Deluded to want or even think I (we) deserve more?

[nicknackcaddywhack]

15 years and 3 kids in. Got together because we were both super social and great fun. Both qualities out the window with arrival of the kids and both working full time plus.

Now chalk and cheese. I'm super sensitive. He's the opposite. His young attractive confidence now feels like cold heartless arrogance. And I clearly seem like a 'crazy woman' to him.

Arguments always escalate to me crying, him shouting, me telling him he should be more sensitive, him the problem is I'm too sensitive. We prob both have a point but neither can flex in each other's direction. It's getting toxic.

Parenting styles totally at odds. He's from a volatile family so bounces back from all the shouting. I don't. Feel it's wearing me down thinner and thinner and the negativity is breaking me. And this COVID year has only intensified it all times a million with the home working, parenting, homeschool bouts etc on what were already increasingly cracked foundations.

How to get the happiness, spark, mutual respect, joy back, for our sakes and the kids? Truly think we do love each other still underneath it all but we've fallen into disgruntled co-workers and I am at breaking point and getting v low.

Have you considered that he IS could hearted and arrogant- because he always has been. You just didn't see it before because you liked him and don't want to now because if what that might mean you have to do.

The solution is to leave him and find happiness as a single woman. There is no making a cold heart into a warm one. And life is too short to spend with someone like that. Your kids deserve a happy mum.

Kids ruin relationships. We were very happy pre Kids. Not so much after.

We just didn’t factor in the upheaval. Some people it suits but it doesn’t agree with everyone. Sounds like you are both at the make or break time and need to either work together to fix it or make plans to bring it to an end.

If you feel you still genuinely love each other but have fallen into bad relationship habits, worth trying marriage counselling to shake things up and look at your current deadlock afresh?

What @Nore said. You’ve said yourself that you’ve both become entrenched. It may help both of you if you stopped blaming each other for how things are panning out because that immediately creates distance and turns it into a war of attrition and, as you have said, there’s truth on both sides. It makes each of you unwilling to listen to the other. We had family counselling some years ago because we felt we were all just too angry with each other too much of the time and it was great. I think it could be really helpful here.

One other thing - I can’t tell you how much I wish I had used humour and laughter more to alleviate challenging family situations when the children were younger. I took everything so damn seriously and it made things less fun than they could have been. I started using it a few years ago. It really does help.

I agree. I've thought about counselling for years. This has been coming for years. Always bottled it. Never sure where to go. Relate? Together? Separately? Where do you recommend? I'd rather fight (for it) than flight. Especially for the kids.

Relate (if you’re in England) would be ideal. Go together. It’s a joint problem but you both have to want to fix it.

Where abouts are you OP most therapists are on zoom now abd I do know a really great one I’ve used her and my friends have too

Thanks all. I'll check out Relate. Prefer zoom anyway, I'm an ugly crier so the commute there and back to in person worried me in the past. Yesterday was another shit day. Classic example. Bad family news. I took some space to focus (cry) and get myself together tor the kids. He reacted in anger, taking it out by shouting at them and then at me. Which set me off again. I'm angry he becomes an additional obstacle when we have a problem. He's angry I got upset and 'fell apart'. I actually did but from his shouting - I'd got myself back together before. We just handle things differently and it clashes and makes things worse. Opposites may attract but they clash long term. I'm emotionally exhausted. When we get bad news I just need a hug not an altercation and to be blamed. For that part at least I don't think I'm being unfair.

@Wanderlusto you have a point but I'm here and want to fix it. Lockdown has amplified all the bad. I also lost my job so have been down over that too. It's been a shit year.

@WT56 Sadly i couldn't agree more. We never argued pre kids. It's so sad.

Oh just go to therapy on yr own.

Dont go in with the agenda of making a bad marriage less bad.
Go in with the intention to save yourself

@Parsley1234 wow I hadn’t thought of asking for counsellor recommendations from out of area. Doh!

Him shouting at the kids because he’s had bad news is really not ok. It’s not just differing parenting styles. And then he gets more angry that you’ve handled it differently? That’s awful.

Did the news affect you both? I mean is it about one side of your family or is it more of a job/house issue?

@Purplewithred yes everyone is working on line now she is totally awesome no nonsense empathic

Hmm to take a different view my Dh and I are both csv sociable and both come from dysfunctional backgrounds. When we both don't socialise sep or jointly our moods start going this is what helps us:

• we do date night 1/2 night per week
• go for daytime walks while wfh for a chat
• spend all day Sunday on a family day trip together. Means we can chat in car and spend time together
• I see friends every week and he does football every non and thurs to socialise mainly
• if his mood goes I notice and he often goes our for a drive and phones a friend on Bluetooth or walks round the block on the phone
• were both friendly with neighbours whatever age. So if he's a bit flat will talk to old guy next door over the fence and has befriended a widow on the road who likes odd jobs and they chat about that.

God looking at this we look a bit weird! But we're both very sociable and had to make extra effort this year to be ok. Zoom didn't work for either of us.

Try these things before ending the marriage!

@Parsley1234 I'd love her details too please

Sadly he complains I used to be more robust. I was. Resilient and pragmatic and yes all about humour deflection too. Kids, hormones, exhaustion, something deeper, clashes and daily grind have changed me over the years. It's sad

@silverfonze thank you! We've become very reclusive. No friends. No hobbies. No passions. That doesn't help. How to fit it all in?! But fair we should try. I'm more sociable. Maybe that's part of what I'm missing. Maybe that's why I'm here as nowhere / nobody else to turn to.

OP, some times relationships don’t adapt well to having children around and it seems to me your has been deteriorating for a long time and you may have grown in different directions to the point you are no longer compatible or you are finding each other irritating or frustrating.

What you describe doesn’t sound like a happy environment to nurture your kids or yourself. You may be able to give it a few years more with the help of counseling but... is it really worth it? Or are you fighting to keep a status quo where you will still be unhappy and which would lead your kids to grow thinking such an unpleasant home situation is normal and what they should aim for?

I wasted 8 years in Relate, yes we stayed together for those extra years but they felt as if I was dying inside, it just built more resentment.

Deciding to split was the most difficult decision I have taken in my life. It was far far more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

I wouldn’t say that things have been easy after the split, I have worries I didn’t have before but I am 100x happier, so is my child and my ex.

We grow up with the idea that you need to fight for your marriage regardless of the circumstances, that it is a failure to split. It is is not a failure believe me, you need guts for this, many many people stay in dysfunctional, unhappy or plain abusive marriages because they are afraid of change when stepping out would have given all a chance for a better life.

Pm
Me anyone who wants her details I don’t work for her and have no financial interest she just has helped me a lot over the years

@KarmaNoMore Thank you. You're probably right but I need to try. Really appreciate the long post and so happy you found happiness - inspiring

@Parsley1234 Sorry I'm being thick and can't find how to PM you?!

@BiscuitDrama yes joint news. I'd rather not elaborate in case identifying. Kids don't know. But this has always been my fear. When shit hits the fan I blame myself and he blames me. We aren't on the same side. He doesn't see that I process by getting upset but coming back from it. He sees that as a display of weakness. I usent to be weak. It's crazy. I'm just broken down. And understandably he didn't marry or want a broken wife either. Don't get me wrong, we have our highs and I don't think I'm deluded in thinking I mask brilliantly for the children most times. But when things are bad they are very bad and the cycle deepens.

Does he think that his shouting is ok?

@BiscuitDrama yup