Worst story of cheating - but have I over stepped?

[CUniverse]

This is a very long story, I will start with the back story as condensed as possible.

I became pregnant after 1 year whirlwind relationship with someone I split up my previous relationship for. I was living Amsterdam at the time where he is from, but moved back to the UK 6 months in.
When I found out I was pregnant, I stayed in the UK, and he was saving money to move with me and we were due to live there.
He arrived when I was 6.5 months, everything was great and we were happy. It turned out though that the 3000 euro he had supposed to have saved for us and baby, he gambled away on online poker so he came empty handed. I funded everything.

Slowly, he started to become recluse, and disappeared after work instead of coming home so that he could find places to play poker, in casinos or online.
When I discovered this, I tried to urge him into GA, he went a few times, but eventually he was suicidal and depressed so I recommended he return back to the Netherlands. Our daughter was 1 by this time.

He went back, and after 3 months decided that he wouldn't return back to the UK, he hated it and missed his friends and family. Therefore the plan was to move there with our daughter. We did this, but it took me a year, long story.

He promised he had stopped gambling and was in a good place. Within weeks of arriving he went straight back into gambling, and also speaking to other women. During this time he was emotionally abusive and even struck me 3 times. I had an abortion because of how badly he treated me. The final straw was the fact that he slept with someone one random night, so I broke it off.
I was determined to stay in Amsterdam but eventually would find somewhere else and move out into my own place with my daughter, then suddenly he found a new girl, one week after I broke up with him on tinder. He told me he was in love with her instantly and that he wanted me and our daughter to leave the house for a week, so that she could move in and work from our place for a few days. This was within 3 days of meeting this girl on tinder. I refused to allow this, and he verbally abuse me to the point where I had to flee the country with our child. He knew we were leaving but he didn't care.

Within 6 weeks, he had broken up with the tinder girl and was begging from to come back, saying that he was depressed and didn't know who he was back then and wanted to give us another go. Of course I objected. For a whole year he tried everything, gave up gambling, became selfless instead of selfish and really showed me he was ready. So I told him I would consider returning mostly for our child.

By May 2020 we were locked down together in Amsterdam and I was working from home there and became pregnant. We were happy about it and he thought it was just what we needed to finally cement the return of our relationship.
I was reluctant to put a label on us though and said I needed time, because I was traumatised from what happened between us before. Especially the physical abuse. But he really seemed like a changed man, and in fact, he had a terribly childhood, so we put it down to that, and he said he would get therapy to address his issues.

In August we went on vacation everything was wonderful, and by September, something changed.

I went back to London for a couple weeks and I sensed something was off. I asked him outrightly, if he was seeing someone else while I was in London still.
He told me no.
I arrived in Amsterdam a week later, and checked his phone while he slept. It was almost completely clean, except he left a tiny piece of evidence, along with blonde hair all over the house and I managed to get a confession out of him after pressing him for a few days.
He had met the girl 3 weeks earlier and was sleeping with her. He told me he did it because I wouldn't go publicly official to our friends and family with him. He felt neglected and stressed after a year of trying to get me back.

I made up my mind there and then that I would get my revenge for him doing this too me again. In addition, he slept with her without protection and slept with me too, before the confession thus putting my health at risk which I couldn't forgive.

This is where it gets twisted.

I told him id forgive him and stay, for the sake of our kids and that I loved him. This was a lie, I was just plotting how to get him back.
Things went great the following weeks, I was acting the part of loving and forgiving girlfriend very easily. At some point I caught him on WhatsApp with the girl ( he had told me they had cut contact). She was pursing him, crying etc.. saying she was in love with him and heartbroken that he had too end it with her.
I took a huge step evading his privacy after this and I managed to install his WhatsApp on my laptop, so I was practically spying on every convo he was having. Eventually I told him he should meet up with her one final time and end it because i had to travel back to the Uk and I didn't want him to see her while I was gone.. or more like, I wanted to test if he would, knowing I would be able to see their convos.

When they met up he came back and asked me if I would consider a 3 way relationship with the two of them. Me being the primary. I told him I would consider it when returned from London.
Of course I had no intention to do so, but just wanted to see this girl face to face, (sick I know) so we all met up, discussed things, and well it was painful, but at the end, I told them they were not to see one another while I was away and I would consider the 3way after I had the baby.

