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Original poster

Maybe if you were a bit nicer, I would have married you.

36 replies

Meile · 20/12/2020 19:49

DP just said this.
He's right, I could have been much nicer to him. I think I lost respect for him very slowly over the years, letting his mother wreak havoc over our lives after DC was born and not standing up to her until my mental health was in tatters, belittling my feelings, emotional neglect, squirreling away money, treating me like a live-in maid.
I've probably been horrible to him a lot of the time and what he's said is tearing me apart inside. I speak to him in a snappy, nasty way regarding chores, pull him up a lot on silly habits, I'm easily irritated by him and it definitely shows.
But...
I've put DCs first, always prioritised family time over my own needs, gone above and beyond when they've been sick and had health problems. I help people, give to charity, care about the people I love.
I'm devastated that he thinks I should be a nicer person. But in many ways, he is right, I'm not nice to him.

If he thought this however, why would he have had another child with me?

Why isn't he initiating a separation?
Why is asking me to go away with him in a hotel over Christmas?

I'm the one initiating separation and telling him we need to put the house on the market, he's the one dragging his heels.

But I'm still not "nice" enough to marry.

OP posts:
Nymeriastark1 · 20/12/2020 19:53

I would respond with, ditto, if you were nicer to me I wouldn't be leaving you. And then I'd leave.

Lampan · 20/12/2020 19:55

He doesn’t want to marry you and he’s trying to make it seem like you had some control in the situation. I’m guessing it would not be to his advantage financially if he married you?
He’s manipulating you, indeed why has he stayed with you if you are not nice? It’s nothing to do with how nice you are, I think he wants to make you feel bad and this is an easy way for him to do it.

FippertyGibbett · 20/12/2020 19:55

You (presumably) give him sex
You probably clean/cook/baby sit his kids.
Why wouldn’t he stay.

The bigger question is whether you want to be with him in 5, 10, 20 years time ?

nancybotwinbloom · 20/12/2020 19:58

Do you want to marry him?

If not, your right it's time to move on. If you do, you need to sit down snd talk to him.

Original poster
Meile · 20/12/2020 19:58

Yes I'm easy childcare for his hobbies.
He cycles and does motorcross, so I suppose I can easily facilitate.
Once, he tried to make out that I wasn't nice to the DCs and that was why he was sticking around. He apologised profusely afterwards, but I get an inkling of self-doubt still when I'm annoyed with DCs or frustrated with them

OP posts:
Somersetlevel · 20/12/2020 19:59

The question I would be asking him is why weren't you nicer to me? Why didn't you protect me from family abuse? why did you treat me like an unpaid maid, sex on tap you never paid for -not even with affection, emotional, mental and verbal abuse?

Why the F would I want to marry you?

Why aren't you begging me not to go? Because you know I'm going.

Gilda152 · 20/12/2020 20:00

People aren't perfect and if you've initiated a separation see it through, you are obviously not bringing out the best in each other.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 20/12/2020 20:07

Don't second guess yourself. Just ltb. He's no good to you.

Ohalrightthen · 20/12/2020 20:09

You're shit to him, he's shit to you, your children are presumably stuck in the middle.

Sounds like a great way to grow up.

grapewine · 20/12/2020 20:12

I'd want him out so fast the door hit him on his arse. It's not good enough for the children, and no one would speak to me like that. Fuck being "nice".

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/12/2020 20:14

He knows how to push your buttons and he's doing so. Chucking his toys out the pram because you're leaving.

He will soon accuse you of having an affair, and tell friends and family you've left him for another man.

Just ignore him. He's clearly a twat. Keep calm, grey rock him, and keep moving forward to separate.

SandyY2K · 20/12/2020 20:15

If he thought this however, why would he have had another child with me?

Maybe he doesn't want to have kids with different women.

Maybe he was hoping things would improve.

Many many women continue having kids with useless men, lazy men, abusive men...and they also don't want multiple fathers for their kids.

I know someone who wasn't happy in her relationship, but wanted a second child and she wanted the same father...so she got pregnant, then broke up with him when her maternity leave ended.

