Worst story of cheating - but have I over stepped?

[CUniverse]

This is a very long story, I will start with the back story as condensed as possible.

I became pregnant after 1 year whirlwind relationship with someone I split up my previous relationship for. I was living Amsterdam at the time where he is from, but moved back to the UK 6 months in.
When I found out I was pregnant, I stayed in the UK, and he was saving money to move with me and we were due to live there.
He arrived when I was 6.5 months, everything was great and we were happy. It turned out though that the 3000 euro he had supposed to have saved for us and baby, he gambled away on online poker so he came empty handed. I funded everything.

Slowly, he started to become recluse, and disappeared after work instead of coming home so that he could find places to play poker, in casinos or online.
When I discovered this, I tried to urge him into GA, he went a few times, but eventually he was suicidal and depressed so I recommended he return back to the Netherlands. Our daughter was 1 by this time.

He went back, and after 3 months decided that he wouldn't return back to the UK, he hated it and missed his friends and family. Therefore the plan was to move there with our daughter. We did this, but it took me a year, long story.

He promised he had stopped gambling and was in a good place. Within weeks of arriving he went straight back into gambling, and also speaking to other women. During this time he was emotionally abusive and even struck me 3 times. I had an abortion because of how badly he treated me. The final straw was the fact that he slept with someone one random night, so I broke it off.
I was determined to stay in Amsterdam but eventually would find somewhere else and move out into my own place with my daughter, then suddenly he found a new girl, one week after I broke up with him on tinder. He told me he was in love with her instantly and that he wanted me and our daughter to leave the house for a week, so that she could move in and work from our place for a few days. This was within 3 days of meeting this girl on tinder. I refused to allow this, and he verbally abuse me to the point where I had to flee the country with our child. He knew we were leaving but he didn't care.

Within 6 weeks, he had broken up with the tinder girl and was begging from to come back, saying that he was depressed and didn't know who he was back then and wanted to give us another go. Of course I objected. For a whole year he tried everything, gave up gambling, became selfless instead of selfish and really showed me he was ready. So I told him I would consider returning mostly for our child.

By May 2020 we were locked down together in Amsterdam and I was working from home there and became pregnant. We were happy about it and he thought it was just what we needed to finally cement the return of our relationship.
I was reluctant to put a label on us though and said I needed time, because I was traumatised from what happened between us before. Especially the physical abuse. But he really seemed like a changed man, and in fact, he had a terribly childhood, so we put it down to that, and he said he would get therapy to address his issues.

In August we went on vacation everything was wonderful, and by September, something changed.

I went back to London for a couple weeks and I sensed something was off. I asked him outrightly, if he was seeing someone else while I was in London still.
He told me no.
I arrived in Amsterdam a week later, and checked his phone while he slept. It was almost completely clean, except he left a tiny piece of evidence, along with blonde hair all over the house and I managed to get a confession out of him after pressing him for a few days.
He had met the girl 3 weeks earlier and was sleeping with her. He told me he did it because I wouldn't go publicly official to our friends and family with him. He felt neglected and stressed after a year of trying to get me back.

I made up my mind there and then that I would get my revenge for him doing this too me again. In addition, he slept with her without protection and slept with me too, before the confession thus putting my health at risk which I couldn't forgive.

This is where it gets twisted.

I told him id forgive him and stay, for the sake of our kids and that I loved him. This was a lie, I was just plotting how to get him back.
Things went great the following weeks, I was acting the part of loving and forgiving girlfriend very easily. At some point I caught him on WhatsApp with the girl ( he had told me they had cut contact). She was pursing him, crying etc.. saying she was in love with him and heartbroken that he had too end it with her.
I took a huge step evading his privacy after this and I managed to install his WhatsApp on my laptop, so I was practically spying on every convo he was having. Eventually I told him he should meet up with her one final time and end it because i had to travel back to the Uk and I didn't want him to see her while I was gone.. or more like, I wanted to test if he would, knowing I would be able to see their convos.

When they met up he came back and asked me if I would consider a 3 way relationship with the two of them. Me being the primary. I told him I would consider it when returned from London.
Of course I had no intention to do so, but just wanted to see this girl face to face, (sick I know) so we all met up, discussed things, and well it was painful, but at the end, I told them they were not to see one another while I was away and I would consider the 3way after I had the baby.

While I was there, I was still connected to his WhatsApp as I mentioned and saw they had met 3 times. Which he lied about to my face.

Upon returning though, he ended it with her and said he wanted to focus on his family. Due to the fact that he met up with her while I was away, again displaying how little he respected me, I was driven even further by seeking revenge, so much that I didn't let on that I knew anything. So all these months of knowing what he has been up to, he is none the wiser.

