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Original poster

I’m struggling with my sexuality

36 replies

user1491677187 · 19/12/2020 19:12

Evening everyone, this is my first time posting so please be kind, I’m not sure what to expect to be honest.

I’m 27 years of age and up until super recently I always considered myself straight I’ve had long term relationships with men & have never considered anything else, until 6 months ago I met a woman well let’s just say I’m completely hooked!!! She is also straight, but on a drunken night we both came clean that there seems to be some sort of connection between us, since that night conversation bloomed we were talking all the time, meeting up regularly, flirting, then I told her I thought she was beautiful & she said she finds it hard to receive compliments & since that she’s gone cold on me, conversation has died, haven’t seen her in a few days, she is very busy so I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid but I’m so confused, it’s making me miserable now... I really like her!!!! But haven’t ever felt like this about a woman before. Someone help!!!!

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 19/12/2020 19:18

I'm straight so it's hard to comment. Do you like other women? Could it just be that you just get on really well? I had a guy friend at work I was like that with. If I'd have fancied him, we would have been perfect!!

Original poster
user1491677187 · 19/12/2020 19:21

She’s the first woman I’ve ever liked & it’s become a bit all consuming!!!

OP posts:
hellohello202011 · 19/12/2020 19:25

I've read somewhere a long time ago, that all humans are bisexual to some degree. Was that someone's theory, or whether they've done some kind of population survey I'm not sure

peppita · 19/12/2020 19:31

@hellohello202011

I've read somewhere a long time ago, that all humans are bisexual to some degree. Was that someone's theory, or whether they've done some kind of population survey I'm not sure

What you've just said is massively homophobic, but ok.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/12/2020 19:35

@user1491677187

She’s the first woman I’ve ever liked & it’s become a bit all consuming!!!
Well it would, wouldn't it? Smile

Try to step back and breathe. Consider how much is her, and how much is excitement, novelty, a realisation about yourself. It's OK to just wait and see. You don't need to label yourself if it's not helpful.

londongirl12 · 19/12/2020 19:37

@peppita why is that homophobic?

peppita · 19/12/2020 19:41

[quote londongirl12]@peppita why is that homophobic? [/quote]

Why is it homophobic to suggest everyone is bisexual?
It's suggesting sexuality is a choice. And those who are gay and lesbian have decided to be so.
They haven't. They are.
The idea of everyone being bisexual or sexuality being fluid is inherently homophobic.

HermioneWeasley · 19/12/2020 19:46

It sounds like it might all have got a bit real for her when you told her you think she’s beautiful. Give her some space, and leave it to her to return your contact.

I hope it works out. I was madly in lust with my friend, and when I finally made a move she felt the same way.

MrDarcysMa · 19/12/2020 19:49

Are you sexually attracted to her ? Can you imagine yourself realistically having sex with her? You could be pansexual or bisexual. It's not that unusual, just lots of people don't act on it.
Sounds like you've come on a bit strong though and should give her some space.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2020 19:50

Your sexuality and your relationship with this woman are two separate issues, really. If she is backing away you need to respect that and leave her alone. This would apply to a man, as well.

Wanderlusto · 19/12/2020 19:52

It's not suggesting it's a choice at all.

People like what they like whether you feel they are 'bi enough' or not. Some people like men and women. Some people think they like men their whole lives like op and then discover a lady they like. You could argue that makes them bi or, that it's just a fluke. But what one person likes does not diminish what other person likes. Or amount to homophobia. So please, spare us the drama.

Wanderlusto · 19/12/2020 19:55

Do you think maybe she had a bit of a friend crush op? As opposed to a crush crush. Like sometimes when you have a mate that is really cool and you get a bit...in awe of. And maybe she thought that's how you saw her too..

Openalltheadvent · 19/12/2020 20:00

@peppita I think you need to google what homophobic means

ChiaraRimini · 19/12/2020 20:06

@peppita nice derail.
It's unrealistic to say that everyone is bisexual. However I think it's fair to say that there are a lot of "invisible" bisexual people out there as if single or in a LTR they are assumed to be straight or gay. Or like the OP they have just not met the "right" person before of the opposite sex to which they have previously been attracted.

