Fretting about xmas with difficult family members

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Hi everyone, posted in chat but no replies, so reposting here.

Xmas is rapidly approaching. I'm struggling with the thought of spending 3+ nights with my family. Unfortunately my parents drink too much and my dad in particular has a mental illness. He's always been a ranter but his rants these days are focussing on alt right conspiracies, pro trump, anti immigration, brexit and so on. He doesn't miss an opportunity to get a comment in about these things with any conversation. He also thinks of himself as highly intelligent and loves to debate or lecture me. A conversation is not really a conversation just a lecture. I find it stressful and he's confrontational and if I say I don't want to discuss it I get called out on only wanting to talk about "rainbows and unicorns" and shamed about not wanting to discuss it. I know there is no way of changing his mind so I don't try.

Obviously I find it offensive but these are my parents, and because my dad has a mental illness I have to be a bit understanding about it.

My mum tries to keep the peace but is prone to getting a bit nasty when she gets drunk.

I only really stay there once or twice a year, I don't drive so can't escape for 3 nights until trains come back again.

My DS is 8, and DM loves him and expects to have xmas with him, he also loves spending time there and gets spoiled rotten.

However I am really starting to lose the plot and stressing about it. There are no local airbnbs that I can afford or people I can stay with.

I can't confront their behaviour but I am anxious there will be some drama or other (there's often some massive blow up between mum and dad or whatever) and I just feel very weird about it all.

Despite all of this I do love my family they are just not easy to spend time around.

Does anyone have any tips? I cannot cancel this time unfortunately, for the sake of my son wanting to see his grandparents.

Practise and prepare neutral replies. 'Is that so?' 'That's interesting'. 'There's a lot to it, isn't there?' 'I don't know much about that dad, tell me what you've read about it'. Broken record repeat these as needed. Maybe even agree with him in a bland way 'you could have a point there' if you can. If it's all part of a performance, do what you need to to get through. You can talk to your son later about how you don't confront grandad because he has a hard time disagreeing with people nicely - he must know kids who are like that at school..

Tbh think about what your 8yr is listening to. I'd not want my child exposed to that.
Could you arrange to just pop around during the morning when hopefully nobody has had a drink.

Can this really be a good experience for your son? He’ll accept them on face value at his age, but he’s spending Christmas with grandparents who have alcohol issues and get nasty with it.
There’s a helpful private Facebook group called COAisathing (COA = Children of Alcoholics) where you’ll likely find similar situations.
I feel for you both

Don't go. Claim you have covid and then spend a good few weeks researching FGO (fear, guilt, obligation), you do not have to put up with this. This is not how functional parents behave towards their loved offspring. I went no contact with my dm 10 years ago and the sheer relief was amazing. As pp said, your son needs to be kept from these people.

Frankly? Feign illness and reschedule for when trains are running. Just do a proper job so no-one ever knows you weren't coughing your guts out.
And when possible, get a driving license - even if it's just for an automatic. Made a huge difference with my trickier family when I could just say, "Better be getting back now!", hop in the car, and leg it!

Agree with others. Don't go. Feign illness.

Why are you going then? I simply cannot understand why people insist on torturing themselves with relatives they hate over Christmas.
I've always done my own thing at Christmas and done the very best for my son. Life is hard enough without this obligation.
If they ask you why you aren't coming I'd say because you drink too much and get aggressive and I've had enough of it.
I would say that too. They need to know.

Oh dear. COVID. We all have to isolate. We’ll visit in New Year / when vaccine is in place / When the kids are old enough to drive themselves / Never

Your son is at the age when he's going to see their behaviour for what it is, and I would refuse to expose that to him. The drinking, the racist rants, the nasty comments. No way. I would not be going.

Do not attend, no good to either of you will come of doing so. A pile of presents from your parents will not alleviate the misery that you will suffer directly and with your son also picking up on all the toxic vibes.

Why have you at all made allowances for them?. That was a huge error and also would you have tolerated this from a friend?.

I would also think your dad is at heart abusive and his mental health has further deteriorated over the years due primarily to alcoholism. Your mother has also abjectly failed you as a parent by failing to at all protect you from your abusive father. Indeed she has further aided and abetted him and drinks too much also.

COVID restrictions are your friend here so use those to stop home with your child. I would read toxic parents by Susan Forward, there is a section in there about alcoholic parents that you would find useful to read. Also have a look at the out of the fog website and consider also contacting Al-anon. Alcoholism is not known as the family disease for nothing and you seem mired in fear, obligation and guilt relating to that.

Just don't go x

Use Covid 19 as a reason not to go, and plan trips such that they are either for the day in future or where you can stay elsewhere. Your son will understand and perhaps a different Christmas can be sold to him in a positive way.

Don't go. It's a stupid idea with the trains anyway. Your son will have a lovely time with you and see his nan next year.

I agree with butterymuffin, plus can’t you watch a few films? Or say you have an ear infection and can’t hear/don’t feel too well. That’s if you truly cannot get out of it!

COVID is the perfect excuse, say you have a fever and you're free !

Please don't go.
My mil is a narcissist and fil is a bully and for far too long we were guilted into spending time with them. The kids are now 16 & 14 and it was as much for their sake as for ours that we've gone NC with them.
Best decision ever!

I don’t think I could do this to myself or DC. Your DS is more than old enough to have some understanding of your Father’s bigotry and I’m certain you don’t want him to think that’s acceptable. Have Christmas at home with your DS.

I wouldn’t go. I’ve got a similar issue with my best friend who I love dearly. Every conversation gets turned back to the things you describe. It’s exhausting. Whatever happened to shooting the breeze.

Cancel. Covid guidelines advise against overnights etc. Perfect excuse. Give yourself a break.

I know your son wants to see his GP but he'll have an understanding that this year isn't normal.

“ Tbh think about what your 8yr is listening to. I'd not want my child exposed to that. ”

This!! With bells on.

There has never been a better time to avoid unpleasant family members.

Why are you subjecting your child to this! Your parents are not examples he should be around

Use COVID and say you are not going

Well you have the perfect excuse this year - just say COVID and then perhaps talk to your mum in the new year (if you feel able to) and explain you don’t want your 8 year old around their excessive drinking and that although you understand your father has a mental illness that doesn’t mean your 8 year old should have to listen to his rants and lectures.
I personally don’t think it’s fair to subject your 8 year old to their behaviour - even if he loves his grandparents you as a parent should step in and pull your son away from harmful and toxic situations and I’m confused as to why your not already doing that op? Hardly the Christmas of dreams that an 8 year old imagines is it? - Everyone drinking far too much, almost guaranteed drama and arguments and rants and lectures on conspiracy theories etc.