The current situation is that he wants for sure that I move here permanently to Amsterdam once baby is born (in London) with our other child and we buy a new house, and start a fresh... however, of course, there is no way in hell I can do this after all this deceit. I cannot believe how badly I have allowed myself to be treated.

So, because I told him I had forgiven him, I was finding it impossible to go back on my word without admitting that I was spying the whole time. So I have been creatively (insanely) thinking of other ways out... of ways that will allow me to break up with him and him not having any power to force me to stay.

One night, after not checking his actual phone for a long time, I saw he had a dating app installed on his phone, but only once. after 6 consecutive days of checking, I didn't see it anymore. But I initially did check his phone because he was acting weird again all of a sudden.
So, I decided to re install the app I saw while he slept, and then I saw he was speaking to multiple women for 6 months, but had not met any of them. This inspired me to make a fake profile, with photos of a friend of mine he doesn't know.
He matched with my profile and is planning to meet up with this girl on Friday ( I am going back to the UK tomorrow for Christmas)...

Now, if you have gotten this far you may think this is the craziest story ever (and I have missed some crazy bits out)...and may be thinking I am insane for staying and more insane for spying...however, when you're with someone who won't let you go, it is so so so very hard to get out. Especially as his family are all so adamant that I give him chance after chance, and he guilt trips me constantly with his issues and tells me I am the only person who can make him happy. I know I have over stepped by spying on him this intensely, but, I became desperate. It has been a horrible few months being pregnant and dealing with all these revelations that I have made myself privy to by having so much access to his privacy.

I expect to be scolded and told how wrong I am and that I have overstepped, but, for the first time in months I finally feel like I can throw this at him (planning to meet the girl on the app) and he will accept that I can no longer stay with him after this and give in. I don't know how I will expose the fact that I know he has planned to meet a girl, but at this point, I just need to get out.

You had a clear indication, 18 months into your relationship with him, that he was and would be a terrible father and utterly useless partner when this happened:
"He arrived when I was 6.5 months, everything was great and we were happy. It turned out though that the 3000 euro he had supposed to have saved for us and baby, he gambled away on online poker so he came empty handed."

He had a child on the way and chose to gamble rather than provide her. He has another child on the way and has chosen to gamble rather than provide. Even ignoring that he has treated you atrociously and there is no way for this not to spill over into the family dynamic, his addiction is reason enough. You should do nothing to facilitate his relationship with his children. He does not, possibly cannot, give them the priority a parent needs to.

If he wants to come visit tell him he will need to find somewhere to stay, at his own expense, and that he will need supervised contact (use your very supportive family for this - don't do it yourself). Do not let him come on Tuesday to see you or your daughter. Do not let him attend the birth. Cut as many ties as you can. He is bad news for you and bad news for your children.

My God @Thehouseofmarvels your situation does indeed sound unbelievable.
I think people seem to forget what kind of people are out there. I came from a stable home and family, and granted never had to deal with trauma as a child at home, but have always been empathetic to those who have. As I mentioned, there are parts to this story that are even more unbelievable, but I have omitted them because people will really find it hard to imagine it is possible for people to behave the way he has, and his family too.

The reason I posted last night was to get some insight into the ways I was stooping to his level and needed to be told a few truths about how my actions are affecting me and thus affecting my daughter and baby I am carrying because I was finally getting out. I knew I would get some rude comments, but still, it is shocking how insensitive some people can be when you have been through such a terrible time out of no fault of your own other than being involved with someone who revealed himself to be someone you never imagined he could be.

Hope that your situation with your mother in law works out... and that you become free of her @Thehouseofmarvels

As for me, I will eventually open up to people about the abuse... I just find it so hard to because no one will expect that I accepted it. No one will expect that I waiting until the 4th time of him hitting me and stepping on my head to leave. That will find it out of character. Of what they know from him and me. I just try to shove it far into the back of my mind as possible, although, when I get flashbacks of it, it almost physically hurts as much as it did when it happened.

He actually told me the first 3 times he hit me he has blacked out and doesn't recollect them at all, aside from the last time. How convenient. If I were to go ahead and tell people, he can just say, "oh, I can't remember" and as for the last time he was violent, he does remember it but says that he was deep in his addiction then and really wasn't himself and that I should have known and not had an argument with him while he was on edge. So he blames me for it!

I think you might be surprised what people will believe about the abuse. It often seems very out of character for someone to be an abuse victim but that’s the nature of it. You might find it interesting to read about coercive control.

www.laurarichards.co.uk/coercive-control/

paladinservice.co.uk/

Paladin is headlined as being about stalking but they also can probably advise on domestic abuse and coercive control.

You say that you left the 4th time after he stood on your head, and that your friends and family won't believe you stayed so long. But you are still there? You didn't leave. Also be careful with your language about there things "happening through no fault of your own." You had choices all the way. If you studied psychology, you'll know that denial and not owning your actions is a hindrance to change.

