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Original poster

Am I being silly here?

38 replies

threeguineapigs · 19/12/2020 17:42

Looking for any helpful advice or insights please.

I got engaged to my partner 4 months ago. We were together for 2 years, split for 2 and we have been back together for almost 5 years. In the 2 years we were apart I didn't get over him. When we got back together it felt like all my dreams came true. We now have a lovely house which we have just finished doing up, we have pets who are our babies and a relatively comfortable life. He is sweet, patient and caring.

The negatives.

  • His mum comes first and he has specifically told me this in the past. When questioned now, he denies it and says we are both equally his priority. Deep down I know if push came to shove that wouldn't be the case. Of course his mum should be important, but there is a very sensitive issue on his side of the family which I don't want to go into, and the fact that he puts her wants first on this issue could turn out to be dangerous for any children we might have.
  • There is no compromise on big disagreements - he suggests splitting up rather than changing his ways or mind.
  • We have stopped making time for each other. He loves to play on his ps3 and I feel he prefers this over spending time with me, which has been hurtful. I got really upset about this recently and I feel like he has tried to make more of an effort since, but I now feel like I've gone past it and actually like being on my own.
  • I recently did something to my back and was in agony for weeks. He chose this time to work away for 2 weeks rather than support me at home because, in his words, he doesn't like being around me when I'm unhappy.

Anyway, many years ago when I was 16 I met a guy at work. We wanted to date but my parents wouldn't let me because he was too old for me (7 years older). We saw eachother in secret for a couple of months but of course that couldn't last. My parents found out and went ballistic. They never met him but they hated him - I guess they were a bit overprotective. I never forgot about him though. Well this guy has recently come back into my life as we work for the same company (not in the same place though). We talked and then messaged, and it has kind of escalated and we've become really close. We talk all the time. He said he is over the moon that I'm back in his life, he wishes the situation was different because he would love to take me out. He said he has always thought about me too. He really seems to understand me in a way that even my partner doesn't. We have so much in common, laugh about the same things. I met with him, only for an hour, and it was so so good. Nothing happened physically but there is a big attraction there. We have a really strong connection which I'm struggling to let go of. I know he feels the same.

He works full time but in a low paid job and rents a flat which really badly needs work but he can't even save a deposit to move. I know these are material things but should they matter when that side of my life is so good where I am?

Would I be mad to even consider switching the life I have to one with him? The thought of leaving my partner and home is really tough, I don't know if I could do it. But since we got engaged I have been worrying, deep down, that it's not right, considering what I have explained above.

Please be kind. I have no one else to talk to and this is eating me up inside. Thank you if you have got this far.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/12/2020 18:15

I recently did something to my back and was in agony for weeks. He chose this time to work away for 2 weeks rather than support me at home because, in his words, he doesn't like being around me when I'm unhappy.
This means that whenever the going gets tough, he wouldn't be there for you. If you have kids, this would be a nightmare. If you got ill, this would be a nightmare. If you have a bereavement or any other sad life event, this would be a nightmare.

Plus, your head's been turned by another guy, so this thing is dead in the water.

Call it a day with your fiance.

AIMD · 19/12/2020 18:19

Your oh sounds awful. Who doesn’t look after someone they love when they’re age hurt unless there is literally a very good reason not to?
The issue about future kids being at risk is a big deal too...well if you plan to have kids it is. Him prioritising his mum, whilst there also being a risk to children sounds like a recipe for disaster!

If your thinking about this other guy I’d consider why? Maybe because your know your OH isn’t good enough for you and the relationship isn’t working.

Hailtomyteeth · 19/12/2020 18:26

Nope. You don't want a man who might bring trouble to any future children you might have. Also, this one is controlling and doesn't care about you. Therefore, I say ditch him now, before Christmas. Get on with your life.

This other fellow, take him with a pinch of salt. He's after a legover, which will be wonderful if that's what you want too, but your interest in his earning power and assets suggests you're looking for a life partner and father for your children, so be ruthlessly practical - he's not going to cut it.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 19/12/2020 18:39

Move on without either of them - time for pastures new!

whatwedontknow · 19/12/2020 18:48

He is sweet, patient and caring. erm no he isn’t

Don’t jump from one fantasy to another. You can leave, be on your own. You don’t have to swap. You can then date who you want.

Gigheimer · 19/12/2020 18:59

You are living in the past with BOTH of them, forget the other gut at first in this situation, you fiancé sounds like it’s dead in the water, unsafe to have kids (wtf I assume supporting a nonce?!), and won’t be there for you in bad times. So that needs to be ended.

Now the other guy, ok there may be something there but to me it sounds like you can’t actually be alone or you would have left fiancé or not gone back after the 2 years. So I’d be single for a while until you know yourself.

Eckhart · 19/12/2020 19:06

Have you ever spent a substantial period of time single, OP?

Essentially what you're saying is there are 2 men, and you're not really sure about either of them. Why do you feel you need to be with someone you're not sure about?

I think the reason it's eating you up is because you're trying to choose between a and b, when the answer is c.

Original poster
threeguineapigs · 19/12/2020 19:19

I know I've not painted a great picture of my partner, I haven't mentioned all of the lovely things he does. No relationship is perfect right?

