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Original poster

NC relative sending gift?

40 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 16/12/2020 19:04

Has anyone ever had a NC relative send present to their children? Well that’s what happened to me today and I wasn’t expecting it, it was a gift for my oldest child (I have 4 Hmm ) I initially thought it was my daughter who had ordered it for herself on amazon but I went on to check my account and of course nothing was there. It was only when I remembered to check the receipt that I realised who it was from. Anyone had to NC relatives sending things?

OP posts:
NellNorth · 16/12/2020 19:27

Yes, but since we were NC, the gift was never acknowledged. Cash gifts were put in the kids bank accounts, but cheques were never cashed. They eventually stopped. We had that crap of only the favourite grandchild being acknowledged ( first born girl). If we had received gifts like toys, I would have put them in the tombola or charity shop pile.

WiseOwlWan · 16/12/2020 19:30

This NC relative sent a gift to just one of your four children. 😥

Sssloou · 16/12/2020 19:32

They are seeking a reaction from you.

It’s a manipulative provocation.

Don’t rise to it. Don’t acknowledge it or send it back.

Are your DCs old enough to have phones?

It would be worth blocking the relatives number. My older teens get random weird texts (that they don’t respond to) from NC relative. I have suggested they block but they haven’t done so yet.

MrsBrunch · 16/12/2020 19:33

Yes it's an attempt to engage with you. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Sssloou · 16/12/2020 19:36

Oh I also have 4 DCs - and the texts only go to two who they see as “soft” - they wouldn’t dare text my oldest son who they hurt deeply or my youngest who still lives at home where I would see it. V selective just to the two at uni. - obviously think that they don’t speak with their Mum. The texts arrive on the same day to both teens and also come from two other flying monkeys on the same day......pathetic really.

Lucyccfc68 · 16/12/2020 19:37

Yes. My DM and 2 sisters send gifts for my DS, which I don’t mind. However one of my sisters sent me a birthday card and present that went straight in the bin. She sent flowers last year, which my neighbour happily took off my hands.

I don’t let it bother me. Just give any presents to someone else, give them to charity or bin them.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 16/12/2020 19:42

Wow at least it’s not just me then! Totally caught me off guard, yes she sent a dress to my oldest daughter nothing for my other 3, my daughter is 9 so doesn’t have a mobile but my first reaction was maybe when she was playing on mine and she ordered it for herself as obviously it was her exact size and it didn’t even occur to me it would be this person, I don’t want to keep the item but my daughter saw it as I asked her if she ordered it (first thought really it didn’t even occur to me it would be anything else) and she couldn’t answer (she has autism) she then got upset about it so I had to tell her I had ordered it and forgot about it, but it does seem like a deliberate attempt to of attention, who sends a gift to one child?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 16/12/2020 19:56

In our case, I mark them return to sender and send them right back unopened. My family gets off on financially manipulating people with gifts and money, so to accept would mean they can keep up the narrative of how great they are for supporting us financially (not true, they don’t) despite how awful we are.

Deelish75 · 16/12/2020 20:42

Yep. She used to give them to other relatives to give directly to my children. My youngest doesn’t know her and my oldest knows all about her behaviour and was happy for me to send it back to her. Relative was spoken to and he’s never done it since. She now posts it directly, luckily I can intercept and I just give them straight away to the charity shop/give money to charity.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 16/12/2020 21:28

I wish I had known what it was before opening, so annoying as this time of the year you get lots of deliveries so didn’t ring any alarm bells Angry

OP posts:
Eckhart · 16/12/2020 21:31

but it does seem like a deliberate attempt to of attention, who sends a gift to one child

That was the first thing I thought: it's deliberately provocative. Make no response. Does your daughter know who it's from? If not, she doesn't have to.

londonscalling · 16/12/2020 21:55

I would post it back to the original sender.

Griefmonster · 16/12/2020 22:15

I came on to start this thread! Received today. Mine is a slightly different sounding NC. My parent discarded me after DSibling's funeral 18 months ago Accused me of cutting them and their spouse from arrangements etc. All lies. They send gifts to kids for birhdays and Christmas but make no effort with my DC. Don't ask to see them (I asked them contact my DH if they wanted to ask after children or arrange to see them), don't ask after them. Nothing just a present every 6 months or so. As time goes on it becomes more bizarre. We've had 3 birthdays and 2 Christmases since the discard.

It never ceases my mind to not give the presents and I've always felt I shouldn't stand in way of relationship. And that I would facilitate it (through DH) of parent requested. But is that a bad idea? They are very covert narc. And are wonderful grandparents to my DNs (their preferred ones! Me and sibling used to laugh about how blatant it was but now it's just tragic).

