Fretting about xmas with difficult family members

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Hi everyone, posted in chat but no replies, so reposting here.

Xmas is rapidly approaching. I'm struggling with the thought of spending 3+ nights with my family. Unfortunately my parents drink too much and my dad in particular has a mental illness. He's always been a ranter but his rants these days are focussing on alt right conspiracies, pro trump, anti immigration, brexit and so on. He doesn't miss an opportunity to get a comment in about these things with any conversation. He also thinks of himself as highly intelligent and loves to debate or lecture me. A conversation is not really a conversation just a lecture. I find it stressful and he's confrontational and if I say I don't want to discuss it I get called out on only wanting to talk about "rainbows and unicorns" and shamed about not wanting to discuss it. I know there is no way of changing his mind so I don't try.

Obviously I find it offensive but these are my parents, and because my dad has a mental illness I have to be a bit understanding about it.

My mum tries to keep the peace but is prone to getting a bit nasty when she gets drunk.

I only really stay there once or twice a year, I don't drive so can't escape for 3 nights until trains come back again.

My DS is 8, and DM loves him and expects to have xmas with him, he also loves spending time there and gets spoiled rotten.

However I am really starting to lose the plot and stressing about it. There are no local airbnbs that I can afford or people I can stay with.

I can't confront their behaviour but I am anxious there will be some drama or other (there's often some massive blow up between mum and dad or whatever) and I just feel very weird about it all.

Despite all of this I do love my family they are just not easy to spend time around.

Does anyone have any tips? I cannot cancel this time unfortunately, for the sake of my son wanting to see his grandparents.

thanks everyone, I appreciate all the suggestions of not going but mum has really pushed the boat out, got all the decorations ready and stocked the hampers etc. she'd be devastated! It's only in the last year or so I've had issues with her when she's been drinking being quite horrid. DS isn't around for most of the drinking (evenings although at xmas obviously it's a bit more) and isn't really aware of the racist rants which tend to be evenings. And as I said although they are difficult I do love them. Dad is very mentally ill (*NB not caused by alcohol) which has impacted his critical thinking and led him down the conspiracy rabbit holes. They are probably functional alcoholics i.e. mum has bottle of wine a night, dad a few beers every night, but can go over this when socialising. And mum has been my rock apart from when she gets too drunk and argues (only over the last year or two).

But you've all reminded me to have better boundaries, and I am going to write them down before we go and get together some strategies for if they do get too much for what to say and do. I will then have no problem telling them if they cross these boundaries and what I will and won't tolerate. I may also brief them in advance to say that we want to avoid conflict, racist rants, politics and drama if possible. This may help to keep them on better behaviour.

It sounds like evenings are the trickiest times, after they have been drinking. If you must go, I would aim for an early bedtime, to avoid drunken arguments.

I would also echo the convenience of having a driving licence; it's invaluable even if it's just once a year, like this and rental cars can be picked up for every type of distance and time frame, now.

Tbh, I know it's hard but you're enabling their behaviour.
Try the Stately Homes thread. Sounds like you are in the FOG.
Your son will be taking this all in, it's denial if you think he's not.
Break this awful cycle of accepting it.
Take care.

I like your idea about considering boundaries, OP, but unfortunately while you can change your own reaction you can't control what they do - and in their own home at that

Sooner or later you'll need to decide what level of this you're prepared to accept, and like PPs I'd have thought this year was a pretty good time to give it a miss whether your DM's disappointed or not ... though I suppose you could call and say you're "no longer sure about going because of the atmosphere", in the hope they'll rein it in a bit

If you do go, though, I guess you could wait until it kicks off and calmly explain that this is exactly why you won't visit again at Christmas - and mean it

Just dont engage when he is ranting, pick up a magazine or your phone and zone out, if he is getting no response or argument he will hopefully sto

I wouldn’t go. It will be much nicer in your own home, doing what you want. Cancel now

If you can’t cancel, have a word with your mother now, saying you are dreading it a bit, as she’s started being nasty when she’s had a drink.
I can’t see any way of avoiding the conversation

Doesn’t sound like a nice environment for your son, tbh.

Completely sympathise with you. My dad is exactly the same. He likes to try and lecture me, even though I have a degree in politics. I had enough and made it very clear I will not entertain conversations about tinfoil hat conspiracy theories and racism. Shut him down every single time!

There is a large covid outbreak among train staff. Just saying..

I understand why you feel you can't cancel now but I also think you should never had arranged to meet in the first place, it's needlessly raising the risk of spreading imfections especially when using public transport. Quite apart from all the other issues! Try to cut them off immediately every single time the nastiness or ranting begins. Even interrupt as soon as as it starts and say right, I/DS and I are going to go watch something/read upstairs.