AIBU Cleaner?

[Hushmush]

I work full time, so do my OH. We have two kids and a dog. Life’s full on. We earn a decent wage between us. We moved house a year ago ans it’s quite big so hard to keep on top of. I’ve asked my OH if we can have a cleaner and he’s not up for it because of ‘money.’ He’s always buying clothes, he has a season ticket when life’s normal etc. At the weekend, I clean and wash and iron and clean and I could go on and on...! He likes to have a Sunday roast every week which is fine but I feel like with all the housework I’m doing (he will vacuum once a week and walk the dog every night) I’m exhausted. I need a break but he won’t. The other day we talked as a family about what we liked about each other and he said ‘I like that you clean the house well and keep it together, I like that you make a good Sunday roast, I like that you work hard’ he did say one thing that was nice- that I light up a room. But I feel like his mom. Like i clean and sort and organise and that’s what I’m good for. I listen to the kids read and do their spellings with them and if I ever dare to ask him to do that he huffs and puffs and says he’s busy because he needs to walk the dog most of the time.

@Charleyhorses

Bollocks. Book a cleaner. Find another way to squeeze the money out of him if you pay for it.

Do not do this. Housework isn’t your responsibility.

You shouldn’t have to be Devious to get him to contribute to the running of his home. This is 2020 for gods sake.

@mumsiedarlingrevolta it’s something we’ve always done. I know he wouldn’t do joint finances which is fine by me as I’ve learnt a lot about how to handle my own money. We live life flat mates in that sense. And we don’t have a private life either.

Tell him if he doesn’t want to split the cost of a cleaner then he needs to help you more with the housework/cooking/laundry???
Maybe time to threaten drawing up a rota haha!! That might get him to fork out some money towards one!

Start walking the dog

@Serenschintte about 1/2 of our joint income is to play with, after food, mortgage and bills. We have just under £2000 a month between us (or £900 each). This is very personal and so I’m sorry, but I think it’s important to know when I’m trying to explain that we can afford a cleaner x

@Aerial2020 I do sometimes, it’s just that trying to squeeze everything in that he doesn’t do means that’s one thing I know he’ll do if that makes sense? X

But he's getting time out and exercise while you're home cleaning or whatever household task needs doing.
He's got it made!!!
What a love life. Sunday roast cooked and all cleaning done.

Lovely life!

Why are squeezing in everything he doesn't do?
Don't do them.

How much time does he spend “walking the dog?”
Stop doing anything for him and stop making Sunday roast.

This is madness. You need a cleaner. He likes the Sunday roasts, you say. This week, I would make a big deal about being too tired after all the cleaning to cook a roast on Sunday. Repeat until he agrees to a cleaner.

[quote Hushmush]@MattBerrysHair he’s been bought up in a very traditional home- completely the opposite to mine and so that’s where I think it comes from x[/quote]
So why have you gone along with it if that's not how you were raised? It's outrageous that in this day and age he doesn't do his 50% of the domestic drudgery when you both work full time.

Just book a cleaner and tell him to pay half or he needs to do half of the house work! You work full time give yourself a break!!

This is the kind of thing that leads to resentment and festers until the relationship eventually sours.

What you need to do is reopen the conversation. Say it’s too much work for you and you are unhappy. You either spread the workload between you both and set up a rota or you get outside help with the cleaning/ironing.

He complains that he walks the dog as much as he does. And so I feel quilty that I’m not doing that enough and it feels like I’m sinking sometimes

Sorry - you do a brown mans washing??

Get separate washing baskets. Saves marriages.

Your not his mum or slave and that's what he has listed he likes about you? That you make his life easy and make him food? I would be distraught if my DP said that about me.

Stop doing his washing forever and stop doing roasts until he coughs up for a cleaner.

grown -

I know you’re all right deep down but I know that if I complained to him about it (again) he brushes it off and makes out that he does loads. He’s told me I’m really lucky before now, that many blokes wouldn’t do what he does

@Hushmush

He complains that he walks the dog as much as he does. And so I feel quilty that I’m not doing that enough and it feels like I’m sinking sometimes

Oh easy then. Swap! Give him the cleaning cloths and you take go out. Take a nice long walk. Maybe stop for a coffee. Dont rush. Breathe and de stress

@Hushmush

I know you’re all right deep down but I know that if I complained to him about it (again) he brushes it off and makes out that he does loads. He’s told me I’m really lucky before now, that many blokes wouldn’t do what he does

Bollocks. He's talking bollocks and he knows it. He doesn't want the status quo to change

Of course he wants you to think how lucky you are. If you acknowledge the truth, that you’re married to a sexist, lazy, caveman, well that’s far less convenient for him isn’t it?

@Hushmush

I know you’re all right deep down but I know that if I complained to him about it (again) he brushes it off and makes out that he does loads. He’s told me I’m really lucky before now, that many blokes wouldn’t do what he does

Absolute load of bollocks - quote him this

We both work full time in stressful jobs. My DP is typical male who likes football ect, not that it matters but he certainly wasn't domesticated before he met me. His mother did everything.

We split the dog walking 50/50 I do mornings he does evenings. We share the weekends together.

He does:
his own washing!!
bins
Empties dishwasher if he's home first
Will clean up after tea if I've cooked

We do joint cleaning hour once a week on Saturday morning.
He usually dusts, hoovers mops.
I usually do kitchen bathrooms.

I do all the cooking and meal planning.

Either way it is FAIR split of household chores. Regardless of gender. I wouldn't settle for any bloke who wouldn't share the household load.

Split it 50/50 including the dog walks...

@waitinggame108

grown -

I was SO confused 😮🥴🤣

Your husband genuinely said that what he liked about you was the jobs you do around the house? What do you like about him?

You do all of the household work without a break simply because he likes it that way?

I was going to say "we'd all like it better if we got to hang around doing our own thing while someone ran around like our servant" but honestly, I don't think that's true. I would hate to see dp under that much pressure because I love him and I want him to be happy. I believe that anyone who loves their partner would share the work rather than see them struggle. I'm so sorry

But you're doing this housework. This is complete madness. I sure wouldn't be working all the time and doing all the housework. No offense, but if you are going to do it then of course he's going to learn to expect it! Ffs this is simple. If you don't want to be treated like "the help" don't act like it. Start doing the same amount he does, tell him you're doing 50/50. He either pays for his half or does it. And when he has no clean clothes, and he's on his fiftieth takeaway maybe he will start appreciating you.

And why are you asking your husband if you can spend money in the first place!