Original poster
user1491677187 · 19/12/2020 21:03

@HermioneWeasley I think you are absolutely right, she has now said that it just felt I was moving at a faster pace than her.... neither of us know how to do this so I guess we are just struggling, I just like her so much and feel like a teenager again not sure how to rein it in

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/12/2020 21:10

It sounds like she's got cold feet and decided to cool things off. How did you meet? If it was at work she might be worried about office gossip (sadly still rife in 2020)

ChloeR12 · 19/12/2020 21:17

This is just a past experience of mine. No help probably so apologies! Haha

You can be attracted to anyone, and still be straight, I'm a women who has only ever had relationships with men. However I have experimented sexually with women, I can be attracted to women and also have strong connections with women. But for me personally I think it is just curiosity. As I could never see myself in a relationship with a women. It's good to experiment etc, you'll find yourself once you do. It's strange that I can experiment with women and form connections with women but could never have a relationship x

peppita · 19/12/2020 21:55

[quote Openalltheadvent]@peppita I think you need to google what homophobic means[/quote]

Suggesting that being gay is a choice would fit within the definition of what homophobia is.

peppita · 19/12/2020 21:57

[quote ChiaraRimini]@peppita nice derail.
It's unrealistic to say that everyone is bisexual. However I think it's fair to say that there are a lot of "invisible" bisexual people out there as if single or in a LTR they are assumed to be straight or gay. Or like the OP they have just not met the "right" person before of the opposite sex to which they have previously been attracted. [/quote]
Not a derail.
Suggesting that everyone is bisexual is homophobic.
It's not a choice.
There are a lot of people who perhaps don't realise they're gay or bisexual until later on.
But not everyone is bisexual, and sexuality isn't fluid.
I was in a similar situation to OP. I think it's entirely possible she is bisexual or a lesbian, and hasn't realised until a little later.
But not everyone is bisexual.

Marmozet · 19/12/2020 22:20

Did you say this to her in person or over message?

Original poster
user1491677187 · 19/12/2020 22:26

@Marmozet the compliment was on a text message just after I'd seen her

OP posts:
Marmozet · 19/12/2020 22:29

And what exactly was her response to that? Also what were the messages like after? It maybe that she genuinely is busy or needs to think about things.

suggestionsplease1 · 19/12/2020 22:31

I don't think it's homophobic to speculate over whether there's an element of choice to sexual behaviours or attraction, or indulgence of attraction.

In fact, I think that's possibly one of the most empowering possibilities, as otherwise we have to fall back on "but I can't help it, I was just born this way", whic, it could be argued, is quite a weak position.

To consider that there is an element of choice, and that it is positive choice to enjoy attraction and sexuality with your own sex, is a much more liberating position to be in.

I'm a gay woman and I do tend to think I am mostly wired this way, but I also experience attraction to men and have had sexual relationships with men.

Anyway, back to OP - I think to distinguish whether this is a friend crush or relationship crush you really need to recognise where your sexual desires lie - can you really imagine a fulfilling, reciprocated sexual relationship with this women - do you really want to go to bed with her? If not, it's maybe more of a friend crush that you can experience for people you admire.

farandfew · 20/12/2020 00:56

I'm not following how:

a) the pp saying 'everyone is bisexual to some degree' is suggesting sexuality is a choice

Or

b) the suggestion that sexuality is fluid is inherently homophobic

These statements seem like conjecture to me.

Jdhshekr · 20/12/2020 05:43

@ChloeR12

This is just a past experience of mine. No help probably so apologies! Haha

You can be attracted to anyone, and still be straight, I'm a women who has only ever had relationships with men. However I have experimented sexually with women, I can be attracted to women and also have strong connections with women. But for me personally I think it is just curiosity. As I could never see myself in a relationship with a women. It's good to experiment etc, you'll find yourself once you do. It's strange that I can experiment with women and form connections with women but could never have a relationship x

Spotted this comment. This was me - those were my exact thoughts. Turns out I’m gay. Took me a very long time to realise (until my late 30s).

And re the everyone is bisexual/homophobia discussion: I’m not sure if I’d go as far to say that I think it’s homophobic but it is definitely something that makes me feel uncomfortable as it suggests that being gay is a choice. It isn’t a choice.

OP, Give her some time. She’s probably freaking out if she’s never felt like this about a woman before. Just take a step back and leave the ball in her court.