@DianaT1969 I have left.
The first time it was a shove, the second I was a back handed slap, the third he grabbed my throat. By the 4th time, this was when I was out of the door that he really laid into me. Literally happened after I had already broken up with him, had brought my daughter to London to my parents and returned to Amsterdam on my own to collect more of our stuff. Stupidly I went there myself, and all hell broke loose.

So, each time, got progressively worse, and the first two time, I brushed them off because I thought it wasn't "that bad"... this happened in a very short space of time, and because the violence came out of nowhere I guess I was just too much in shock to realise what the hell was going on.

In terms of the 'no fault of you own comment' as in.. being physically abused isn't something to fault the victim for. I did nothing to deserve him hitting me. I wasn't screaming or shouting his face, I was pushing him, I wasn't being aggressive... So, I stand by my comment... Getting hit by him was not my fault. Even though he would say it was.

I would never hit someone.

You need to know that people like this prey on empathetic people. I'm from a lovely home my parents and siblings and the most wonderful people. Very stable married parents. In order to arm myself to the reality of manipulative dysfunctional families I'm literally studying it. A lot by reading mumsnet if I'm honest. My partner had been in therapy for years. Please don't hold back on the unbelievable stuff. Post it because I will believe you. If you think your stuff is unbelievable check this. My partner has agreed that his mother should never meet children we have in the future. I'm going to ask him tonight to get it writing that if he ca t cut her out completely he must not tell her when we have a baby. This is because she will manipulate her way into the child's life. If he breaks this written agreement then our relationship will be over. There will be at least one funeral we will all be attending, and I'm hoping I'm not obviously pregnant at the time or have a baby I cant leave as we'd have an overnight stay. Imagine she finds out my partner has produced a grand child and not told her at her brother's funeral? He also will be under strict instructions not to tell her when we get married or where it is so she cant pressure her way into an invitation. Especially given that a lot of my close family and friends know she is a child abuser and would not want to be in the same room as her.

*was NOT pushing him.

So glad that you are feeling more resolute in your actions. You were very brave to post sharing your intentions to get ine up on him. I think you knew deep down that this was misguided which is why you were seeking advice. I think you have every right to feel upset about his behaviour but now is the time to leave it all behind you. There is nothing to gain from playing games with him. It will only extend the dysfunctional relationship between you. You know that you are better than this. You just needed some validation.

You would be better to ease away gently without a big drama and set up a home for your children in the UK, so that it becomes their habitual residence rather than Amsterdam.

Also, deffo don’t have any more of his children.

@BoomBoomsCousin you are absolutely right. I ofter go back to then and remember how much in disbelief I was and that is when I did se the first red flag, but I just put it down to bad luck because at the time, I didn't know he had a gambling addiction. I didn't know anyone who was a gambler so despite being a red flag, I believed what he told me. It was a one off, and he had a bad bet, and that he felt bad and ashamed about it. I was naive then to what his addictions were. Only in retrospect do I realise that I could have taken a very different path with him even back then.

Luckily he has an aunt that lives in West London (she has lived there for 30 years in the UK), so if he does insist on visiting in the future, he will stay with her and she will facilitate the visits, as we are very close, and she is a massive support to my daughter and I in general.

Only thing is, if I tell her everything about what he has done, I am not sure she will even want him in her house.

He is a real risk to your life OP, don’t ever forget that.

The poor little children dragged through all this shit.

Only read your first post but you both sound like total train wrecks. I feel sorry for the poor children being dragged through this sh!t show.

@CUniverse, sorry, how have you got revenge exactly? It seems that you are just putting up with all his shot and spying on him...but are justifying how pathetic your situation is by telling yourself that it’s for ‘revenge’

He has exactly what he wants, you and all the women he has the energy for. He’s having his cake and eating it.

Stop being a mug, and lying to yourself, put your children first and get the fuck out of there

The best revenge is living well.

Leave this man now and focus on making a happy and stable home for your children.

Well done for trying to get out. My partner with a parent like this has had therapy for years and will likely need it for more. He got into a relationship with a single mother who hit him. His mother beat him every day so he didn't think his alcoholic girlfriend hitting him while drunk was a huge deal. It wasn't every day ? Men can't be domestically abused ? Run and never look back. People who do not remove themselves from these situations are putting their children at risk of repeating history. I honestly think you should be honest with everyone including the aunt as she deserves to know what she is allowing in her house. She deserves a choice and she may not feel safe around a man who hits women. If I found out I'd allowed a violent man in my house and someone didn't tell me I'd be fuming. If I were you I would look into supervised contact as my parents mother has massive form for turning anyone who will listen against anyone she hates. He may try to say negative things about you to your children.

