I wish DH would do more

[Mylittleturkeysandwich]

To give a bit of background we generally have a happy marriage. He helped me through a mental health crisis and is a decent person. We have generally split the household chores because we both worked full time. This has fluctuated from time to time for example when I was in may leave.

I am now working 2 jobs averaging around 70 hours a week because DH was a chef who was let go as a result of the pandemic. This means DH is almost solely responsible for looking after DS (13 months). Now I know this is a challenge and if at the end of the day they're both fed, clean and happy then I think he's done as well as I would.

However DH gets 2 DS free days. DS has a place at nursery that we are reluctant to give up. Paying for it on one wage was impossible which is part of the reason I've taken a second job. If we let the place go when DH is back into work we won't have childcare.

I think it's reasonable to expect DH to do the lions share of the housework on at least one of these days because it's easier and he has the time. DH views this as his 'time off' which I would ordinarily agree with but I'm working 7 days a week so there isn't much time for time off.

It's not being said with nastiness he just needs a break and I get that but we just don't have the luxury of having a break just now. AIBU?

@Quartz2208 you're right. I know I do. I honestly wasn't sure if I was being a meanie. I don't grudge him some free time. I just can't pick up the slack for him to have it just now. At least Christmas is coming up. I'm off Christmas Day and Boxing Day from both jobs.

No you shouldn't be working yourself to the bone while he has two free days and not lifting a finger. That is not acceptable. You need to let him know that. He can be looking for jobs AND still pick up the slack at home.

Equal leisure time, OP. It's the only way.

Currently he's doing a five day week (otherwise known as Normal Life, although to be fair to the rest of us on our two non-work days we do still have to look after our children) and you're doing a seven day week PLUS cleaning the bathroom?? No, no and thrice no.

Ask him now why he deserves two days off and you deserve none. I'm dying to know his justification for this.

Ask him now why he deserves two days off and you deserve none. I'm dying to know his justification for this.

This. Ask him this calmly.

When is he applying for jobs? Is he applying for jobs?

I agree you are having to do way too much but also think that 2 days with a child at nursery isn't much to do all the housework plus job applications and interviews.

Chef work will.be impossible to come by, but there are delivery jobs and others that are lower paid but might take some of the stress off you, and give you more time with your DC and him some self esteem and time out of the house.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Ask him now why he deserves two days off and you deserve none. I'm dying to know his justification for this.

This. Ask him this calmly.

Sorry to clarify I said calmly not because you don't deserve to be enraged (he sounds like a prick) just because I think he owes you an explanation and he's perhaps more likely to attempt to provide one if you ask calmly. There's literally no answer he can give that would make his behaviour acceptable though, I don't think!

Interesting to compare the replies here and on threads where the man is the breadwinner.

OP,
He may be looking for jobs but he really is taking the piss thinking he can have to days off while you work 70 hours a week.

He sounds lazy and a bit of a waster.

He should be doing absolutely everything in the home and you helping with the baby when you are off.

No excuse for such selfishness.

Mind yourself OP.

@Northernparent68 to to clarify being the breadwinner isn't the issue. I was the breadwinner on 37.5 hours a week and happily and gladly did at least my share of household chores. The issue I have is that I've almost doubled that. I don't have time to eat, sleep and do the amount that I was.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I will speak to him when I get time. Who knows when that will be lol but I will.

Believe me, if a guy was working 2 jobs doing 70hrs a week, I wouldn't be telling him he should be doing lots of housework when he got in.

@category12

Believe me, if a guy was working 2 jobs doing 70hrs a week, I wouldn't be telling him he should be doing lots of housework when he got in.

This. The responses aren't about the sex of those involved, they're about fairness.

He should be doing all the housework, maybe not to an amazing standard but reasonable. That's what I would do in his position. He could still do that and get some free time on a nursery day.

I had a bit of a similar "disagreement" with my OH today. I have two older boys and we have a six month-old together. OH complained about having to do the cooking whilst I looked after the baby and said why couldn't I do it? My reply was why couldn't he do any washing or cleaning?!! 😂

I would give up the childcare place and lose one of the jobs / cut your hours.

If/when your OH gets a job you can then find somewhere your child can go. 2 days a week probably wouldn't be enough cover anyway. There is no way I would have the stamina to do a 70h week. I don't think that's sustainable.

When we entered the first lockdown, DP had just been made redundant out of the blue.
He immediately picked up all of the housework shopping cooking and homeschooling for 3DCs as my work went stupidly busy. I worked, paid the bills etc.
In September he started a new business and went from no work to 80+ hours a week, and now we do stuff between us. It isn't easy and our DCs are school aged, but sometimes we just have to accept that neither of us gets a day off or a break from working.

@Northernparent68

Interesting to compare the replies here and on threads where the man is the breadwinner.

Do add a link the threads here, where the dad is working 2 jobs, 7 days a week and the mum gets 2 days all to herself to do fuck all...

Aye, I'll not hold my breath.

I agree with @kayakingmum give up the nursery place and cut your jobs back if that is then affordable. In this climate it may be hard for your dh to find a job, there are not many chef jobs about and competition for what jobs there are is fierce. In the meantime you are overworking to pay for childcare and the relationship is suffering.

We wouldn't be able to get by on my wage alone even without nursery fees. I've got a couple of payment holidays on the go just now but as soon as they end we're in trouble.

I did have a brief chat with DH last night (I was shattered) about him picking up things. He was receptive and apologised. He said he's so used to me just doing certain things that he didn't even think to do them himself. For example getting the shopping, I've always done it because I have the car but I don't have time right now. He's taking the wee one and a rucksack this morning to do the shopping.

I have an evening off tonight which I'm quite looking forward to.

That's good news.

On your DH's two days off he should be doing EVERYTHING around the house inc a food shop

You work two jobs and seventy hours. Write him a big list

@Burnthurst187

On your DH's two days off he should be doing EVERYTHING around the house inc a food shop

You work two jobs and seventy hours. Write him a big list

He's a grown ass man, he doesn't need a list, he just needs to look