A rough script for the “I want a divorce” talk

[Zupermumm]

For those of you who have had the “I want a divorce” talk, can you help me build a script or talk track so I can prepare? I will grin and bear it through Xmas but need to have the talk in January as 2021 is going to be my year to start living the life I dreamed of.

Background d. Married for 15 years. The last 7 years have been crappy. 5 years ago he had an affair with a coworker. I left and moved into a rental with the kids (1&3) and was coaxed back under the promise that he would change, and to give him a second chance. Nothing has changed and I’m so angry at myself for not cutting ties, and wasting another 5 years of my life with him.

I’ve been dropping hints for the past 2 years but I’m sure he will claim he is blind sighted by my request to divorce. I think I can pinpoint to 3 key reasons (although there are many) so was going to structure it like:

Opening: We need to talk - I want a divorce

Reason #1 : Short tempered and angry all the time. Argues with the kids 6&8yo boys and verbally abuses them, puts them down, calling them stupid and ruining his life. He is abusive towards his elderly mum, and my mum (actually all women and kids). Our Kids are scared of him when he is in a rage and ask me why daddy is so horrible to them. I live for the moments I spend with the kids, without him around, and I want to bring them up in a happy environment.

Reason #2 : We aren’t attracted to each other anymore. We haven’t had sex for 7.5 years she. The youngest was conceived. A nightly peck on the lips is not enough for me. I can’t live like this any longer. I’m not overweight but my self esteem is at an all time low because I feel unattractive, and I want the opportunity to date others and feel loved.

Reason #3: Tossing up between “I thought by now you would have matured, but no, you continue to act and dress like a 17yo in a 43yo body” or “I dread weekends and holidays with you” or “we just want different things in life, let’s accept this and move on amicably” option 3 is probably the gentle option - quite frankly I hate him, and the longer I stay with him the more I hate myself for staying with him.

Closing: I want you to move out this time (I moved out last time with the kids) now they are older they need to be in a stable home while they process this change. We can sell the house in a year or two. Take whatever you need, and the kids and I will make do with what is left.

[if he refuses to leave, I guess we will need to sell the house which will disrupt the kids and I know I will do all the pre-sale work]

I earn more than him, but still do all the ‘stay at home mum’ stuff, as well as working full time, so I know the kids and I will be ok. I just want out. I’m done. I’m just gutless at having these confrontational conversations. It was much easier last time when it was obvious he was seeing another woman ... I had the phone bills, emails, and photos to prove. This time I am going to be the bad arse, and that makes me uncomfortable.

Help me please :)

Before you have the talk go see a solicitor about financials. If you start to feel guilty, that might stop you from agreeing to anything drastically unfair. It might make it a bit more real to you, at the minute it sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into it - you don't need to lay out your reasons, the fact you think you need to justify wanting a divorce like you're in court in front of a judge says everything about the state of your marriage! Good luck OP.

The talk is just a talk. Suggest getting all your ducks in a row first, then simply inform him. Would prepare for him being difficult over everything: v unlikely he’ll move out etc. And have your plan to manage that, eg selling the house.

Yes, I agree with Tea - you don't actually need to give reasons/convince anyone. If you are unhappy and want to divorce then that's good enough. Keep it short and to the point and make sure you have legal advice and emotional support.

Sounds like my last attempt, trying to justify why. All that resulted in was him gaslighting me into feeling guilty and like it was all my fault. You don't need reasons, that only gives him something to argue about.

Marking my place as I’m in a similar position.
Mine is currently
There’s no easy way to say this, but I’m divorcing you. We separated a long time ago, I feel like I’m wasting my life. We’re done’ I’d also like to add, I loathe everything about you, please leave and never come back, but that’s probably not a good place to start.

Do you need to go into so much detail? Seems like that would provoke a row?

Agree with others, please dont list the reasons, just tell him you have been unhappy for a long time and want a divorce. Now lets deal with the house. He will get angry and he will shout and blame you and ask why? why? why? All you do is repeat, I want a divorce now we need to work our how we move forward. Do not get embroiled into trying to explain yourself. Always repeat the same answer, I want a divorce now lets work out how we move forward. If he is a bully he will do anything to derail you, just stick to your script always. Go to get advise first. Ducks in a row and keep strong in your mind to never get pulled back by him saying he will change, they don't as you sadly discovered.

Fortunately, I think I have my ducks in a row already - this has been a long process and I have been actively gathering financial information and documenting all his verbal assaults on the kids, myself and his mum for the past 15 months. I don't care if he gets 50% of our assets as I earn enough to give the kids everything they need, I just want the kids with me most of the time, and to get out of this mess as amicably as possible. We have a spare room I can move into if he refuses to move out. I saw a solicitor last time we split so I have a fair idea of what will happen, and how much it will cost, I know now is the right time to do it.

I am just dreading the conversation as I fear he thinks things are OK :( i.e. I have stopped getting angry at him when he's mouthing at the kids, as he turns around and blames them for me getting mad at him. Hence I think he thinks things are OK when they are far from OK in my mind. I have been waiting for the moment when he oversteps the line too far, but he hasn't got there yet. Makes it more difficult!