While I was there, I was still connected to his WhatsApp as I mentioned and saw they had met 3 times. Which he lied about to my face.

Upon returning though, he ended it with her and said he wanted to focus on his family. Due to the fact that he met up with her while I was away, again displaying how little he respected me, I was driven even further by seeking revenge, so much that I didn't let on that I knew anything. So all these months of knowing what he has been up to, he is none the wiser.

The current situation is that he wants for sure that I move here permanently to Amsterdam once baby is born (in London) with our other child and we buy a new house, and start a fresh... however, of course, there is no way in hell I can do this after all this deceit. I cannot believe how badly I have allowed myself to be treated.

So, because I told him I had forgiven him, I was finding it impossible to go back on my word without admitting that I was spying the whole time. So I have been creatively (insanely) thinking of other ways out... of ways that will allow me to break up with him and him not having any power to force me to stay.

One night, after not checking his actual phone for a long time, I saw he had a dating app installed on his phone, but only once. after 6 consecutive days of checking, I didn't see it anymore. But I initially did check his phone because he was acting weird again all of a sudden.
So, I decided to re install the app I saw while he slept, and then I saw he was speaking to multiple women for 6 months, but had not met any of them. This inspired me to make a fake profile, with photos of a friend of mine he doesn't know.
He matched with my profile and is planning to meet up with this girl on Friday ( I am going back to the UK tomorrow for Christmas)...

Now, if you have gotten this far you may think this is the craziest story ever (and I have missed some crazy bits out)...and may be thinking I am insane for staying and more insane for spying...however, when you're with someone who won't let you go, it is so so so very hard to get out. Especially as his family are all so adamant that I give him chance after chance, and he guilt trips me constantly with his issues and tells me I am the only person who can make him happy. I know I have over stepped by spying on him this intensely, but, I became desperate. It has been a horrible few months being pregnant and dealing with all these revelations that I have made myself privy to by having so much access to his privacy.

I expect to be scolded and told how wrong I am and that I have overstepped, but, for the first time in months I finally feel like I can throw this at him (planning to meet the girl on the app) and he will accept that I can no longer stay with him after this and give in. I don't know how I will expose the fact that I know he has planned to meet a girl, but at this point, I just need to get out.

If true you are as much an addict as he is but you are addicted to drama. Leave him. Never think of him again unless to arrange child contact. If you won't do that pls give your children into the care of social services, stop abusing them by dragging them all over Europe to facilitate the life of an abusive addict

Just leave him. Drop the drama. Be a good parent to your children. You do not need anyone’s permission to walk away from a relationship, so what’s really keeping you in it?

Again. I am leaving him. Today! Or have I not said that. Of course I have.

Again. I am not obsessed with him. I do not want to be with him.

The whole point of the revenge thing since September, was out of my disbelief for being hoodwinked by this man after standing my ground for so long. And no... he wasn’t like this is the beginning.

I’m not looking for people to convince me to leave. That was already my intention since finding out he cheated in September, I actually was booked on a flight to leave soon as he confessed and the couple days leading up to it he begged cried and pleaded with me to stay longer and forgive him or he would kill himself.
I agree and pretend I’d stay with him, but only with the intention of punishing him because of how much lying he persisted with in relation to the OW. I realise now that I have gone too far with it, and from the comments I have decided that once I leave today, that will be it.
I will simply tell him that I have changed my mind and no longer feel I can forgive him for cheating on me while pregnant, and that I want a happy and clean life for my children away from him. I will try not to tell him all the ways in which he is an inadequate father, because I know it will make him mad, especially if I bring up the past. I will just settle it with a very clear email, and let him know that I want nothing more to do with him. All the proof I have, I will just keep with me in case it is needed in the future. As for the dating account, I’m going to deactivate it now.

I realise how my behaviour these past months have done me no favours, and maybe I should have opened up and posted about this sooner, to get some perspective. But once I was deep in this plot, it was hard to get out because of how much I saw. Maybe I did become unhinged and obsessed with my situation, but I’m not unhinged in the way that I think anything else can happen other than getting this man out of my life for good.

