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Original poster

I wish DH would do more

47 replies

Mylittleturkeysandwich · 20/12/2020 11:51

To give a bit of background we generally have a happy marriage. He helped me through a mental health crisis and is a decent person. We have generally split the household chores because we both worked full time. This has fluctuated from time to time for example when I was in may leave.

I am now working 2 jobs averaging around 70 hours a week because DH was a chef who was let go as a result of the pandemic. This means DH is almost solely responsible for looking after DS (13 months). Now I know this is a challenge and if at the end of the day they're both fed, clean and happy then I think he's done as well as I would.

However DH gets 2 DS free days. DS has a place at nursery that we are reluctant to give up. Paying for it on one wage was impossible which is part of the reason I've taken a second job. If we let the place go when DH is back into work we won't have childcare.

I think it's reasonable to expect DH to do the lions share of the housework on at least one of these days because it's easier and he has the time. DH views this as his 'time off' which I would ordinarily agree with but I'm working 7 days a week so there isn't much time for time off.

It's not being said with nastiness he just needs a break and I get that but we just don't have the luxury of having a break just now. AIBU?

OP posts:
Newwayofthinking · 20/12/2020 12:05

If your working 2 jobs and he isn't working, he should pick up all the housework and you help out with DS when you get home.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 20/12/2020 12:07

You’re working two jobs with no days off and he’s complaining about having to do housework in the house he lives in? He sounds like a massive bellend tbh.

LightDrizzle · 20/12/2020 12:10

He should currently be doing all housework and almost all cooking and clearing up. You should be picking up after yourself and doing the little maintenance things that every member of a household should do; wiping spills and crumbs when you see them, picking up and home stray items.
How can he possibly justify this?

RantyAnty · 20/12/2020 12:14

He's not working so he needs to be doing all of it.
When is he planning on finding another job?

LilyLongJohn · 20/12/2020 12:14

If your working 2 jobs and he isn't working, he should pick up all the housework and you help out with DS when you get home

This!

Weirdfan · 20/12/2020 12:22

I'm in your DH's position, at home while my DH is working flat out. He still pitches in when he's around with cooking, DC etc but it would be very unfair if I let him do too much else, poor bloke is so knackered he falls asleep as soon as he sits down and he's working similar hours to you OP. I love him so I don't want him burning himself out or being more vulnerable to Covid or other illnesses because he's run down, picking up the slack at home is the least I can do while the weight of bringing money in is all on him. I'd be hurt your DH doesn't feel the same tbh OP in your shoes, you must feel very unsupported Flowers

Original poster
Mylittleturkeysandwich · 20/12/2020 12:23

Thanks all, I absolutely help out with DS when I can but I'm often out early and back late so I don't see much of him. Which is a separate issue I had a wee cry about this morning.

I can't say he's not looking for work he's honestly applying for anything he can see. The issue is that there's a lot of unemployment and so is everyone else.

He does do some housework round about DS but the bigger things like cleaning the bathroom etc get left and I end up doing it late when I get in.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 20/12/2020 12:26

How long are you planning to continue working all these hours?

Original poster
Mylittleturkeysandwich · 20/12/2020 12:36

I'll probably have to keep it up until he's back in work. Who knows how long that will be.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/12/2020 12:36

Yes, he needs to be picking up the housework at least on one of the days. You shouldn't be doing it when you get home.

category12 · 20/12/2020 12:37

And you need to be careful, you'll make yourself ill working like this, and then where will you guys be?

VettiyaIruken · 20/12/2020 12:43

Do you think it would get through to him if you said look, I am working two jobs. I need you to work two jobs as well. Two days off a week for one of us and no days off for the other is not fair and not sustainable.

Sakurami · 20/12/2020 12:47

What a lazy bastard. I'm sorry, but if my partner was working 70 hours a week and I was just looking after 1 child 5 days a week, then I would do absolutely everything else.

