NC relative sending gift?

[Givemeabreak88]

Has anyone ever had a NC relative send present to their children? Well that’s what happened to me today and I wasn’t expecting it, it was a gift for my oldest child (I have 4 ) I initially thought it was my daughter who had ordered it for herself on amazon but I went on to check my account and of course nothing was there. It was only when I remembered to check the receipt that I realised who it was from. Anyone had to NC relatives sending things?

My thieving BIL used to do this. He'd send money/vouchers to the kids. We never acknowledged it and always gave it to a local charity.

Yeh I think I’m going to go with not acknowledging it at all, that way she can wonder to herself, I’m sure she would love a reaction, any reaction even if it is a negative one, she thrives off drama. She also only lives a 10 minute drive from me and I really don’t want her feeling like she’s been provoked to make contact. As I said my daughter already saw the dress and was confused (she told me she did order it ) that’s when I looked online to check how much it was but couldn’t find it , then I found the order receipt with a little note for my daughter on it. she’s not aware who sent it so I just told her I ordered it but forgot about it. I won’t be opening anything else that is sent and this time I will make sure I’m of it.

Good on you for deciding this course of action i.e no acknowledgement.

What your mother wants here is a response and to such disordered of thinking people that is the reward. Radio silence from you therefore should be maintained. Silence is powerful.

Ensure too that your relative has no way of contacting any of your DC and particularly through any form of social media or mobile phone.

Good call @Givemeabreak88 . I hope you have a lovely time with your family.

And thank you @Sssloou for your advice. It has helped bring perspective.

You guys are not going to believe this she sent more stuff, she’s either taking the piss or needs help, it’s insane!! Can anything be done about this, is it considered harassment or something ?

Stop the drama. Within yourself. A parcel arrived. Any '!!'s are a result of the fact that you allow her to make you feel 'drama'.

Make it simpler than this. Make it 'Oh, she sent another parcel. I'll pop it in that bag under the stairs, and drop it off at the charity shop when I'm next going there.' And then forget it.

You have to understand that she is not triggering you. You are allowing her actions to trigger you. If you want it to stop, it's not parcels being delivered that you want to stop, is it. It's the drama of your own emotional response. Yours. She isn't even there.

You guys are not going to believe this

You are even trying to make us feel '!!'. I can't speak for anybody else but it's not a bit surprising that she has sent more stuff. She is trying to provoke you, using methods that have worked in the past. If you stop responding, she'll probably try a few other ways, and, in the face of absolutely no response whatsoever from you, she will eventually give up.

Ignoring and donating to charity seems the best response.

she’s either taking the piss or needs help, it’s insane!!

Yes. Yes. and Yes.

It’s fine to be triggered - it’s fine to acknowledge and express your intense irritation and anger at your boundaries being ambushed time and again and invading your home and targeting your DCs.

This is processing your feelings. It’s a reaction. That’s allowed and normal.

Next step through is to consider your response and actions. Choose wisely - anything that will settle and re centre you - that will get this physical contaminant out of your home and head asap - so that you can return to focusing on your calm and peaceful home and beautiful children. She doesn’t get to derail this even in her absence.

I guess this is the first Xmas of no contact so I really wasn’t expecting anything to be sent at all! I would never send anyone something if they weren’t speaking to me.

Yeh I’m kind of worried she will show up now, and my children keep asking what the things are

I think you've done the right thing by ignoring it. If your children are asking what the things are, just say they were sent to the wrong address or something.

I had a similar situation where my ex best friend has sent my son a card with money in it for his birthday. He is autistic, but fairly high functioning and it put him in a genuine dilemma of whether to respond to it or not. He knows i'm now NC with her. I resent her for putting him in that position. How the hell does she think she can have any sort of relationship with him when she's NC with me? I thought it was a damned cheek but of course she would frame it as something different and coming from a 'place of care'. Narcissists have no boundaries and will try anything on to instigate fear, obligation or guilt in the person they are NC with. Stay strong you are doing the right thing. If she shows up, just tell her you are busy (even pretend to go out if you have to). Deny knowing about the presents. She'll get the message eventually.

Yeh I’m kind of worried she will show up now, and my children keep asking what the things are.

Yes she has instilled fear in you by polluting your home with this stuff. She wants you to cave to submit. It’s about power and control.

Have a simple calm watertight plan in place if she does turn up and then trust that this plan will be implemented by you in a swift cold undramatic and unemotional way. Then put it to the back of your mind so that you can enjoy the present because you are confident that you can handle any eventuality.

On another thread this week one poster was advised by her therapist to have a short note written ready to hand over which states something simple like “Please leave. We do not have a relationship. I don’t want to listen to you.” I thought it was quite a safe idea as the words / message could be delivered unemotionally at a time when you are likely to be flustered. Although if you could ignore the doorbell all the better but you don’t want to expose your DC to any of her histrionics if that’s her style.

*enjoy the present moment

Dispose of these items asap; do not give these any more power. They are not wanted by your DC and besides which you did not ask for these to be sent to your DC anyway.

Maintain radio silence and again dispose of asap; this will also stop your DC asking about these (keeping them at all speaks their interest and curiosity).