They are so outwardly presentable I worry what it would do to my DC if I stopped the little contact they get through presents. I can't stand the thought of my DC feeling as rejected as I did.

Sssloou · 16/12/2020 23:18

I can't stand the thought of my DC feeling as rejected as I did.

They are already rejecting them. They don’t ask after them, see them and actively favour DNs. Don’t expose your DCs to this. They deserve better and it will also eat you alive emotionally to have to arrange contact and hear about them. They would also exploit, escalate and manipulate over time to trigger you. Don’t let your DCs be pawns.

But you are lucky in that you have the opportunity to change / stop the dynamic.

TerribleZebra · 16/12/2020 23:26

My brother sends presents for both my kids at Christmas and birthday. He hasn't seen or spoken to us in over 5 years (we sort of went NC by accident but I'm happy for this to be this way) . He does it because it makes my mum believe he has a normal relationship with us and that I am the problem because I don't reciprocate. I give them to the kids (both teenagers) and they just comment on how weird he is. He lives near us at the moment and will leave them on the doorstep at night. My mum still thinks this is reasonable behaviour. His wife will also give my mum sweets to pass on to my kids, which she takes great delight in doing (again to show how I'm being difficult). My SIL doing a 20 mile round trip to my mums house to give her sweets to give to my kids when we live walking distance from my SIL and brother is considered completely normal. I used to hate it (particularly the presents on the doorstep in the middle of the night) but the kids are old enough to see how weird it is. They always make sure their Amazon wish lists are full of very expensive items and nothing else Grin

WitchOfTheWest · 17/12/2020 00:37

I'm NC with my mother after she made false allegations about me to the police. 4 months later a card and a cheque arrived for my youngest DC birthday. We never cashed it. That was 4 years ago.

Then earlier in the year I found out she'd got hold of my brothers address book with all the kids birthdays listed. She made a note of the dates and told him she'd be sending cards for the kids. Only one birthday has passed since then but I was on pins for weeks waiting for something to drop for the letter box. It would have been easier for her to get the dates from my sister but then she knew it wouldn't get back to me as I'm NC with her too.

If she ever does send anything, it'll be binned.

VictoriasCousin · 17/12/2020 00:43

Yes. And it's never to all of my children either, just one or sometimes two of them. It just reminds me why we are NC

changedmynameforChristmas · 17/12/2020 00:46

NC relative would send cheques inside birthday cards for my children even though she was not interested in them at all. It was done to justify herself to other family members.
The cheques never got cashed

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/12/2020 12:30

Well well, another amazon parcel arrives this morning (I was out so the lovely amazon delivery guy decided to THROW it over my garden wall Hmm ) anyway I am definitely not expecting anything this time! So I have not opened it, I am not going to either and I’m also not going to react in anyway like sending it back to her as I think she is
Looking for a reaction as people have suggested and I don’t really want to provoke any sort of contact, the worst part is she has fallen out with the entire family and no one speaks to her yet she’s only sent presents to my children?! (Who knows what’s in the box might just be for one of them again, not even tempted to check)

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/12/2020 12:34

Just as I posted this cards have arrived!! Wow she’s really going over the top Shock after what she did to me I’m amazed she has the cheek!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2020 12:37

Dispose of it all as you see fit. Do not acknowledge these items in any way. I state that too because what your mother wants here is a response, to such disordered of thinking people that is the reward. What your mother is trying to do here is hoover you and that is about controlling you further.

Sssloou · 17/12/2020 12:56

Treat the cards and gifts as contaminated items. Put them in a box in your shed / boot of car. Don’t let them in your house. Drop off at charity shop. Ask a friend to open the cards (in case of cash which you can give to to charity) - you don’t want to see the words in the cards as they will get under your skin and take up headspace.

londonscalling · 18/12/2020 01:57

I know you don't want to send them back as she wants a reaction. However, I'd have to send them back so that she doesn't think you are using them!

Redflaggs · 18/12/2020 10:00

@Givemeabreak88 my exh dm did this. Sent cards that I would have to read... to dc that couldnt. So I would either bin them or send them back.

With a random gift, I would either give it to them Or drop it at the secondhand shop.
But I wouldn't acknowledge it was from X.

There's a reason we aren't communicating, and sending things to get a response is not a good lesson for a child.

As your child saw the dress and likes it, that's all that matters, she's happy don't care who it came from. It's not like she's going to hear who's it's from.

Eckhart · 18/12/2020 12:52

@londonscalling

I know you don't want to send them back as she wants a reaction. However, I'd have to send them back so that she doesn't think you are using them!
Nooooo! Leave her not knowing. What she thinks doesn't matter. That's the only way to get rid of an abuser. Indifference.
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