I need to accept that this is abuse and move forwards

[usedandabusedx1000]

I’ve name changed. My relationship is abusive. Not physically, but in every other way. I keep believing the lies that things will change. They never do. We have a child together as well as both having children from previous relationships.

Last night I collected him from the pub and by the time we got home he’s losing his shit because my daughter was sitting in the living room, she has her own room apparently, so this means she’s not allowed to sit quietly in the family living room? I know how wrong this is and called him out on it and with that he smashed up her tv from her room and then smashed up the WiFi router. I made him leave.

Today I just feel exhausted and lost and like I’ve let my children down. He will ask before long to have our joint child, personally, I don’t think that’s appropriate, but I know I will be called all of the names under the sun, told I’m using the baby to get back at him, and he will still continue to make my life hell.

I still love him, or the him I believe he once was, another Christmas ruined, another attempt at looking to rebuild my life. I run a small business, which is snowed under with Christmas, I’m struggling now. Struggling to get it all done, struggling to get supplies, struggling to do school runs (because he’s left me with no vehicle) I just feel spent and devastated and can’t be bothered to deal with any of it. I don’t know what I want anybody to say but if he gives me the speil again I know I’ll choose to believe it and I need to stop for my children’s sakes

So sorry this is happening. Well done for kicking him out. Smashing a tv IS physical.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Or pull your DC's from school for the last couple of days if that makes life work. Have you changed the locks? Do you have bolts on the doors?

Have you notified the police? I think you should.

Your poor daughter. To feel so unwanted and scared in her own home must be the worst thing.

Please don't take him back. Her confidence is probably at rock bottom now. If you want to rectify it and give her a hope of a happy future, then please show her that she is your priority and you won't accept any person talking to/about her like that.

Seriously you can not facilitate an experience like that again onto your daughter. Take him back and that’s what will happen. You already know this, which is the first step but now you need to protect her.

Your poor daughter. To feel so unwanted and scared in her own home must be the worst thing.

If you don't value yourself - at least please value HER and get rid of this bullying twat for HER sake.

if he gives me the speil again I know I’ll choose to believe it and I need to stop for my children’s sakes

How many times will you give yourself permission to have him abuse your children?

Please do this for your daughter, as well as yourself. She needs to see you showing her that you will not tolerate this kind of violence, and make no mistake, it is officially recognised as violence.

Op I am so sorry you are going through this I'm sending virtual hugs

Of course you want to accept what he is saying as this is what domestic abuse does, it shatters your self worth, confidence and turns you into a shell of yourself. You know what he did was awful and wrong and you certainly don't need people to repeat how wrong it is here.

You need a handhold and some support, do you have anyone in RL who you can turn to? From threads I have read on here I would say keep posting it will help keep your strength up and not cave to him as when he try's to worm back in

@TwentyViginti

Your poor daughter. To feel so unwanted and scared in her own home must be the worst thing.

If you don't value yourself - at least please value HER and get rid of this bullying twat for HER sake.

Yes yes.

If you choose to take him back - your word, choose - then you are choosing to be complicit in the abuse of your children.

I don't know what you expect us to say. It's almost like you're seeking permission to continue the abuse.

Women's Aid? Freedom Programme? Have you reported him to the police?

Consider letting the children's school know so they can support them.

Just because you have let your children down doesnt mean you have to keep letting them down. Frankly it doesnt matter if you love him, you should love your children more. And - even if you dont- you have a duty to protect them.

Try finding some angervtowardschim, it will give you some energy to scrape him out of your lives.

Oh don't don't don't take him back. You're telling your daughter he is more important than her to you, that his violence is acceptable. Then she has little or no self worth and will accept whatever abuse a future partner inflicts on her because you will have shown her that she deserves no better.
This is not what you mean her to feel, but your actions will affect it. Show her she is a valuable human being.

Has he left for good. Is the house yours or rented. She must have been very scared when he smashed her TV.

Here's the thing, if you didn't have kids I'd say suit yourself. You wouldn't be the first,you wouldn't be the last. You might survive it,you might now. As an adult, it's your choice to make for whatever reason.

But you're not. You have children. Children that have no choice in this. Children that are subjected to bullying and abuse. Children that are subjected to violence. Children that don't have a voice. Children that can't escape or make decisions for themselves.

So it's up to you to keep them safe. To protect then. To ensure their future is free of abuse and violence.

It might be easier to stay,but is it the right thing? Is it the right thing for your kids?

He has been abusive towards your daughter - how long before he directs that at your shared child - focus on that don't fool yourself this is about who is the father of which child - social services will only be interested in keeping children safe and he has directed his ire at a child and her belongings.

Take him back and the message you are sending your daughter is his behaviour is acceptable and at the same time totally undermining her sense of safety in the world.

Think about that.

Are you married to this waste of space? Whose name(s) are on the mortgage/lease?