My point is...your Ex DP could have many reasons for doing this, while still not being happy in the relationship.

Why isn't he initiating a separation?

• Could be money.
• Could be that he loves you.
• Or he doesn't want to live apart from the DC.

• Fear

Could be all of the above and more.

Why is asking me to go away with him in a hotel over Christmas?

Maybe he's trying to make the most of things and improve the relationship.

Maybe he's hoping to get you in a better mood.

Did you ever consider couples counselling? I think you both could have done with support with communication and understanding each others feelings.

Jobsharenightmare · 20/12/2020 20:18

It sounds like other people get the best of you and he gets the worst. I agree this separation may be for the best but wonder if you are sure you have both done all you can to learn to be on the same team?

SandyY2K · 20/12/2020 20:20

@FippertyGibbett

You (presumably) give him sex

I didn't realise sex was a gift...surely it's something that should be mutually enjoyed by the 2 (or more) participants.

Onthedunes · 20/12/2020 20:25

Tell him you are wanting to get married, for love, fanancial security whatever and he is obviously not an option, so goodbye 'Mr I don't want to marry you'.

No wonder you talk to him disrespectfully.

Find someone else.

Supersimkin2 · 20/12/2020 20:29

Of course sex is a gift. If I cook you a delicious dinner, just cos we both enjoy it doesn't mean it somehow appeared from nowhere via Deliveroo.

HighSpecWhistle · 20/12/2020 20:36

Rather than turn it onto him, why not consider it properly. He made mistakes, you've made mistakes. It doesn't sound like you treat each other very nicely, albeit are loyal to each other.

Rather than argue over why you're not married, why not invest the energy into either improving things to make a better and happier future together (counselling, working on communication, checking yourselves before speaking badly to each other) or invest the time into planning a separation.

It sounds like you have lots of unresolved feelings about the relationship and getting married clearly isn't the answer. Sorting the issues is.

caringcarer · 20/12/2020 20:41

I"d say you are not well suited and separate.

RandomMess · 20/12/2020 20:42

I think it suits him, he wants to have his DC around without having to parent 60:40/50:50 you are a convenience.

He is also laying the foundation for going off with someone at some point in the future and it being all your fault conveniently ignoring his failure to make a solid family unit with you in the first place and having boundaries in place for his mother.

Tal45 · 20/12/2020 20:43

It sounds like one or both of you are really, really bad at communicating. It sounds like you're both pretty horrible to each other, you ask why isn't he leaving you, why did he have another child with you - but why have you stayed with him and had children with him? Why haven't you asked him these questions?
I've been though similar with my OH, even down to losing all respect and being horrible to him a lot. Things came to a head and he realised he didn't want us to split, wanted to change and went to counselling to work on his 101 issues. 3 years later we're still both working on things but we communicate and get on 100 times better than we have since we first met 20 something years age. If he isn't prepared to change then you can't fix him and you should leave, if you both really want to try to fix this then go to counselling would be my advice x

SnackySnack · 20/12/2020 20:55

This reply has been deleted

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SnackySnack · 20/12/2020 20:55

**comment

Ohalrightthen · 20/12/2020 21:08

@snackysnack that's your opinion, but i grew up with parents who treated each other the way OP describes her relationship, and as an adult i have very little to do with either of them for what they put us through.

CrazyToast · 20/12/2020 22:04

Sounds like he is the one who isn't nice to you. Don't let him spin it around.

StormTreader · 20/12/2020 23:15

Oh, this is an easy one.

When a guy says "if you were nicer to me, then maybe I'd...", what he means is "I want you to grovel, to promise you'll ask me to do nothing around the house ever and give me all the BJs and sex I want on tap because I'm dangling this prize in front of you that I know you want and you'll never actually get".

He's "leaving", he wants you to "be nicer", and he's booked a hotel.
Send him on his way, get on as you always have, and expect him to come sniffing back around in 3-6 months by which time hopefully you'll have enjoyed the lack of drama and will have no difficulty in telling him to get lost for good.

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