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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn ruining my life

30 replies

Amitoosensitive · 19/12/2020 17:27

Hey,

So I posted a thread around the start of last month about my boyfriend watching porn. To summarise: it had turned out that he had been watching porn in the bathroom whilst “showering” and our sex life had diminished due to that. I have endometriosis so I was led to believe that due to pain/bleeding he was doing this because he was too scared to instigate sex. We had a good talk and I told him I didn’t care what he was doing whilst I was out but I found it disrespectful he was watching it whilst I was in the next room especially when I wanted to have sex. I told him I didn’t think our relationship would survive if he was lying about this again.

Fast forward through the second lockdown and all is well and good. Our sex life is booming, had one issue of bleeding but so far so good. Although I had noticed it was mainly me instigating the sex. He started making a point of leaving his phone next to me whilst he showered (not that I asked him to) and I thought things were going fine.

Anyway I went back to work a few days before him so I presumed at some point he would be probably watching porn as he’d been with me for a month straight and would be glad of some time alone! However, one day after me going back to work he developed issues maintaining an erection. We are mid twenties so really this shouldn’t be an issue. He rang the doctor who said it was probably nerves after us trying once and him being embarrassed so made an appointment for next week to see if it has continued. We have managed to successfully have sex once in the last three weeks without him going soft.

I made a joke of it being due to porn other night and he swore down on my life he hadn’t (??) and I told him not to ruin everything by lying to me. So it all came out. Now that our waking patterns are slightly different (he gets up two hours before me) he has been watching porn in the bathroom in the morning. We checked his history and the first day that I had left for work he watched porn as soon as I left. He finally admitted he has an issue and is going to talk to the doctor about it when he rings next week and hopefully get some therapy.

I just don’t know what to do now. I really didn’t expect this and I thought we were fine. I can’t get over the lying, I’m so hurt. We’ve set up parental controls on the WiFi and his phone but I don’t want to be living like this and I don’t want him to resent me and to seem controlling. I’ve been reading up on addiction and I know it’s an illness but I don’t know what to do, has anyone gotten through this?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2020 17:40

I would be moving on. Don't waste time with a man who's got a major issue with porn and ED. I really don't see this getting better. You really want to spend your life constantly worrying about what he's up to and having parental controls for an adult? Nope. Fuck that.

sadie9 · 19/12/2020 21:22

Yes it is an addiction and he can get help from an addiction counsellor experienced with sex addictions.

cosmicbabe · 19/12/2020 21:26

You've set up parental controls for a grown man. Wow. Time to move on girl.

snookercue · 19/12/2020 21:27

Porn isn't ruining your life. He is. LTB.

Horehound · 19/12/2020 21:28

Leave him

Febo24 · 19/12/2020 21:37

Sadly, it's ruined my life too. I caught my husband interacting with webcams in the summer, which then uncovered his addiction. It's pretty deep rooted.

It's been a very full on 6 months dealing with the fall out, but unfortunately after 3 months I gave up trying to fix things. He couldn't take responsibility, which translated into him not really making any effort to fix things etc.

At the beginning though, I was all for trying to work on it. Had he shown some enthusiasm then maybe I'd still be with him.

What helped me massively was getting a therapist/counsellor who works in this area, she works with addicts ss well as partners so really comes from a place of understanding. Now that he's lost everything, he's finally engaged with them too and is getting help. Check out Paula Hall, there is a book for partners which is really helpful, and it doesn't assume you'll stay but it is still so important you take the time to understand what's happened so that you can heal from it to.

I honestly have run the gamut of feelings, I was numb for ages, then proactive and enthusiastic, then depressed. It's been exhausting.

The first piece of advice is always, look after yourself. Let him take responsibility for himself. My XH did counselling for my benefit, not his, and it massively showed.

Original poster
Amitoosensitive · 19/12/2020 21:43

It’s so hard because aside from this he is perfect. He’s hard working and helpful around the house, we have hobbies we do together, he shows me he cares about me and we never argue. We only moved in together six months ago so I guess he’s always had this problem just hid it well. I do love him and he’s supported me with my own health issues and I’d like to be able to support him. However I can’t get my head around the lying, he saw how much this upset me last time and how much I felt disrespected and he knew that and he still did it the first chance he got anyway.

