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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP

49 replies

helpinamuddle · 23/10/2007 15:03

Having serious trouble with DH. he is very controlling and bullying and I have had enough. Is there anyone on here that can give me some very basic legal advice. DH and I own our house (no mortgage and in joint names) and also another property. We also have some savings.

Most important we have a young DS.

I really want to leave my DH - cannot take anymore. DH says he will sell the house from under me and take my DS (no way!!).

I am so upset. I go to work while DH stays at home to look after DS (DH does work on days I have off - but I work more hours). Would this mean he would get custody?

What shall I do? I have fallen out with my mum and sister (because of DH) and have no-one to talk to. Please someone help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpinamuddle · 23/10/2007 15:37

Please help

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 23/10/2007 15:38

I am at work so this will be short (sorry) but wanted to answer you

you need legal advice.

make an appointment to see a solicitor who specialises in family law.

If your H has ben physically violent contact the police.

You will not be left with nothing and he cannot 'take' your ds, though you may hve to (at worst) share custody

HTh

Original poster
helpinamuddle · 23/10/2007 15:40

Thank you. Need to see Solicitor - think that would be best. Just so upset at the moment - don't know if I can actually 'talk' to anyone about it.

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 23/10/2007 15:41

You need to talk to a solicitor (secretly).

Elizabetth · 23/10/2007 15:43

If you do go to see a solicitor, write it all down before you go. That really helps to get your thoughts in order before the interview and you'll have notes you can refer to (I had to do the same about another type of issue).

lemonstartree · 23/10/2007 15:43

write down what you want to ask/need to know - it helps when you get in there ! Soicitors are used to delaing with people at this most emotional of times - find one you feel comfortable with.

If you have fallen out with your family over your h, might there be a possibility of a reconciliation with them if he is gone ??

Megglevampire · 23/10/2007 15:44

HIAM.

Wpuld it be worth telling your mum and sister what's going on. You fell out because of you h and maybe if they know what's happening they may be able to offer you some help and support.

Original poster
helpinamuddle · 23/10/2007 15:45

Can definitely reconcile with my family if DH out of the picture. cannot believe this is happening.

OP posts:
karen999 · 23/10/2007 15:47

You are entitled to a share of any property/assets you both have, usually this is 50/50...he cannot sell the house from under you as you both own the house.

Like the last post said, seek a lawyer who speciallses in Family Law...I take it you live in England (only asking as I am in Scotland)but I am pretty sure that the law is basically the same....as for custody then this is an issue that you will have to sort, if you can between yourselves, if not perhaps through mediation...last resort through the courts. Just becasue DH works less hours is not an indicator as to who would get custody....the court adopt the 'welfare principle' which basically means that they do the best for the child....

Have you thought of counselling or is your relationship too far gone? Only ask as I was in this situation four years ago but by the time I had decided to leave it was too late for couselling..

Original poster
helpinamuddle · 24/10/2007 09:38

Gone much too far for reconciliation. Afraid I have got to the point where I don't care anymore. Just my DS I want to do right by.

May go and have a look at a property just around the corner, to give me an idea of what I can afford.

Really do think this is the end.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 24/10/2007 09:58

got nothing more to add, HIAM but if the propertys are in joint names you will need joint sigs to sell. And def seek legal advice - the child is both of yours, so both should be fair. He sounds bullying and controlling to say he'll take ds away, but he can't actually do this.
Things can only get better!!!!

karen999 · 24/10/2007 10:02

If that is how you feel then you should take positive steps to moving on, perfect example of looking at other houses to see what you can afford. It is also important to seek legal advice. As some others have mentioned it is sometimes worthwhile writing questions etc down.

I know it is a stressful and worrying time, as I did the same thing four years ago, but I felt so much better once I had made the decision to leave. Even though it was hard, for the first time in a long time I felt 'free' - I know this sounds weird but it is honestly how I felt.

Please try not to worry, it does get easier and there is no point being in a relationship that makes you miserable. x

Original poster
helpinamuddle · 24/10/2007 16:58

DOne it. Got an appointment to see a Solicitor Friday morning and I also emailed my mum. It was really great to hear from her and have her support.

Will keep you posted if that is ok - you really helped.

THANK YOU

OP posts:
karen999 · 24/10/2007 17:15

Good for you.....good luck. x

jussy1 · 24/10/2007 17:55

Hi there,
just saw your post while you are there in the same house box clever honey i wish i did if he is bullying and controlling then use all you can i was with one of those who hit my baby at 5 and 11 months cant prove it and was scared and didnt know what to do, now he is taking me to court for joint custody and its going to be hell if he gets it.
Look after yourself i fell out with my mum at the time but your mind isnt your own right now. i really hope it all works out for you.

mummyfixit · 19/11/2007 14:18

Hi (I was originally posting as helpinamuddle).

I have seen a Solicitor who tells me that I am entitled to at least half of everything, which would enable me to buy a house.

However, I want to go and live with my DS nearer to my mum and sister (we have made up now). They live 100 miles away from me at the moment. Is there anything my DH can do to stop me doing this.

At the moment I do own a property (office accommodation) near my mum and my DH is there every week for a couple of days so he could easily see our DS whilst he was there.

I did not ask the Solicitor about this and wondered if there is anybody who could help me please.

Thanks

mummyfixit · 19/11/2007 14:49

is there anybody there. DH has found out I have been speaking to my mum (DH does not want me talking to her or most of my family - he says they are evil!!!) and there will be hell to play when I get home from work. Just want to know that if I go to stay with my mum DH cannot stop me taking DS.

pageturner · 19/11/2007 15:12

Sorry, can't help, but a bump for you. FWIW, I don't think he can stop you taking DS, but someone with better advice may be along soon.

mummyfixit · 19/11/2007 15:17

Thank you

tissy · 19/11/2007 15:42

mummyfixit, if there is any reason to think that he will be violent when he gets home, take ds and go to your Mum's now!

Apart from not liking your family, does he have a reason to think that ds will come to harm there?

mummyfixit · 19/11/2007 15:45

There is absolutely no reason that my DS will come to harm with any member of my family. I think DS is losing it a bit. He also has grown up children from another marriage who is also says are evil!!

I am very worried about going home. I do actually have a bag packed ready to do a runner if I need to.

I do not know why I am hesitant to go. Do not love DH any more, have no respect for him whatsoever.

captainmummy · 19/11/2007 20:09

Hi Mumyfixit - I don't think that he can stop you taking DS: it's up to the courts where ds will live. They will sort out custodyand access for you both. No-one can tell you where to live, so long as you don't restrict court-allocated access. It's a typical thing for a bully to say - that he will take ds, they know that it's the one thing guaranteed to make you do as you are told!
Did you go home? Is there anything to keep you there? It sounds like dh has been trying to stop you contacting your family so as to get you 'on your own' - it's a well-known trick to make you feel isolated and dependant on him.

mummyfixit · 20/11/2007 11:17

I am just so sad and upset. it really helps discussing matters with people on here. Just want to say thank you to you all.

I did go home. DH was really nice, and I mean really nice. He cooked my tea, washed up, this morning he gave me a lift to work - first time ever.

I am so confused. Really do not want to stay with him. He certainly does not like it when I speak to my family and always demands to know every part of the conversation.

Nothing to keep me at home. Just makes me miserable being there.

captainmummy · 20/11/2007 17:23

Sounds like you've called him on it - he has realised that you have a mind of your own!

wabbit · 20/11/2007 17:51

mummyfixit - perhaps now would be a good time to really talk to your dh about his behaviour... and how it has made you fall out of love with him.

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