I don't even want a separation - I just want to go straight to divorce.

Keep telling yourself that it really doesn't matter what he thinks. It has no bearing on your decision.

And remember you do not need to argue with him. And as others have said you do not need to explain or give reasons or justifications. You know and he knows.

Realising you don't have to have an argument as a hugely liberating feeling. Just hand him divorce papers and talk about when he's going to move out. Other than that, gray rock.

Agree with others, this isn't going to be about winning hearts and minds. I too would do the legal consultation first so you have accurate preparation. As many will tell you the divorce process isn't interested in blame it just needs grounds. The sexless marriage is strong enough a case; the previous fidelity not relevant this time but probably adds context to why you are where you are now. I would cite the shouting/arguing as part of the unreasonable behaviour but division of labour would personally be my final straw list.

I doubt he will move out as well - more because you are asking for it rather than because it doesn't make sense. He sounds incredibly angry (I would avoid getting into that) if you can afford it, get yourself some good therapy on side to help you process what might get thrown your way response wise. I say that because you have already identified you can be easily decentred from your position just by the conflict and the guilt. Having someone who helps you hold a position is invaluable in this process. Put a strong support network in place as you may be surprised how others come forward in ways you had not anticipated and not always helpfully. FYI January is traditionally very busy on the instigating divorce front so I would book now if you can.

And good work with all the prep you've been doing!

Aha, thank you - I guess I need to keep it really short and perhaps just keep these reasons up my sleeve for when he asks why?

I am just really crap at ad hoc conversations, so thought a quasi script would be a good idea for such an important conversation.

You don’t need a reason. Just tell him it’s happening.

You just want that little push over the line OP, I get it.

Well done for all your preparation. You can do it. Get the kids in bed tonight and just say it. Best wishes.

I just said...

You're not happy, I'm not happy, I don't think it can be fixed, what shall we do?🤷‍♀️

He said..dunno! 🤷‍♀️

I said...So I guess you want me to be the bitch which breaks up the family.

I started divorce proceedings

^^^^
THIS
I honestly don't see what benefits giving reasons beyond "I'm not happy, yes, I am sure" will provide.
Don't get drawn in. It's over. Concentrate on the nuts and bolts of the divorce. Sooner that's done, the sooner you can both start new improved lives. Keep your eyes on that and don't get distracted by anything else.

OP,
He is highly abusive.
You need to be doing this for your children.

I think you need to focus on how abusive he is to your children, yourself and family.

Log with 101.
Get legal advice.

Your poor children living in such a toxic home.

Be strong and think of those poor children.

Think I'd just keep it short. This relationship has been dead for years, I want us to divorce. No character assassination, or reasons required, it's enough that you want to. If he insists, you can give him the other blurb, but that will just make it resend into an argument. Much better to discuss practicalities.

I think the reasons that you have listed are for you internally to register. You don't need to tell him as they will just provoke an argument. I think you should consider telling him that you are unhappy and that's it. I wish you the best of luck with everything. Please don't delay your plans though waiting for a perfect time as sadly there isn't one and your children will continue to be subjected to his anger

I agree with the poster who said don’t give him reasons as it’s something to argue about, very true.

When I split up wi to my ex earlier this year (fortunately we were not married) I started off with reasons, being no sex life, disinterest in family life etc etc and he argued the toss about these.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you op hope it goes smoothly and he agrees to leave. Wishing you and your family the best of luck with your new lives

Don't have a talk. Just serve him divorce papers -I did.
You've had the talk -he knows why.

I just handed mine the papers -actually he got them in the post.

If you can afford it -just hire removals and go -and ring him say "Divorce papers are on the breakfast table. It wasn't working 5 years ago, when I left then and it's not working now -it's worse. I hope we can do this amicably, proposed contact is in with the divorce papers." done- cut off the oxygen to the discussion.

Thank you so much for the advice. I think I have played this conversation over and over again in my head for years, and now I'm just nervous it won't come out the way I want it.

I guess I'm worried he will be blind sighted - how could I possibly be unhappy with this situation (?) and I'm also worried about his anger issues. So I'm trying to cover all bases.

I had planned to deliver the message and then take the kids away by myself for a couple of days for him to cool off, but COVID lockdown has put an end to that plan. I can always take them to my parents place if I need.

Thank you again. He is an angry man, and in denial about his anger, I just hope I can get through this.

Good luck

No need for reasons OP.

He is an angry man.

Flag your house with the police.

You are nervous of him.

That's enough reason to register with the police.

Your children need to be out of this environment.

Go to your parents.

I'm wondering about where the children will be when you tell him, op. You've already said that he's angry and abusive, I think it's possible he will kick off one almighty row and drag the children into it all. Could he turn violent?
Could you and the children leave while he is out of the house? Could you rent a place temporarily? It's really difficult I know but I think trying to give him your reasons might be the least of your worries. Don't underestimate an abuser. And good luck.

My solicitor told me, there is only ever one reason for a divorce: that the marriage has broken down irretrievably.

Just tell him that - there is no marriage left as far as you're concerned.