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Original poster

Are all men like this?

66 replies

Candykanes · 17/12/2020 21:29

today i had an appointment at hospital meaning I wasn’t able to collect dc from school..
Oh said he couldn’t leave work early so i paid for them to go to asc.
I arrived home from my appointment early at 3pm so decided to have a rest & a coffee since dc where going to club.
5 minutes later oh walks in said he finished early as not much going on in work.
He didn’t ask about my appointment (ive been worried sick over it) took himself upstairs because he was cold as the heathad been off all day. He stayed upstairs until 5.30 gaming.
Didn’t offer to collect dc,
So i left to collect them at 4.30 came home made tea, packed lunches done dishes baths & bed..
Oh came down at 5.30 sat on his phone then left to go to the gym at 6.30 without much interaction
Grr why r they so selfish

OP posts:
pog100 · 17/12/2020 23:05

You need to do something about it, or your life will just get worse and worse. Even more problematic is that your children, presumably like your before them, are learning that this is "how men are". For God's sake break the chain.

Wanderdust · 17/12/2020 23:05

I don't understand why people put up with this, they're definitely not all like this! Hope your appointment went OK x

Regularsizedrudy · 17/12/2020 23:06

“Even men who aren't really like that and quite enlightened, need to be nudged and kept on track when it comes to kids / domestics. It's boring - it's the way they are brought up partly. We have to try not to let our sons be like that!!”

Oh ffs. They don’t need to be nudged, if an otherwise “enlightened” man can’t be arsed to do the domestics he is CHOOSING to be that way. and it’s not women’s responsibility to somehow manage the behaviour of men.

nimbuscloud · 17/12/2020 23:09

What age are you both? How long have you been in a relationship?

Namechange8471 · 17/12/2020 23:10

Nope he's a dickhead. For context me and dp are both gamers, but always put each other and dc first.

Original poster
Candykanes · 17/12/2020 23:13

@nimbuscloud both mid 30s

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 17/12/2020 23:23

Help me understand something OP, and maybe you might help yourself at the same time.

I've seen a fair few threads just like this. A woman describes some utterly despicable behavior or character trait of her partner and wants to know "if all men are like this". Here's what I don't understand. Why does it matter? For starters, you know fine all men aren't like yours, though I guess you might rephrase the question along the lines of "are the majority of men like this". Again though, why does it matter? If you are living with a selfish, unsupportive prick who is making you miserable why does it matter if his type is 1 in 3, 1 in 10, or 1 in 100?

My personal theory is that you are terrified of change so are just looking for some justification, no matter how illogical, to keep putting up with his shit. Maybe you just have to suffer living with a complete arsehole if arseholes are the norm, is that it? It doesn't make sense though does it? You being miserable doesn't become any more bearable just because lots of other women might be miserable with their partners too.

You deserve better and inside I think you know that, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. Go and get that better life before it's too late.

MsMoppet · 17/12/2020 23:26

@TooTrueToBeGood

Help me understand something OP, and maybe you might help yourself at the same time.

I've seen a fair few threads just like this. A woman describes some utterly despicable behavior or character trait of her partner and wants to know "if all men are like this". Here's what I don't understand. Why does it matter? For starters, you know fine all men aren't like yours, though I guess you might rephrase the question along the lines of "are the majority of men like this". Again though, why does it matter? If you are living with a selfish, unsupportive prick who is making you miserable why does it matter if his type is 1 in 3, 1 in 10, or 1 in 100?

My personal theory is that you are terrified of change so are just looking for some justification, no matter how illogical, to keep putting up with his shit. Maybe you just have to suffer living with a complete arsehole if arseholes are the norm, is that it? It doesn't make sense though does it? You being miserable doesn't become any more bearable just because lots of other women might be miserable with their partners too.

You deserve better and inside I think you know that, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. Go and get that better life before it's too late.

Wow. Amazing post.
tigerbear · 17/12/2020 23:26

@Aquamarine1029 that’s not true at all Hmm

OppsUpsSide · 17/12/2020 23:30

TooTrueToBeGood I hope you dropped the mic when you posted that. Nailed it.

Original poster
Candykanes · 17/12/2020 23:36

Thanks @TooTrueToBeGood i appreciate your comments

OP posts:
SendHelp30 · 17/12/2020 23:37

I couldn’t stay with a man like this. You deserve better.