I’m trying everything I can, I’ve asked if he wants to try new things in the bedroom (surprisingly I am very experimental and he is quite vanilla so I’ve had to tone down that side of me) and I honestly thought he got it but clearly not. I’m not unattractive and I get lots of make attention so I’m not sure why he chooses porn when I’m right here.

I’m glad he’s admitted it’s a problem and I’m hoping that the doctor takes it seriously and is able to refer him for help but I don’t know how I can heal myself from that and be able to trust him.

OP posts:
guga · 19/12/2020 21:53

Aside from this he's perfect? Really? I think you're massively underestimating how much this relationship and his pathetic issue will affect you.

Get out now while you can and while you're still young. I can't believe you're in your twenties and he's having erection problems. It's so depressing and a miserable way to live with someone addicted to porn. You've got years ahead of you so why waste it?

DeeCeeCherry · 19/12/2020 22:00

I know a guy who had a heavy porn addiction that ruined his relationships. He was resolved to change so he went for counselling and also read a book on it, which helped him. But he actively wanted to change. If you do want to stay with your DP then you could give him a chance just for now and see if he goes through with the counselling etc. If he doesn't though, then it really is time to leave. You need to see that he's aiming to change, and not just pretending either.

2bazookas · 19/12/2020 22:12

he's going to see his GP , so is obviously concerned; and he is (sometimes) admitting the porn problem to you.I reckon a man of his age who can't keep it up for real sex feels pretty desperate about his future. If he was addicted to alcohol, then reaching the point of admitting the problem and seeking help, is a major step forward. This is positive. Don't write him off yet.

I'd give it a bit of time, see what the GP suggests and if DH seems really determined to change.

MuckyPlucky · 19/12/2020 22:17

Interesting that you mention you’re very experimental and he’s quite vanilla during sex, and you’ve had to tone down this experimental side? It sounds like perhaps he has sexual intimacy/sexual confidence issues & has separated-out the vanilla/loving/coupley sex he has with you from the ‘porn sex’ he enjoys whilst alone? I wonder if he struggles to equate his real life partner with someone who he can be truly sexual/adventurous with for some reason, and uses porn as an outlet for that? Basically the Madonna/whore complex?

I might be wrong, apologies if I am, but it sounds like the situation I had with my exDH.

MuckyPlucky · 19/12/2020 22:20

Forgot to also say: there’s a double standard there if you feel you’ve had to ‘tone down’ who you are sexually for his benefit, and yet he continues to get his thrills from porn despite you having expressed discomfort at this. Seems like you’re the one making the sexual sacrifices whilst he gets to make vanilla love with you (not what you want) and also filling his boots with porn sex on the side.

Febo24 · 19/12/2020 22:23

@DeeCeeCherry I agree about giving it some time. MN Is very LTB heavy but I think it's important to have some space to think it over, even if the only choice is to leave.

@Amitoosensitive this isn't about sex. The addiction is about absenting himself from his emotions, it happens to be porn. You are not responsible for this, no matter what. And no amount of xrated sex would change this sadly.

The issue with porn addiction (Or one of) is how isolating it is for partners. It's not easy to discuss, it's embarrassing, you run the risk of people/him/yourself minimising (the 'its just a bit of porn brigade') but it's complex and it reaches into every part of your life: your sexuality as you've said you're already questioning if you're enough and trying to do more, to complete. There is the lies and the massive betrayal, can you trust him again, what would it take to get past this. There's a shame associated with it.

snookercue · 19/12/2020 22:26

It’s so hard because aside from this he is perfect.

This sentence genuinely makes no sense.

babbaloushka · 19/12/2020 22:28

Oh OP I could've written this post. My DP could never finish and would sneak into the bathroom during the night (while I was sleeping) to watch porn. Broke my heart, ruined my self esteem, lost all trust. Slowly, through counselling on both sides, he managed his addiction and now our sex life is great, and I'm learning to trust him again. My tip would be to always trust your gut if you think he might be lying (mine used to pretend he couldn't finish because he was 'overthinking it').

babbaloushka · 19/12/2020 22:30

Also- get him to identify his triggers (obviously apart from being horny). My DP used to feel the need to do it when he was down/anxious before getting a depression diagnosis, as the rush of Dopamine (?) made him feel momentarily better, and he became addicted to the release.

