Deluded to want or even think I (we) deserve more?

[nicknackcaddywhack]

15 years and 3 kids in. Got together because we were both super social and great fun. Both qualities out the window with arrival of the kids and both working full time plus.

Now chalk and cheese. I'm super sensitive. He's the opposite. His young attractive confidence now feels like cold heartless arrogance. And I clearly seem like a 'crazy woman' to him.

Arguments always escalate to me crying, him shouting, me telling him he should be more sensitive, him the problem is I'm too sensitive. We prob both have a point but neither can flex in each other's direction. It's getting toxic.

Parenting styles totally at odds. He's from a volatile family so bounces back from all the shouting. I don't. Feel it's wearing me down thinner and thinner and the negativity is breaking me. And this COVID year has only intensified it all times a million with the home working, parenting, homeschool bouts etc on what were already increasingly cracked foundations.

How to get the happiness, spark, mutual respect, joy back, for our sakes and the kids? Truly think we do love each other still underneath it all but we've fallen into disgruntled co-workers and I am at breaking point and getting v low.

@BiscuitDrama and never apologises. Never sees self as in the wrong

How often does he shout? What kind of things does he say? What age are the kids?

I think if he thinks it's fine to shout then counselling will not be particularly affective. If he never sees himself in the wrong he may go hoping to change your viewpoint, not his own.

I think that joint counselling may be worth a go. At worst it can help to manage a split, at best it may give you some tools to get out of this pattern and rebuild on the love that is still there.

Would he agree to joint counselling? Have you discussed it? Relate is a fine start or you can look for marriage/relationship therapists on the BACP register.

If he won't go, have individual counselling anyway. That sounds like it could help you a lot.

[quote nicknackcaddywhack]@BiscuitDrama and never apologises. Never sees self as in the wrong [/quote]
I think that's a big red flag, an expression of arrogance and contempt for others

@Respectabitch

I think that joint counselling may be worth a go. At worst it can help to manage a split, at best it may give you some tools to get out of this pattern and rebuild on the love that is still there.

Would he agree to joint counselling? Have you discussed it? Relate is a fine start or you can look for marriage/relationship therapists on the BACP register.

If he won't go, have individual counselling anyway. That sounds like it could help you a lot.

I agree with this. It's hard for strangers on the internet to judge whether this relationship is a basically functional one that has fallen into bad habits or something destructive that is beyond salvage. Relate doesn't have to be about propping up something faltering, either -- some friends of mine went for about three months when they were moving towards a divorce, and it helped smooth the route out and left them on rather better terms as they ended things and focused on co-parenting.

And it sounds as if you would also benefit from solo counselling, OP, especially if you would be worried about whether you breaking down in a joint Relate session is going to set your husband off into anger mode (though it could well be useful if he does, as the counsellor will deal with the dynamic that emerges) but in a solo session, you could cry all you want. (Bring makeup to cover up the ravages I used to have a lunchtime session at a time when I needed to go back and work afterwards, and I used to bring a makeup bag and repair my face in the loo after I came out of the counsellor's office.)

Ugh. It’s always the same with these “never see themselves in the wrong types” isn’t it? When you don’t know them very well or when things are nice and easy and no pressure it’s “attractive youthful confidence”. But when things get serious and shit hits the fan they’re a bloody nightmare.

OP: as others have said, you don’t have a “different parent styles” problem you have a “partner who can’t admit he’s wrong so blames everyone else” problem. My mum was very fiery and my dad passive-aggressive but my mum knew when to say sorry and wouldn’t blame others for events outside everyone’s control. That strikes me as the issue here. Partners are supposed to have each other’s back. He doesn’t. He used his family as a scapegoat. That’s borderline abusive IMO.

@TossCointoYerWitcher tbh that's incredibly spot on

@Katiefizz76 I think that's fair but I need to try in case and to know I tried everything

@Nore thanks nore, super insightful and suppportive. I really appreciate

Do you think that your man here would be amenable to counselling at all?. If he refuses to go as could well happen here, then go on your own.
I would also consider someone other than Relate and find someone also who has no familial bias re keeping families together.

If someone else was writing these posts what would your own counsel be? I also was going to post along similar lines to that of Witcher and I a, wondering if abuse lies at the heart of his behaviour towards you. Joint counselling in that particular circumstance is never advised.

@nicknackcaddywhack I messaged you

Have you talked to him about the future? It may be a good idea to find out where does he seems himself in a few years time.

You may turn yourself backwards to save the marriage but he should be willing to do the same for things to work. One thing that I noticed was that I was the driver organising weekly dates, especial occasions, ensuring DS was in bed on time so we had time for ourselves etc. while he always said we were not doing “that bad” to contemplate a divorce but it touched out that the moment I stopped “saving the marriage” he didn’t pickup the baton.

He was just a guy who found himself in a very comfortable position where the wife took care of everything so he had time to develop his career and hobbies. And, like me, he didn’t want to be the executor of the marriage no matter how dead our relationship already was.

Try hard to save the marriage but put yourself a deadline. The older your kids the more difficult a divorce would be on them.