Am I being silly here?

[threeguineapigs]

Looking for any helpful advice or insights please.

I got engaged to my partner 4 months ago. We were together for 2 years, split for 2 and we have been back together for almost 5 years. In the 2 years we were apart I didn't get over him. When we got back together it felt like all my dreams came true. We now have a lovely house which we have just finished doing up, we have pets who are our babies and a relatively comfortable life. He is sweet, patient and caring.

The negatives.

• His mum comes first and he has specifically told me this in the past. When questioned now, he denies it and says we are both equally his priority. Deep down I know if push came to shove that wouldn't be the case. Of course his mum should be important, but there is a very sensitive issue on his side of the family which I don't want to go into, and the fact that he puts her wants first on this issue could turn out to be dangerous for any children we might have.
• There is no compromise on big disagreements - he suggests splitting up rather than changing his ways or mind.
• We have stopped making time for each other. He loves to play on his ps3 and I feel he prefers this over spending time with me, which has been hurtful. I got really upset about this recently and I feel like he has tried to make more of an effort since, but I now feel like I've gone past it and actually like being on my own.
• I recently did something to my back and was in agony for weeks. He chose this time to work away for 2 weeks rather than support me at home because, in his words, he doesn't like being around me when I'm unhappy.

Anyway, many years ago when I was 16 I met a guy at work. We wanted to date but my parents wouldn't let me because he was too old for me (7 years older). We saw eachother in secret for a couple of months but of course that couldn't last. My parents found out and went ballistic. They never met him but they hated him - I guess they were a bit overprotective. I never forgot about him though. Well this guy has recently come back into my life as we work for the same company (not in the same place though). We talked and then messaged, and it has kind of escalated and we've become really close. We talk all the time. He said he is over the moon that I'm back in his life, he wishes the situation was different because he would love to take me out. He said he has always thought about me too. He really seems to understand me in a way that even my partner doesn't. We have so much in common, laugh about the same things. I met with him, only for an hour, and it was so so good. Nothing happened physically but there is a big attraction there. We have a really strong connection which I'm struggling to let go of. I know he feels the same.

He works full time but in a low paid job and rents a flat which really badly needs work but he can't even save a deposit to move. I know these are material things but should they matter when that side of my life is so good where I am?

Would I be mad to even consider switching the life I have to one with him? The thought of leaving my partner and home is really tough, I don't know if I could do it. But since we got engaged I have been worrying, deep down, that it's not right, considering what I have explained above.

Please be kind. I have no one else to talk to and this is eating me up inside. Thank you if you have got this far.

I’m concerned about a man who would be interested in a 16 year old. I personally feel that the age gap there is too big when at the lower end of the scale. A 16 year old and 23 year old should really have little in common and I would be wary of a man who pursued that. People change but unless he’s owned up to the fact that he was wrong (IMO) and addressed that, then I’d be concerned.
I think you know your current relationship isn’t right but only you can decide whether you stay or not.

Only you can make the call but it sounds like your in a similar position to myself. Don't get married and have children, it will end in tears. My OH has moved out leaving me with 2 kids and the house to run. When he was home we never did things together, he spent all his time in his office playing games and everything was my fault. When I had covid and was stuck home alone with our 2 young girls he decided it was best for himself to not come home and look after the children.

@Itsybitsydooda I'm so sorry you're going through a terrible time

Imagine getting married to your dp. At the in sickness and in health bit he would be lying wouldn't he? Could you believe the other bits of the vows?

What is the hurry? Be aware of your doubts and uncertainties and observe them. Stop texting or meeting this other guy. It is clouding your judgment and leading you to find fault with your boyfriend more frequently (it sounds as if your relationship doubts coincide very closely to the time this old flame re entered your life).

When you have truly made the decision then you wont feel conflicted. You will feel clarity. Dont risk making a bad decision by forcing it or acting hastily.

You don't want a new relationship to begin like this. So cut it off with the old flame. That will give you clarity which will help you make the right decision for you more clearly and quickly.

You sound like you have so little confidence all the men you get with are just recycled from the past? Why cant you be alone?

TBH you set this story up quite manipulatively: emphasising all your partners bad points to smooth over the jarring reality which is youre having an emotional affair. I think if the genders were reversed here you would be slaughtered.

@GoldfishParade Yeah I guess you're right. I didn't do it to manipulate though. Those negative points are the reasons I'm worrying and I wanted opinions on whether I'm being too picky. I could have listed all the great things too but I don't need opinions on those and I wanted to keep the post as concise as I could.

Who do you think sets the rules about how picky you should be? (Hint: it's you)

Validate your own feelings. If you feel you don't want to be with someone for a niggly tiny reason that everybody tells you is nothing, you still don't want to be with them. And that's all that matters.

Same goes for 'Am I too sensitive', and the title of your thread 'Am I just being silly'.

You make your own boundaries. You make your own rules. In order to be your partner, those boundaries and rules need to be respected. It's that simple.

@threeguineapigs

Why did you raise it with him if you didn't think it was the case?

When we first starting chatting, I thought it and I raised it. We were kind of joking about. Getting to know him better now, I don't think it's like that.

That's a red flag. Listen to your first instincts about someone. Anybody can talk nice when they want something. Even people who just want to get their leg over.

@RelapsedChocoholic

The current guy is unable to compromise, puts his mother ahead of you, and abandons you when you need him.

The ‘new’ guy dated a 16 year old when he was 23 (your parents were not being ‘over protective’ btw), and currently has a low paid job, and lives in a rented flat that needs work.

Neither of these men are deserving of you or your time. IMO you would be mad to continue with either of them.

This. Your partner is awful but please don't start a relationship with a man who preyed on you when you were a naive teenage girl. Your parents were NOT being over-protective, they were doing their job and you should be thankful to them for that.

Both of these men sound awful. Your OH is selfish and doesn’t put you first, and the other man preyed on you when you were a teenager.

I would break up with your OH but do not pursue a relationship with the other guy. You deserve better than either of these sorry excuses.

Your parents were literally parenting their 16 year old child, not being over protective. A 23 year old man interested in a 16 year old girl is IMO more likely than not to be predatory and / or emotionally immature to the point it's concerning.

Agree with a PP you are being manipulative, you're having an emotional affair and did a bit of a character assassination on your current partner to minimise people having a go about it.

I'm not saying he didn't deserve the character assassination (he sounds like an uncaring dick) but it is indicative of you being immature and a bit manipulative that you change the narrative throughout - eg when someone made out you were naive and he just wants to shag you, you said you did ask him about just trying to get his leg over to show that poster you aren't naive, but when someone then said you must think that's possible if you asked him, you said it was in a jokey way not serious.

It all sounds like a big drama waiting to happen and I wonder if part of this is you craving drama / excitement etc. You're sort of creating a situation where you have two suitors when in reality one is definitely a prick and the other might be and best case scenario pursued a 16 year old as an adult and is now pursuing someone in a relationship...

You need to break up, be single for a while and only start dating when you feel able to meet new people without relying on those you already know / have an established connection with. I know that's tempting to do as it feels safer but it stops you growing as a person.

The fact you are even considering leaving tells me everything I need to know about your relationship.