I just hope that he doesn’t turn nasty. Either way, I will be gone by then.

I think I've read all your posts, but apologies if I have missed something. You say this has been going on for 7 years, and you got pregnant after a year. That means your daughter is approx 5+ depending on the accuracy of your timeline, with another due in Feb (and an abortion in between).

Yes I'm also a bit confused, because the daughter is legally required to attend school from the age of 5 if she lives in NL.

OP does the father actually have gezag? If not, it makes no difference whether he wants to allow the children to leave the country or not (in a legal sense that is, moral and ethical is another story).

Sorry OP, I missed your earlier post about deregistering.

For heaven's sake make sure you have health insurance sorted if you don't leave by NYE.

The guy doesn't love you and you are obsessing over him. Break the toxic cycle come back to the uk and leave him. Delete all his contacts and forget about him. You forgave far too many things that he never stopped doing, he showed you no love or care. Your self esteem must be so low. Child access can be done via a third party if he can even be bothered to make the journey to the uk. You must stop this stupid self destructive game your playing and break free.

Honestly this isn't nearly the worst story of cheating I've ever read on here. To me the worst stories of cheating are wives who have stayed loyal to their husbands for many years, had children with them, and often reduced their financial options and careers to facilitate theirs and then suddenly have the rug pulled under them by finding out about an affair.... Even under such shock these women seem to hold it together to protect their children as best they can....

This man, however. was clearly a feckless disloyal gambling addict before your first child was even born and yet you have continued to participate in this car crash.

I find it hard to imagine the stare of mind a woman could be in to have a meeting with the woman her partner was cheating with to talk about a three way relationship, whether to play some sick game or otherwise. Where is your dignity and self respect?

You say you have a supportive family in the UK and I would ask them to look after your children and give them some safety and stability and go into a residential treatment program with the aim of getting to a point where you can effectively parent them in the future.

My daughter is 4. She should be in school, but we didn’t get any of the 5 schools I applied to back in the UK because we live very slightly out of the catchment area for all of them, so I have home schooling arranged for her, and I’m hoping that she will get a place in February before turning 5, this is what I have been told by the LA. Even if it means getting a school even further away from where we live in the UK.

The weird thing is, had she been accepted into school, I would have never stayed here in Amsterdam this long, because she would have been going to school. However due to her being home schooled and me WFH it allowed us to be here in Amsterdam. I have had most of my antenatal care in the UK, but also some here.
This is another reason I urgently need to return, being 7 months pregnant, I need to be back home. And even though I have found a midwife birthing centre here that have took me in, my intention was always to give birth back home. My partner just wanted us to stay all together here in Amsterdam because he prefers it here and wants me to move back permanently after baby is born.

And me and my plotting also kept me... but I’ve sent them harsh light from all these comments and realise I have to let that go.

Playing games with a violent person will not end well. You really need to find a safe way to leave and reach out for support.

You have a degree in psychology, that surely should arm you with the knowledge you need to know that with people like this man, you cannot win.

Say you get your revenge - will you really feel any better? Will it really erase the 7 years you already wasted? He's a master manipulator, you can revenge plot all you like, everyone who knows him will still get his side of the story with reality twisted in his favour.

I am trying to understand how you care so much about all the people he knows finding out what a terrible person he is, yet you can't bring yourself to tell the people who care about you the most - your parents. If you ever have to prove this behaviour in court, who would you have told? Who will be there to back up what you said?

There is something deeply masochistic about your behaviour. You cannot make this man care - HE DOES NOT CARE. Even if all of Holland knew what a shit he was, he'd shrug and carry on, and someone else would still be willing to sleep with him. Revenge is a huge waste of time, why can't you just walk away and let him blow his own life up on his own - he's got two different addictions and getting no help for them, it'll happen eventually.

@NoMoreMuchin thanks for your assessment but I can look after my children perfectly fine.

When we are away from him, my life is filled with no drama at all. Out of these years, there have been 2 spent away from him and life is great without him as my SO, it’s just after a year of him being so lovely to me, I got myself roped back in again. Completely my fault, however I’m on the way out.

