Emotional abuse - why is it so hard to spot?

[Fantasisa]

With the help of a lot of counselling I've come to the conclusion that STBXH has been emotionally abusive for years.

I consider myself a strong intelligent woman so what I'm struggling with is how didn't I spot it as abuse sooner? Why can't he see what he is doing is wrong? And why does it hurt so much? And the worst question: why do I still love him and focus on the lovely times?

Also - don't be tempted to appeal to a person's better nature or empathy when they've already shown they have neither.

@MeMarmiteYouJam agree. Also a nice, normal person will see you doing something nice for them, or forgiving them for a minor transgression and think "X is a nice person, I am lucky to have her" (that is probably what you would think if someone was kind to you). Not so nice people will think "X did a nice thing to me, that just shows how fantastic I am and how far beneath me she is/ X didnt mind when I was shitty to her, that shows how stupid she is". A nice normal person will hear you telling them they hurt you and try to make amends. A shitty person will think "X just revealed their vulnerabilty, how naive of them".

@Wanderlusto is right. It took me a 20 year marriage for it to finally sink in that I was married to a man who acted like he hated me because he did hate me. I still haven't fully gotten my head around it. I grew up in a dysfunctional family with an unpredictable and emotionally volatile mother - my stbxh must have seen me coming a mile away. The moment I realised I had pretty much married my mother was horrifying. I have gotten out and, a year later, have just begun to really process the whole thing.