HELP

[helpinamuddle]

Having serious trouble with DH. he is very controlling and bullying and I have had enough. Is there anyone on here that can give me some very basic legal advice. DH and I own our house (no mortgage and in joint names) and also another property. We also have some savings.

Most important we have a young DS.

I really want to leave my DH - cannot take anymore. DH says he will sell the house from under me and take my DS (no way!!).

I am so upset. I go to work while DH stays at home to look after DS (DH does work on days I have off - but I work more hours). Would this mean he would get custody?

What shall I do? I have fallen out with my mum and sister (because of DH) and have no-one to talk to. Please someone help me.

Well done on taking steps forward. Why does he see people as 'evil'? Is it because they stand up to him or cos he genuinely see them as 'evil', either way, do you want your child to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour and isolating you from your family? Please get legal advice, I think Gingerbread is the organisation for one-parent families. NB. Saying "there will be hell to pay" would scare me s*less. Make notes and keep them perhaps out of the house so that if this man is abusive, you have evidence. This statement could be an expression of intent of violence. I'm not trying to scare you, but please be aware that this man sounds manipulative and will try to manipulate you. Don't let him. It won't be easy but you will laying the foundation for a good life in the future for you and your son. Lots of luck and hugs.

Lovelymum - thank you.

I don't know why he sees people as evil, especially his own children. I think it is because they stand up to him and he doesn't like it when I voice my own opinion. I want my son to grow up in a 'normal' loving family, not one where people are stating (in front of DS) that his nan or aunty are evil - that is very wrong.

GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. (Sorry, now i sound bossy!) He is controlling and as you say, you want your son to grow up in a 'normal' loving family. It sounds like he doesn't want to change and so he won't - not without a damn good reason to. It sounds like you want to go, so do it, for both your sake and DS's. If you are not motivated enough to go, think about the effect this man will have on you - not liking it when you voice your own opinion. What does he do when you stand up to him?

Hi Lovelymum

If I do try and stand up to him he just talks over me so I do not get a chance to speak. It's very frustrating.

DS (only 3) keeps asking me if I am all right. I have actually packed a bag for me and DS and am ready to go.

Will let you know how things get on. Really helps to keep in touch on here.

Hi again. Just realised this is his second marriage. Do you know why the first one ended? Also, make sure you know where all the legal papers are (house deeds, etc), and maybe photocopy them so you have a copy if he takes the originals. Sorry if I sound paranoid but you need to look out for yourself - no more Mrs Nice Mummyfixit!

Hello. Lovely to finally 'talk' to you. Sorry its under these circumstances. He sounds very bossy. You have packed the bag so go! I would try to tell him why you are going and what you would like to happen: counselling to try to stay together or divorce. Firstly though, call Relate to get some advice on what to say. Maybe when he sees you mean business he will soften up a bit and agree to counselling. Would assertiveness training help you at all? Maybe you were quiet when you first me and now you are a bit louder, he doesn't like it. Anyway, your son has picked up on it - what are you telling him - does he copy his father?

Hi

This is actually his third relationship. First one he said his wife went barmy (not surprised living with him). Second one partner ran off with the postman.

House deeds are in joint names. I have experience of the law (conveyancing) and he cannot sell the house etc without my consent. I do actually want the house sold as I want to move back to nearer my mum and sister.

DH(?) also has daughter living around the corner from my mum and also a flat in the same town so it really would make sense to move. Only thing stopping me is that DS has his name down for a private school. I have checked the Ofsted Report for the local school where I want to live and it is very good.

I am seeing mum at the weekend so I can have a good chat with her and make sure she is ok (which I know she is but want to talk to her) with me and DS staying with her until things are sorted out.

This is classic abusive behavior - to alienate you from your family and friends.

Please leave. You deserve better and so does your DS.

Hi. Sounds like you are a professional woman with a good brain. (I also worked in conveyancing as a secretary - just did typing though - no legal work). Seems that you have thought things through and have a way forward. Well done. I hope my postings have helped you. (I only got married in February!).

Hi

I was a legal secretary for years and then started training to be a Legal Executive. I part qualified but then stopped as I found it too much with DS when he was a baby. You never know perhaps I could start up again.

Many congratulations on your wedding lovelymum and many thanks for your help.

Glad to be of assistance. It sounds like you have a prospective career if you can organise childcare, so you would have money coming in independent of your husband. Keep going with ILEX and use that brain!! It seems like you have outgrown him. If you are growing and he is stagnant, maybe sadly it is time for a parting of the ways.

Remember me. I left my husband on the 10th December. Just got on a train with DS and went to my sisters.

Husband had contact with DS (this was the first contact to stay over since I had left on the 10th) on 22/12/2007 and was due to return him on Christmas eve. He did not return him and says he will not bring him back. DS has not had his presents from me. I am, as you can imagine, very upset. I need advice please. I am going to try to talk to a solicitor tomorrow. Husband says he will fight for custody. So, so upset. Totally at a loss to know what will do. Cannot lost my son. What shall I do? Please help me.

Bumping for you, mumyfixit. Stay strong

xx

you can only go to the solicitor etc as there was no contact arrangement in place etc I'm not sure the police would get involved but it would be worth ringing them and asking for their help.

How awful for you. Phone the police and tomorrow see your solicitor again for advice.

I did ring the Police. They were very kind but nothing they could do. I will see solicitor tomorrow. Just feel so lost without my DS.

mummyfixit - this must be awful for you. Have you actually spoken to your DS?

Why dont you start a new thread as you may get more posts & help - some people might assume this is an old post (judging by the date you started it) & not read it.

Go and grab him back. If there is a bit of rumpus, so what, your son will forget, and he will be in a less agressive atmosphere.

Mummyfixit - there was a mum on here who had a similar experience last year and did get her son back. There is a very detailed thread on this forum somewhere, I will see if I can find it as there may be some useful advice on what to do. But you need to get hold of a good solicitor ASAP.

I remember the other thread too it did all work out in the end, please try not to worry and take it all one step at a time.

Thank you - I have started a separate thread for this now.

I can't find the thread - I think it was called 'won't bring him back' and I am pretty sure the poster has been around recently but I can't remember her new name - can anyone alert her.

RosaLuxMundi - I have tried searching for the thread but no luck. I would like to talk to this lady if there is anyone who can get in contact with her.

Many thanks

It was Twinkie - though she was posting under another name then. I've tried to find the thread but i think she had lots of posts deleted because she thought her ex-h had discovered her on Mumsnet. YOu could try CATing her, or maybe anorak or essbee will see this as I think they have her e-mail.

She is now happily married to her new dh, they have a son, and whilst she did lose custody of her dd for a while, she was grantd weekend access fairly immediately, and once teh case went to court was given full custody