunderstood. And as we slowly realise that no, actually, this person is a vile individual, we often still fall into denial for a bit.

Its so insidious. And I think that sometimes you get caught up in the idea of someone rather than the reality, so you over emphasise the nice things that they do, and gloss over the bad things, because you try and be positive about it. It can be so hard as well because if someone does thing horrible to you in a relationship, you can be trying to balance that one instance against the relationship in it's entirety, so you minimise in your head. Like, he said this terrible thing to me on one occasion, but we've been together for x number of years, so it would be silly to leave the relationship for one incident.

And I also think there's a stigma to it. I was in a terrible relationship with someone my friends hated, so I almost felt for a while like I had to justify my choice, instead of just admitting that we weren't right for each other and weren't suited - we made each other miserable and were tied together with a mortgage etc. By the time I broke down and admitted to my friends how miserable I was, I knew I had to leave regardless of how awful it was going to be. And there were tough times, but I have never had a flicker of doubt about whether or not leaving was the best thing to do, which says it all really!

I agree that it sort of builds up so you don't realise it.

I also think that women are particularly vulnerable because a lot of this sort of abuse seems to start with assumptions that are based in "traditional" values. So you think they're a bit OTT or whatever, but not weird? So the woman whose partner doesn't like her being out at night because he worries about her safety coming home in the dark/late. Or the woman who 10 years down the line finding herself walking on eggshells to make sure dinner is prepared/ house is clean etc but it started with the perfectly "reasonable" request that was also based on "tradition" eg of her cooking every night because he is at work or whatever.

So it sort of sneaks up.

Also, another version of the above, is that when the woman does start to push back, she is portrayed as mean and unreasonable and unkind because actually it is the man's own insecurities/fears/mental health etc causing the problem and if she does't accommodate him she's making it worse for him. And again, we've all been taught to try to make life more comfortable for other people, especially men, so we go along with it.... [this is particularly true I've seen in the situation where the emotionally abusive man is in process of separating a woman from her friends/family. Lots of comments like, "but it makes me sad when you see your family and I can't see mine" or "It's not that I don't want you to see people but how do you think it makes me feel knowing I'm at work and you're having a jolly with your friends/family?" or "I can't sleep if you're out at night because I'm just worrying the WHOLE time."]

I think these are brilliant replies, it’s a strange feeling when the penny drops (often with the help of counselling) and all of a sudden you wonder why you either a) didn’t know it was happening or b) (more likely) did know it was happening but for the reasons given by Minty, you pushed your gut feelings away.

You’ll get through this, time is a good healer, as is talking. I think this time of year doesn’t help when you’re grieving a relationship. Be kind and loving to yourself, with gentle thoughts. You now know what you didn’t then and while that feels painful, I think that’s a massive step forward and to be congratulated.

As purplecat says it's subtle. It starts off by the perp being 'a bit difficult' and excuses are used like 'other people don't know him like I know him' or 'it's his way' etc etc. Both of which I've heard about bullies that I've known.

Bullies are very good at spotting potential victims. People with little self-confidence are easy to crush - they rarely pick on someone their own size. I've also heard the opposite - that some men like to 'bring a strong woman down' which is chilling.

They also pick people who are too nice to retaliate - after all, no decent person wants to see a grown man cry and they know that. Hurt people hurt people after all. Get away and keep safe OP.

It can be learned behaviour, if parents had this dynamic. We are drawn to what is familiar.

They can be very nice when they are not being abusive. We tend to think abusive arseholes are always arseholes, but they aren't. They can be really good to be with. So you don't spot that you with a man who is abusive. .

Girls are raised to be nice and take care of other's feelings. So we make excuses for their arsey behaviour.

As others say, it becomes your normal.

Because you tell yourself:

He's just stressed
He's had a bad day
He doesn't mean it
Maybe I am over-reacting
Maybe I am over sensitive
I just need to find the right words

And when you try and confide in others, they say the same things back to you because non-abusive relationships are based on generosity and sound so similar.

Any display of affection or understanding is jumped on because it's proof that all the things you tell yourself are true. He does love you, he never meant it etc etc.

Get a hold of the book "Why does he do that" it explains it all plus what to watch out for.
You can google for a free pdf copy

I did t realise for years. I didn't even know what I was feeling and how I was being treated had a name, I just thought I was weak. It took me 11 years to figure it out.

What made you see it @desperatelyseeking? What happened next and how do you feel now?

Excellent article about this by Dr Jessica Taylor. Her book is also worth reading.

www.google.com/amp/s/victimfocusblog.com/2020/06/30/dr-jessica-taylor-explains-the-real-reasons-why-you-cant-spot-grooming-behaviour/amp/

I look at how things were with my ex. In the first two years we were very very happy, in the last two years I was severely unhappy, and certainly abused.

The middle is where it gradually built up, and I honestly didn't notice it happening.