It's time to seek support and make a plan. Call someone you trust and confide in them. Let them give you a shoulder to lean on.

Well, you choose your daughter. And you protect her.

How on earth can you "love" this violent, angry prick?

Forget the school run and concentrate on removing him from your life and showing her she's the most important thing to you

Op can I just say you have stood up for your child and made him leave, you've made the first step. Thinking about all this in your head is actually worse than leaving him, you need a plan and to stick to it.

Look online for your local domestic abuse services and contact them for support alongside anyone who you have in rl as you really need people around you.

I've been the child who seen years of domestic abuse and the worst kind he broke my mums bones she was absolutely petrified of him but also petrified of leaving and this is something only people who are trained in this area can support you through. No amount of people online telling you he's scum will help.

I've also been in an abusive relationship with ds dad I left when he was 2 with the support of my mum and seeing the signs. It is not as easy as just walking away and I fully get that. Please feel free to pm me if you need to chat

Nobody is saying anything I don’t know, and I’m not looking for anybody to support me in taking him back. Why do people have to respond in such a shitty way??? Surely abuse is spoken about so often in here that people should know that this kind of attitude doesn’t help the situation?

Special thanks to @Cakles2010 I do feel like I need some support. Whatever anybody thinks, HE needs help, I know that, and it’s my nature to not want to give up on him, which is pathetic and of course, I need to put my children and myself first, which I will be doing, but it still hurts, it’s still hard.

His child is also a daughter, so I lose her, and she loses us, and I can’t stop what happens to her or in front of her, and that’s hard.

I don’t know what to do about our shared child, obviously the question do him seeing them has already arisen, I’ve said no, but how long can I keep that up? I’ve been through the court process with my ex partner re: custody and I’m sorry to say, but I do not trust the court system or cafcass to protect my baby.

I’ve confided in many people previously, they are all take in by him as well, they know the things he has done, they have seen the things he has done, and they all allow it too and tell me “it’s his child too” and make me feel like the wicked witch of the west. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody, but I don’t believe many people who claim it would be so cut and dry for them.

Op you have had some terrible responses here which is why I'm saying no one understands abuse in relationships unless they have experienced it. They think it's an easy and final decision and if it was women wouldn't end up dead (sorry to be so explicit)

What you are saying resonates with me so much my ex (ds dad) I felt exactly the same way I believed I was going to be his saviour and change his life, it doesn't happen because they don't want it to. He was addicted to weed, if he didn't have his fix things would get smashed, walls would be broken, he once broke my finger, he threw the dog across the room...why didn't I leave you stupid girl (this is what people say who haven't experienced this) because fear and self loathing keep you locked in.

You will feel like you have nothing left and can't even be arsed to change anything because he's shattering your confidence, it's him doing this to you. You're not the bad person. Is there any really close friends who will be supportive if you've already spoke with family?

Trust me you can do this you just need a plan once you have it set in your head you can walk away xx

Just take it one day at a time. Telling the police will strengthen your case and what he has done is domestic violence. It is physical. You are in danger if you do nothing of losing residency of your daughter because of the domestic violence. School will report it if she discloses it. So when he gives you the abusers spiel keep that in the forefront of your mind. You can do it. He's gone. Just stick to it now. Contact women's aid too, they will help and advise

Hope you are ok op? X

I don’t know what to do about our shared child, obviously the question do him seeing them has already arisen, I’ve said no, but how long can I keep that up? I’ve been through the court process with my ex partner re: custody and I’m sorry to say, but I do not trust the court system or cafcass to protect my baby.

I don’t trust them either. But you need to call the police for exactly this reason. The more you document now the better.

OP, I’ve been through court. If it’s documented he is domestically violent you will not be forced into mediation, you may be entitled to legal aid. If your daughter has seen it, it demonstrates to a court he can’t act responsibly in front of children. But unless you phone and make a record of it, it is he said she said.

Do it. And once you’ve done it, go and be kind to yourself, even just for an hour. It’s a lot to take in and you’ll need some time

He's not worthy of your love - he's abusive towards your daughter and yourself. It's your daughter people naturally feel sorriest for because she has no choice in this situation (and if you gave her one she might choose whatever age thought made you happy/what you wanted rather than what would truly suit her).

But to reiterate - he's not worthy of your love; he has scared, bullied, intimidated and victimised your daughter in her home, he has damaged her property.

And it sounds like this behaviour has precedents,like it usually does.

You're not going to stop him or change him, oy one solitary persoj on this planet can do that .. him. And he's not going to, abusers change (permanently) so so rarely that you'd have more chance of winning the lottery.

Your concerns about access to your shared child are understandable but all you can do is build your case.
Are you breast feeding at all, that could stop.overnights.

Have you spoken to WA and/or Rights of Women about how to best her him out and prevent unsupervised access?

*get him out