Maybe if you were a bit nicer, I would have married you.

[Meile]

DP just said this.
He's right, I could have been much nicer to him. I think I lost respect for him very slowly over the years, letting his mother wreak havoc over our lives after DC was born and not standing up to her until my mental health was in tatters, belittling my feelings, emotional neglect, squirreling away money, treating me like a live-in maid.
I've probably been horrible to him a lot of the time and what he's said is tearing me apart inside. I speak to him in a snappy, nasty way regarding chores, pull him up a lot on silly habits, I'm easily irritated by him and it definitely shows.
But...
I've put DCs first, always prioritised family time over my own needs, gone above and beyond when they've been sick and had health problems. I help people, give to charity, care about the people I love.
I'm devastated that he thinks I should be a nicer person. But in many ways, he is right, I'm not nice to him.

If he thought this however, why would he have had another child with me?

Why isn't he initiating a separation?
Why is asking me to go away with him in a hotel over Christmas?

I'm the one initiating separation and telling him we need to put the house on the market, he's the one dragging his heels.

But I'm still not "nice" enough to marry.

No wonder you talk to him disrespectfully

Wow

Of course sex is a gift. If I cook you a delicious dinner, just cos we both enjoy it doesn't mean it somehow appeared from nowhere via Deliveroo.

Madness.

@Nymeriastark1

I would respond with, ditto, if you were nicer to me I wouldn't be leaving you. And then I'd leave.

Boom! Was trying to think of how to say exactly this.

@sammylady37

No wonder you talk to him disrespectfully wow

Why? From what I've read she is doing everthing a wife and mother should do and more.

What is he doing ? Everthing he would do if he were single, but with the added bonus that his partner is bringing up his children free of charge.

She has no financial security, he on the other hand has been squirelling money away and in years to come he can walk away leaving her with nothing.

Sounds like a plan.

[quote Onthedunes]@sammylady37

No wonder you talk to him disrespectfully wow

Why? From what I've read she is doing everthing a wife and mother should do and more.

What is he doing ? Everthing he would do if he were single, but with the added bonus that his partner is bringing up his children free of charge.

She has no financial security, he on the other hand has been squirelling money away and in years to come he can walk away leaving her with nothing.

Sounds like a plan.[/quote]
The man is no prince, or no catch in any way, but there’s still a way to communicate within relationships, even more so if there’s kids involved and the op repeatedly states she is horrible and snappy and disrespectful towards him. That’s not on, IMO. and then being ‘devastated’ and ‘torn inside’ when he points it out is very strange.

Have a respectful, decent conversation where you air your grievances. That’s likely to get you a lot further than snapping and grousing.

He's just trying to manipulate you and make you second guess yourself. Don't fall for it

You do a lot for others - what about yourself - what do you do for him.
I think you don’t respect him - and that’s fine - he sounds like he’s not supported you when you have needed it.
Take way his power - tell him to leave if he wants - he’s eroding your confidence - don’t be grateful to him - work out what YOU want.
Get out more after lockdown - just you - leave perfect Daddy with the kids.

Tried so many times to talk to him about my grievances calmly, but I end up frustrated and upset as I'll think I've explained myself well but he'll respond with "you're unreasonable"
"You're mental"
"I disagree"
" you're wrong"
I've explained that these are my feelings around a certain problem and he should take them seriously and he always, without fail uses these words against me.
He will respond with "but these are my feelings around X, I can't help how I feel either."
And that is how the conversation regularly unfolds. I'm left feeling unheard and become shouty and "mental" as a result. He becomes all passive aggressive- lots of eye rolling, sighing and "whatever". He doesn't take even rhe mildest form of criticism well and jumps immediately on the defensive/attack.

Confused as to whether you've both agreed to separate, and he's just dragging his feet about the logistics of it, or if he hasn't accepted that you want to separate yet?

If you've decided to separate you shouldn't be involved in these conversations about your grievances with each other. They sound grim. What are you hoping to resolve? The great thing about separation is that it no longer matters what the other person thinks about you or why they think it.

It's often over chores and childcare as we're still living under the same roof @gannett

Can only suggest divvying up chores as much as possible in advance when you're both calm and then letting the other get on with it without sniping or comments.

As for childcare when you do eventually separate you're going to do things differently from each other anyway. You'll both have to learn to let things go even if you feel very strongly about them, unless it's an actual safety matter.

Easier said than done I know, day to day it can't be easy. But a minimum of actively unpleasant interaction should be the goal