Why couldn't he have gotten a different/temporary job instead of you getting a 2nd one? What about delivery drivers, work in supermarkets etc? Just something temporary?

Dullardmullard · 20/12/2020 12:51

Sounds like a reverse as this is what women do daily and then bitch about it

I know I do and I usually just tell him your slipping again and it’s not all wife’s work as in all on me.

I couldn’t get Arsed about a bathroom unless it’s disgusting and his two days off well I’ll bet he’s not just leaving everything but going around tidying wee bits as he goes.

Shame your working long hours I feel for you there. Hopefully one day that’ll change but you’ll burn out too and surely your allowed at least one day off per week/fortnight.

Original poster
Mylittleturkeysandwich · 20/12/2020 13:04

@VettiyaIruken yes I think that might be the tact to take. I don't think he's doing it to be unkind or unfair I just don't think it occurs to him that he doesn't have the time to do nothing.

I know it's not sustainable long term but I really don't see an option. He is applying for any job he can do. He can't drive unfortunately as it's a delivery job I've taken on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mylittleturkeysandwich · 20/12/2020 13:08

Definitely not a reverse. When I was on mat leave I did most of the housework but he was only working 5 days a week. It was easier to accomplish things then.

He doesn't particularly pick up after himself on his days off. I've been doing this a few weeks now and every time I'm home it's a little worse. I had to nag him for days to run the hoover over the living room where DS plays because it was gross and I was home too late to do it myself. One of my jobs is WFH and I do what I can on my lunch but I only get 30 mins and I need to eat.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 20/12/2020 13:27

This really is unfair to you.

With the uncertainty of covid, it may take years for the restaurant industry to recover.

It might be time to think about other options.

Does your DH not drive at all?
Does he have other training or degree?

Could the time and money spent on childcare you don't use, be better spent elsewhere?

LouHotel · 20/12/2020 13:35

OP you need to give up the nursery place and cut back your hours by at least a day, what you are doing cant continue.

13 months old dont get anything from nursery setting and this situation is likely to continue for months in the hospitality trade. I bet the baby is waking in the night too.

Take the baby out, and put his name down for a toddler room at 2. Put it out of your mind until then.

Your working two jobs one that is driving and hes moaning about doing housework on his days 'off' sorry but he's an absolute twat who needs to get a grip on his new role in the household.

Sexnotgender · 20/12/2020 13:39

He’s being an entitled prick.

He sees it as your job and probably thinks he’s doing you a favour looking after DS.

2 days off a week is an absolute luxury. He’s taking the piss.

Original poster
Mylittleturkeysandwich · 20/12/2020 13:40

We can't survive long term on just my wage so DH does have to find work. That's why I haven't given the place up. I know DS isn't benefiting much from nursery although he does seem to like it but I'll loose a lot if DH doesn't get back into work.

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 20/12/2020 13:49

2 days off a week and he expects to do nothing on those days!! He doesn't sound as if he does much on the other 5 either!!
You are working your backside off and he needs a break?? Stop being so accommodating and start telling him what needs to be done in your absence. He can't even put the hoover round?? Too ridiculous for words!

LilyWater · 20/12/2020 14:36

How much effort is he putting into finding work? Working 7 days a week full time is going to make you ill. I would be expecting him to make finding a decent job a big priority (I understand that Xmas is a quiet time for recruitmentbut things will pick up from next month). The good thing about this situation is that he understands first hand how hard looking after a child is. So many men underestimate this.

Original poster
Mylittleturkeysandwich · 20/12/2020 14:55

He really is trying. He's constantly on looking and applying. He's been in contact with previous colleagues to see if they've heard of anything that's about to be put up. He's applied for job seekers but there seems to be a backlog.

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 20/12/2020 15:12

Where are your two free days per week? Why does your h think he deserves so much free time when you don't have any?

Quartz2208 · 20/12/2020 15:17

He may be trying to get work but that seems to be it

I think you need a frank conversation about this OP and what he needs to do

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