Mrsmummy90 · 17/12/2020 23:43

@TooTrueToBeGood

Help me understand something OP, and maybe you might help yourself at the same time.

I've seen a fair few threads just like this. A woman describes some utterly despicable behavior or character trait of her partner and wants to know "if all men are like this". Here's what I don't understand. Why does it matter? For starters, you know fine all men aren't like yours, though I guess you might rephrase the question along the lines of "are the majority of men like this". Again though, why does it matter? If you are living with a selfish, unsupportive prick who is making you miserable why does it matter if his type is 1 in 3, 1 in 10, or 1 in 100?

My personal theory is that you are terrified of change so are just looking for some justification, no matter how illogical, to keep putting up with his shit. Maybe you just have to suffer living with a complete arsehole if arseholes are the norm, is that it? It doesn't make sense though does it? You being miserable doesn't become any more bearable just because lots of other women might be miserable with their partners too.

You deserve better and inside I think you know that, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. Go and get that better life before it's too late.

Your post is perfection
lemonsquashie · 18/12/2020 08:00

He needs a stern word.

He could have gone to gym at 3:30 -5pm so he could then be around to help for dinner and bed with kids. I'm gathering that there is an assumption that stuff is your job and not his

Feminem · 18/12/2020 09:01

And is there no middle ground OP? You go from posting about his lazy, selfish, childish behaviour to saying you will leave him! Are you that sure he won't change? Won't work at being a better father and husband?

If the answer is no then you have your answer but I would start (now) with some ground rules, and an ultimatum (in a calm way). Good luck!

Feminem · 18/12/2020 09:09

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514359-no-conversation-with-husband?msgid=102715174

A recent apposite happy ending to this problem.

Original poster
Candykanes · 18/12/2020 09:30

@Feminem
I have done before and he’s tried for a while then goes back like this

OP posts:
LostVoiceInTheCrowd · 18/12/2020 09:40

My son is 22. Since he was 16, he's done more with/for his younger sister than your husband does with/for his own children.

Picked her up from school if I was working, fed her... he still does tbh although she no longer needs a babysitter.

Its the man you're with, not all men.

Feminem · 18/12/2020 09:43
Hmm

Could you give him certain responsibilities that he must do each week? Make his role more formal? Might be a lost cause but perhaps worth a last ditch effort. I think a lot of times we women facilitate their laziness by thinking it's easier to do X ourselves.

Sadly he sounds checked out of your marriage so perhaps a dose of reality - where he is doing everything for himself & having the kids on certain days - may be the kick he needs OP. X

Wanderlusto · 18/12/2020 09:45

Sounds like he has checked out of the relationship. Now he has acquired you to run around after him, he doesnt feel the need to put any work in. He doesn't see partnerships as equal. He just wants someone around to take advantage of.

No, not all men are like this. Kick him to touch or kick him out on his arse.

Isitsixoclockalready · 18/12/2020 09:46

Yes, there are I'm sure plenty of men out there like that - there's enough anecdotal evidence of that on Mumsnet. No, not all men are like that. Unfortunately, twattish behaviour tends to 'make the news' more than men who conduct themselves the right way.

pinkyredrose · 18/12/2020 09:47

Did he want to be a husband and father? Because it doesn't sound like it. I'd consider dumpling this lazy fucker.

Isitsixoclockalready · 18/12/2020 09:53

@Feminem

Hmm

Could you give him certain responsibilities that he must do each week? Make his role more formal? Might be a lost cause but perhaps worth a last ditch effort. I think a lot of times we women facilitate their laziness by thinking it's easier to do X ourselves.

Sadly he sounds checked out of your marriage so perhaps a dose of reality - where he is doing everything for himself & having the kids on certain days - may be the kick he needs OP. X

Personally, I don't see why the OP should even have to allocate responsibilities. A grown man should act like one.
PurrBox · 18/12/2020 09:59

@Pinkpercy

Eurgh I totally get you. I’ve just split up with my selfish arse of a boyfriend. The question shouldn’t be why are they selfish though, it should be : why do we allow it?!
It shouldn't be up to women to allow or disallow selfish behaviour.

People are supposed to take care of managing their own selfishness (after being taught by their parents and by the experience of growing up). In my opinion, people should learn this like they learn how to wipe their own arse.

Original poster
Candykanes · 18/12/2020 10:09

Yes @PurrBox i believe his father is the same
His mother spends most of her life in the kitchen

OP posts:
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