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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Are all men like this?

66 replies

Candykanes · 17/12/2020 21:29

today i had an appointment at hospital meaning I wasn’t able to collect dc from school..
Oh said he couldn’t leave work early so i paid for them to go to asc.
I arrived home from my appointment early at 3pm so decided to have a rest & a coffee since dc where going to club.
5 minutes later oh walks in said he finished early as not much going on in work.
He didn’t ask about my appointment (ive been worried sick over it) took himself upstairs because he was cold as the heathad been off all day. He stayed upstairs until 5.30 gaming.
Didn’t offer to collect dc,
So i left to collect them at 4.30 came home made tea, packed lunches done dishes baths & bed..
Oh came down at 5.30 sat on his phone then left to go to the gym at 6.30 without much interaction
Grr why r they so selfish

OP posts:

Shortfeet · 18/12/2020 10:14

LiJo2015 · 18/12/2020 10:19

No, my husband would never do this. Your OH sounds selfish and obviously has not risen to the challenge of looking after kids. Talk to him and make it clear what you need and what he needs to do to help with the kids.

QuentinWinters · 18/12/2020 10:25

This is unacceptable op.
Maybe you should suggest counselling and discuss it there so he can't weasel out of it or make you feel guilty?
But tbh I think his lack of concern for you after a stressful medical appointment says more than his attitude towards the kids. The way you describe the whole episode just drips with his disdain and contempt for you. I don't know how his attitude can be changed but if it can't it will grind you down and make you feel worthless. And you really aren't. You deserve a partner who loves and cherishes you, like I bet you do for him.

Fwiw my ex could be like this. For example, having a go at me about being lazy when I was in bed after having the copper coil fitted, when I'd fainted in the GPS cos they pinched a nerve, and was having epic cramping (plus had a 6 month old non sleeping baby(.
He said he loved me but didn't ever act like he did when the chips were down I.e. when supporting me would inconvenience him.

I stayed way too long and lost a lot of my sparkle in the process. New partner would never ever treat me with such a lack of concern. Its made me see just how wrong and unloving that was

It isn't OK and no man/marriage is worth being made to feel like that.

Original poster

Candykanes · 18/12/2020 11:12

@QuentinWinters omg its like you have described him op
So you left even though you had dc?

And my appointment was a cancer scare so it was serious and i had to go alone, to a different hospital i had no idea where it was so i had been worrying since the appointment came

OP posts:

chubbyhotchoc · 18/12/2020 11:15

My dh does some breathtakingly selfish things occasionally BUT i think I'm guilty of taking over things with the children because I don't like the way he does them. I think if there's a history of you doing everything, they get like this. You have to be willing to hand over the reigns to them with the kids from the start. If you haven't been doing that it's probably why he's like this

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 18/12/2020 11:17

Nope, there are plenty of men out there who aren't useless twats. You don't deserve this. Don't think that you "need" to stay for the kids, or for any other reason. Prioritise your own happiness.

thecatsarecrazy · 18/12/2020 11:30

My husband is pretty shit. He works 4 days, gets one off in the week different day each week. I always hope he might actually help with our 3 year old. He doesn't. He's made an office in the shed and he spends all of his free time in there. He had yesterday off but was in the shed in the morning. Eventually went into town alone to do Christmas shopping. I asked what did you buy your mum. Silence was the reply. No because it's always left to me. Then back in the shed he went, appearing again when he was Hungry

QuentinWinters · 18/12/2020 11:32

So you left even though you had dc?
Yes eventually. I still struggle a bit with the guilt but now we aren't together its even easier to see how self centred he is, even with the kids.
I do beat myself up for not realising sooner how badly I was being treated, I think its a combination of it being a slow escalation, so it wasn't like that at first; being unable to reconcile the fact someone who was supposed to love me could be cruel like that, so I went into denial about the cruelty; and being a general loving, trusting person who doesn't hold grudges.
Honestly op I don't think you can change this behaviour. Its so entrenched and it gets him what he wants - you putting him first all the time and not putting him out in any way.
Sorry about the cancer scare. Sounds very stressful. Hope everything is resolved

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/12/2020 11:37

CandyKanes

Like father, like son. Your man is like this and his dad is the self same.
Not all men are indeed selfish and or self serving like your partner is and he likely targeted you also due to sensing your low self worth and lack of good boundaries.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of it otherwise why are you with him at all?. You should not be together, he is basically dragging you down with him.

Burnthurst187 · 18/12/2020 11:39

Have you only ever met one man?

NoGoodPunsLeft · 18/12/2020 11:53

Staying together 'for the kids' is never a good idea, they aren't oblivious if there's an atmosphere at home.

Plus, you are teaching your children that this is what a relationship should be like, would you want your daughter (if you have one, I'm not sure) living like this?

DH went from living at home to with me, his mum did everything for him but he has learnt how to use our washing machine, how to clean a bathroom, how to care for a baby (then older child as she's growing up) how to cook, all like I had to when I lived on my own & had DD.

Occasionally I remind him if something needs doing, usually we have a quick chat to decide who's doing what.

Of your OH wanted to be involved he would be.

Mittens030869 · 18/12/2020 12:00

No, all men are not like this at all. My DH certainly isn't, and neither are my BILs, or the husbands of most of my friends. I do know of men who are like yours, though.

Feminem · 18/12/2020 17:57

I do agree @Isitsixoclockalready but clearly he doesn't/isn't so I thought a nudge might help. Better than not trying to improve things given the circumstances - kids etc. Sometimes, as OP has alluded to, it's their natural/learned behaviour rather than pure malice so he may just need some guidance. She does deserve better though.

zeddybrek · 18/12/2020 22:41

This is really bad, he is taking the piss and doesn't see you as an equal. Are you his cleaner and cook.

LilyWater · 18/12/2020 23:55

In my experience, men show all these selfish traits relatively early on but too many women ignore these signs then go on to have kids with them and those traits invariably get worse. Not all.men are like this but the key is sifting the wheat from the chaff early on otherwise you waste time on types like this while the good men get taken.

sparklefarts · 19/12/2020 07:53

@emmylousings

Even men who aren't really like that and quite enlightened, need to be nudged and kept on track when it comes to kids / domestics. It's boring - it's the way they are brought up partly. We have to try not to let our sons be like that!!

Eh?!?!

Not true.

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