Original poster
Amitoosensitive · 19/12/2020 23:52

I don’t understand why my sentence makes no sense? Two months ago before I found out about this if he’d have turned around and went “hey let’s fuck everything off and go to the registry office and get married” I would have said yes in a heart beat. We literally have no other and have had no other problems. I have never been in a relationship less problematic than this, all of our problems have arose in the last six weeks and it’s completely knocked me for six because I just wasn’t expecting it at all.

As soon as the issue arose with his ED he panicked and made his doctors appointment without me even saying anything so I guess he’s worried about that. I think it’ll wait to see what the doctor says and try to take it from there. He needs to get better for himself and I need to figure out if I can get over the hurt and the lies.

OP posts:
Rocaille · 20/12/2020 00:16

Why not just get rid of him? He's a weak-willed liar with a (self-inflicted) broken cock. What good can come of keeping him around?

EarthSight · 20/12/2020 00:26

Does he do his equal share or is he helpful around the house? Remember, what you need is a man with initiative, not someone who expects you to be manager and simply does what he's told when he's asked to. That might sound appealing now, but give it 10 years after kids and you'll be mentally exhausted having to ask him to 'help' you do everything, even if you are also working a full time job.

I don't know him obviously, but it sounds to me like he simply needs to stop watching it. I think it's really sad if he can't even masturbate without it.

EarthSight · 20/12/2020 00:28

[quote Febo24]@DeeCeeCherry I agree about giving it some time. MN Is very LTB heavy but I think it's important to have some space to think it over, even if the only choice is to leave.

@Amitoosensitive this isn't about sex. The addiction is about absenting himself from his emotions, it happens to be porn. You are not responsible for this, no matter what. And no amount of xrated sex would change this sadly.

The issue with porn addiction (Or one of) is how isolating it is for partners. It's not easy to discuss, it's embarrassing, you run the risk of people/him/yourself minimising (the 'its just a bit of porn brigade') but it's complex and it reaches into every part of your life: your sexuality as you've said you're already questioning if you're enough and trying to do more, to complete. There is the lies and the massive betrayal, can you trust him again, what would it take to get past this. There's a shame associated with it.[/quote]
What is LBT? What are these secret codes on Mumsnet?

YouJustDoYou · 20/12/2020 00:31

He'll never change. Porn will always mean more to him. I'd cut my losses now, tbh.

fantasmasgoria1 · 20/12/2020 00:44

I had two exes that were addicted to porn. My self esteem and confidence were virtually zero and I developed an eating disorder because I foolishly thought the thinner I was the more desirable I would be and the porn would stop. But I became ill and it did not stop. It did not matter what we discussed, what I said or did it never stopped. When my Fiance and I got together I said to him casually oh most men watch porn I heard and he said I don't especially not when in a relationship. I said really you are kidding and he said no I really don't. And after four years together he never has. A few weeks after the discussion I told him about my exes porn addiction and he was quite shocked! But it is your decision. Can you still trust him or will you have doubts? Will he engage with any therapy etc? Only you can decide.

BaskingMad · 20/12/2020 00:45

@Amitoosensitive, this is dead end for your relationship. I had the same issue and advice to leave i got on here many years ago turned out to be true. There is no solving it. He has an addiction.
You are in your 20s- leave now and have a happy life with someone else. Because otherwise you will be leaving him at 40 with 2 kids. Choice is yours, it doesnt get better.

Febo24 · 20/12/2020 08:27

@BaskingMad - that's me! 42, 2 kids, porn addled partner.

@Amitoosensitive I made a discovery about 2 years in to our relationship. I was assured it was finished with, but alas 11 years, 2 kids and a marraige later it's not gone away and gotten worse. Granted, I was oblivious to things like porn addiction at the time.

MondayYogurt · 20/12/2020 08:35

He hid it for 6 months. What else can/does he hide? Maybe he's acting like a good partner because he wants to compensate for his ED.

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