Then, you make excuses for why they behave the way they do - they're stressed etc, it'll calm down - but it never does.

I'm sorry you went through this, but lots and lots of people are the same in that they don't spot the signs of the change happening until things have got really bad.

The problem comes when you realise how unhappy/bogged down you are and how to get out of it at that point is incredibly difficult

This is a complicated question, but I think it boils down to the fact that we are often conditioned and groomed to see emotional abuse as love.

Grooming is a normal human behaviour that we all do - it's the intent to harm that makes it dangerous, and that's why it's so hard to recognise.

Dr Jessica Taylor wrote about it here www.google.com/amp/s/victimfocusblog.com/2020/06/30/dr-jessica-taylor-explains-the-real-reasons-why-you-cant-spot-grooming-behaviour/amp/

Love and abuse are intertwined, making it very difficult and painful to walk away from.

Oh @Palavah got there first

Sometimes I think this has crept up on me too. I can never have a discussion with him as I feel like he always has the answers and I don't, and then I feel like I must be in the wrong. One example, last night during the covid briefing, Pippa Crear asked Boris Johnson why he kept overpromising and underdelivering, which he absolutely has done all along, and I said "good question." Dh pipes up with, 'that's not a question, it's a statement.' I looked at him as if to say, well, it is a question. And he went off on a rant about her and how she shouldn't be allowed to say stuff like that, she has an agenda, and ended with a petulant 'so there you go.' and turned back to his computer. I got up and went out to the shop just to get away, and he looks at me as if I've caused this and am now in a huff for no reason. I could give loads more examples where I'm made out to be the bad guy because of my reactions to his words or actions. And then minutes later he'll be all 'how's your day been?' or 'are we still going out on Boxing Day?' full of the joys of spring. Is this EA, or is it just me????????

As Attila so often and quite rightly says,
Look to your upbringing! When growing up, the examples of relationships we see are a) parents, stepparents b) grandparents c) aunties and uncles
That's.pretty.much.it
(The relationships in tv dramas are BY NECESSITY unrealistically dramatic!).

If you grow up in a family where Dad conspires with the kids to make sure Mum has a really super Mothers' Day because they all love to see her smile, all well and good, but a lot of us grow up in atmospheres of bickering, casual contempt, laziness, irritability, blame and know no better. And then if your parents ACT LIKE THIS IS NORMAL AND OK...

Its not just that they use your weaknesses and insecurities against you - they use your strengths against you too. If you are willing to see the other persons point of view, if you are capable of introspection, if you are generous, if you work hard, if you earn your own money and are independant, if you are patient etc etc - none of these are bad things, they can all be used by someone manipulative against you.
I heard an interesting thing from a relationship "expert" on I think women's hour. They were saying that for a relationship to work both parties have to be able to see the best in their partner, and work from a starting assumption that their partners intentions are good. He was talking about healthy relationships, and this is probably very true for those. However, in an emotionally abusive relationship the willingness to assume your partners intentions are good (a perfectly natural assumprion for a well balanced person to make just leads to you getting more and more trapped. It is not you that is the unhealthy one though - it is him!

@yetanothernamitynamechange

Its not just that they use your weaknesses and insecurities against you - they use your strengths against you too. If you are willing to see the other persons point of view, if you are capable of introspection, if you are generous, if you work hard, if you earn your own money and are independant, if you are patient etc etc - none of these are bad things, they can all be used by someone manipulative against you. I heard an interesting thing from a relationship "expert" on I think women's hour. They were saying that for a relationship to work both parties have to be able to see the best in their partner, and work from a starting assumption that their partners intentions are good. He was talking about healthy relationships, and this is probably very true for those. However, in an emotionally abusive relationship the willingness to assume your partners intentions are good (a perfectly natural assumprion for a well balanced person to make just leads to you getting more and more trapped. It is not you that is the unhealthy one though - it is him!

This is such a good point!

Yes @yetanothernamitynamechange! And it feels like what he said attracted him to me is now what he wants to squash. I also feel there is a grain of truth in what he says but it has been so blown up and distorted but the grain of truth makes it hard to defend myself.

@Fantasisa

Yes *@yetanothernamitynamechange*! And it feels like what he said attracted him to me is now what he wants to squash. I also feel there is a grain of truth in what he says but it has been so blown up and distorted but the grain of truth makes it hard to defend myself.

Thats very very common, and I dont know why it is but I think people like that are damaged inside and want to damage others. Honestly, (and this is advice I wish I had followed myself) dont waste your time trying to defend yourself to him, or trying to make you see how much he hurt you, or waiting for an apology. You are not perfect, no-one is. He knows that he hurt you already, thats why he did what he did. I think we are encouraged to think we can get closure if the other person admits they were wrong, but the best way to get closure on those people is to leave them wallowing in their own deep seated failings while you live life as far away from them as possible.