What a silly girl you are, you think you have the upper hand by spying on him for a while? is you who’s been cheated on, kicked out etc and is you who’s been left to raise two kids by a deadbeat father. Stop the games and move on , cut the w...r off completely, he’s got MH issues , big time .You don’t need to say anything apart from : is OVER

Please please either tell his aunt the truth if he is going to stay there. I do not know if any of the other posters feel the same but the idea of a domestic abuser who hits his partner coming into my home and me not having a clue makes my skin crawl.

"but I just put it down to bad luck because at the time, I didn't know he had a gambling addiction"

I know it seems like this is easy to spot with hindsight and that you didn't understand about addiction. And that's all true. But there is another thing you didn't have in this situation and which - from your ongoing acceptance of his behaviour and your consideration on this thread of his continued involvement with you, even if not romantically - you don't seem to have fully developed yet and that is a strong sense of self worth.

You don't have to have an understanding of addiction to think that a man who has a child on the way shouldn't be spending the money she, he and her mother need on his own entertainment. Even if he thought he'd get it back. You don't need an understanding of addiction to realise that was not the act of a good partner or father.

And you kept making these sorts of decisions throughout your time with him. I'm glad you're away now. I'm emphasising this because this whole thread you've talked about how you didn't do anything wrong until September, you have no blame before then. But you have made decisions, time and time again, that did not prioritise the right people. You aren't responsible for his abuse of you. But you are responsible for not making the most of the life you and your child(ren) could have. And you keep showing signs of slipping back into that. It is time for you to stop doing that and for him to start creating the scaffolding needed for him to stay in his children's lives.

I think this is why people have been pushing you to get counseling. There wasn't just one fork on this path. There have been hundreds. And when you managed to break a way for a while you got sucked back in. Nothing you've been saying indicates that you've really understood how much your own decision making has brought you to the position you are in and how vulnerable you are to continuing to make the same mistakes in the future (and maybe not just with this man).

"Luckily he has an aunt that lives in West London (she has lived there for 30 years in the UK), so if he does insist on visiting in the future, he will stay with her and she will facilitate the visits, as we are very close, and she is a massive support to my daughter and I in general."

"Only thing is, if I tell her everything about what he has done, I am not sure she will even want him in her house."

Don't lie for him anymore. It isn't your problem. If his Aunt won't have him in the house, he'll have to try and find somewhere else. Not your problem. Also, if you have any inkling at all that his aunt might act against your interests in any way at the behest of him or his mother, don't let her supervise.

And I think if she asks about what happened and why you split, and you lie to her, minimize the truth or you just say 'things just didn't work out' she could be unhappy with you if the truth ever came out. Tell the truth to everyone. If they distance themselves from him that's not your problem.

stop playing stupid games OP and grow up

but grateful he hasnt blocked you from taking the kids out the country...he could!

move to london and block him on everything. Then get therapy

He is emotionally abusive and you are his victim, and will continue to be unless you stop these silly games and analysis of the situation.

To think that your child is fine and not affected at all is utterly deluded and is a sign of how much control he has over you.

Please put your child first. Don't assume she is fine because, living through what you have described, she will almost certainly be affected even if you think she isn't.

I'm sorry you are in this situation but you seriously need to wake up. I know you have left the country but judging on your history, that means nothing..... WAKE UP! For the sake of your child

Oh and by the way if you think your story is so unbelievable here you go. My partners sister is married to a celebrity. We are aware that she has one child and a soon to be ex stepdaughter. However when you Google the name of this celebrity partners sister is listed as having two children. They have names that are clearly designed to match as a sibling group and there is a date of birth. I have seen an interview where he is described as having three children. My partner said it must be a mistake and wont dream of questioning his mother about it. We won't tell his mother about our kids so go figure. What you are going though where you end up finding yourself in situations that you think nobody will believe? You aren't alone and it's not unique. The behaviour of people like this make these bizarre situations happen. Part of it is cause by people hiding the truth. People trying to hide the truth to protect the abusers reputation sometimes.

OP - you say you left him after he stamped on your head. When was that? I understand from your OP that you were with him this autumn and had a wonderful holiday together. That you popped back to Amsterdam from London to have the chat with his new woman about the threesom.
Regarding owning your role in this - you are being deliberately obtuse. My comment was not that you deserved abuse. Nobody does. It was referring to your previous post where you said you couldn't have expected all this to happen, it was through no fault of your own. Put you were still enmeshed in his life last week and this has been going on for 6 years. To heal and not fall into another abusive relationship, you need to understand what your motivations were and to accept that you had choices. You yourself claimed that you moved away from him several times and had a calm life in the UK.

I don't understand how you had a relationship with this person, let alone have two children who should now be your priority. not him and trying to make him suffer. All your posts are about him, you're obsessed.

Come back to the UK and get on with your life with your children and maybe get some contraception?