In terms of the other guy just wanting to get his leg over, I've thought the same and even told him that. I truly don't think that's the case though.

Yes I have been single and I don't consider myself somebody who needs someone. I lived by myself in my own place for years and I loved it.

Okay, let's say I need to leave. How do people muster the strength to do that? I love my home. I love my partner despite his flaws. Imagining having to sell the house together and separate our lives makes me feel sad and sick. Knowing he'd eventually move on with someone else makes me feel the same. I know people do it all the time but I just don't think I'm strong enough Sad

OP posts:
RelapsedChocoholic · 19/12/2020 19:24

The current guy is unable to compromise, puts his mother ahead of you, and abandons you when you need him.

The ‘new’ guy dated a 16 year old when he was 23 (your parents were not being ‘over protective’ btw), and currently has a low paid job, and lives in a rented flat that needs work.

Neither of these men are deserving of you or your time. IMO you would be mad to continue with either of them.

whatwedontknow · 19/12/2020 19:26

Did you not have doubts 4 months ago when you got engaged? No relationship is perfect but from what you said yours falls far from it.

How do you leave? Have a big disagreement and when he says I would rather leave than change my mind, reply with off you fuck then, back to your mother.

Eckhart · 19/12/2020 19:26

No relationship is perfect right

That's right. And this one is not perfect because one partner is considering leaving the other for someone else. So the only reason it matters that your partner is sweet and kind is because it's worse to be doing this to a nice person.

How would you feel if he had his eyes and his mind on an old flame, and was staying with you because despite this, he didn't want to give up the house and would be jealous if you met someone who really loved you?

category12 · 19/12/2020 19:26

The thing is, the problems with your fiance may be tolerable now, before kids. After kids, they will not be.

  • the thing with his mum and the risk - that'll be major
  • him not liking being around you when you're ill or upset - if you have a rough pregnancy, if you have miscarriages, if you have PND or a child with SN, hell, even even if you have a normal straightforward pregnancy and birth where you're knackered and hormonal - this will be horrific. You need someone who stands by you when things are shit.
  • him being all my way or the highway, when raising kids - disaster.

You're putting material comfort and habit ahead of some serious issues here.

Eckhart · 19/12/2020 19:28

In terms of the other guy just wanting to get his leg over, I've thought the same and even told him that. I truly don't think that's the case though

Why did you raise it with him if you didn't think it was the case?

'You're just tying to get your leg over' isn't something you'd say to a sweet, loving, genuine guy, so you must suspect it's true. Perhaps you don't want to believe it.

Original poster
threeguineapigs · 19/12/2020 19:33

Why did you raise it with him if you didn't think it was the case?

When we first starting chatting, I thought it and I raised it. We were kind of joking about. Getting to know him better now, I don't think it's like that.

OP posts:
Andi2020 · 19/12/2020 19:33

New always sounds more exciting and it is for a while.
Which man is your heart with

ohwhatamiserableyear · 19/12/2020 19:38

I'd not marry anyone for any of the negative reasons you listed, regardless of someone else turning your head.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/12/2020 19:39

I agree that neither of these guys is right for you. It will be easier to split with your fiancé now rather than when you are married with kids. But you need to take time on your own after ending a long term relationship. Best wishes.

Remember short term pain for long term gain

Victoriasponge2 · 19/12/2020 19:39

How long have you and this other guy been back in contact.

Sssloou · 19/12/2020 19:40

He’s really a v emotionally avoidant and dismissive character - not capable of emotional empathy and support so withdraws from you. He is also v emotionally rigid with respect to the issues and entrenched loyalty and prioritisation of his mother over his chosen life partner. This is someone who is emotionally inadequate and unevolved - stuck somewhere as an adolescent.

He will not be a cooperative, helpful co-parent with you. Your motherhood will be lonely, miserable and in conflict when he emotionally and physically abandons you. And as for putting children at risk - that’s info you have and is v irresponsible.

Original poster
threeguineapigs · 19/12/2020 19:42

Thank you @Rainbowqueeen

And @category12 when you said You're putting material comfort and habit ahead of some serious issues here. I think you hit the nail on the head sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
threeguineapigs · 19/12/2020 19:44

@Victoriasponge2 only about 6 weeks

OP posts:
category12 · 19/12/2020 19:44

@threeguineapigs

Thank you *@Rainbowqueeen*

And @category12 when you said You're putting material comfort and habit ahead of some serious issues here. I think you hit the nail on the head sadly.

I strongly advise you not to, if you want children. Pick a guy who is kind, who will be there for you, and who is on your side to be their father.
Sssloou · 19/12/2020 19:46

I don’t think you should fantasise and jump into a RS with this other guy. However I do think he has served his purpose to date in showing you that there are opportunities for other relationships out there.

Why did you split for 2 years - what did you both do in this time and how had you both changed in that time.

Original poster
threeguineapigs · 19/12/2020 19:50

@Sssloou The split happened before any of the above issues came to surface. We weren't living together either. He split with me because he wasn't happy. We remained friends and we got back together because we missed each other and had learned to appreciate what we had.

OP posts:
SnackySnack · 19/12/2020 20:03

Sweet patient and caring? But he leaves you when you need him? Yeah time to call it a day with mommy's boy