And in terms of the games with the OW, it was not an intention. The fact that he suggested this 3 way put me in such a state of shock I just had to see how far he would take it. I mean... how could he think I would accept that after all that had happened? But he proposed it nonetheless, and I was also curious to see why this OW would want such an arrangement and also wanted to understand why she was so hung up on my partner. Too much curiosity and too much shock for the better of me and clouded my better judgment massively. I should never have allowed that scenario to play out and that is probably my biggest regret in the whole plot because of how badly it makes me look, just as much as him. Again, I was consumed with getting revenge so badly that my decisions were unhinged.

I know realise just how bad getting revenge can be. How low you have to go to get it. I’ve never done anything remotely like this in my whole life, and when my friends all find out, they’re going to be completely horrified, because they wouldn’t expect it of me. They wouldn’t expect that I have allowed the physical abuse either. From the outside, to my friends and family I am strong woman... go figure.

Stop writing novels on the internet and fix your life, goddamn.

Fix yourself before you fuck up your kids.

Why on earth are you wasting your energy on this man.
You need to concentrate on yourself and your children. Leave him to get in with whatever it is he is doing. Eventually you will find a partner and be happy. He will end up alone and sad, surely that is all the revenge you need

Celibacy - may I suggest you try it for the next few years and let this man know it is what you have decided. He will then lose interest. Also it will mean you don't take up with some else like him again. Devote yourself to your children and have a quiet life.

Actually reading it back, knowing I have missed even more crucial points, makes me feel sad to my core. I cannot believe that this story is my life.

Sorry but this is BS, you had way more control over this situation that your statement above suggests.

You are willingly putting your kids through this shit and for that reason I have no sympathy or respect.

You are both as bad as each other, playing silly immature games. Grow up

Stop playing games.

You have 2 children to consider first and foremost.
Split up. You should never have been together in the first place. It has been a 'car crash' from the start.

CUniverse when do you arrive back i Emgland? Good luck with the move, and hope it all goes well

The best revenge is a life well lived. When he sees u happy and settled, then he may realise what he lost. Possibly!

You do realise that you will never be rid of this man don't you?

He's the father of your kids. You may want to destroy him but he is going to be part of your life for a very long time--admittedly less after the first 15 or so years but even when your kids get married or have their kids or family get together etc
He might be the biggest shit going, if he's done nothing to the kids, which you don't mention if he has, he still deserves to be part of their lives and more importantly, the kids deserve to have their father, no matter what shit storm the adults have created.

The guys been a prick with you. No question. However why on earth you put your energies into some ridiculous revenge plot rather than your kids and getting a life they deserve I don't know.

Whatever you do, just remember that he will always be around

I must of missed something along the way, have you overstepped the mark? Well no, as it doesn't really look like you've done anything about him apart from have more children, so well done, you've sure shown him .
Plotting has amounted so far to meeting his potential 3 way, and setting up a fake meeting for when you are away, not exactly big revenge there? I don't actually get where the revenge is, where has there been punishment? Looking at his WhatsApp, reading all he's up to, and still not doing anything about it?
I hope you do go today, and don't go back, somehow in your mind you've done some horrible things to him - maybe you have, that you haven't said on here, otherwise can't see that you've done much. Will leaving him be the best revenge?

Another reason to give birth back home is that you will be (slightly) more empowered to make your own choices than in NL. There is a lot more pressure to have home births than in UK.

@PheasantPlucker1 thanks. I am leaving on the Eurostar today. I feel so relieved already waking up that I am getting out of this mess. And yes, he saw I was living a happy and settled life, hence why he are running back to me last time. I won't be fooled again ever.

I am a little shocked at how people are talking to me, considering that the extent of the things I have done wrong (plotting revenge) spans back only since September. Before that, I had not put a foot wrong in this whole thing.
Even after this man treated me so badly, I still facilitated a relationship between him and our child and his family by bringing her over to see them regularly. I didn't want to be that woman who stopped the father seeing his kid so, despite hating him for all his abuse, I still kept open communicating for him to see our daughter on because he was always good with her, and she always wanted to see him.

AFTER being duped again is when I went down the dark path of revenge, and as bad at it is, for fucksake, in a way, I can't blame myself because what did I do to deserve it again? I walked away, and I was gracious and nice about it the first time. I have a great job, I earned my degree, I was happy in the UK.
My mistake for giving him a second chance resulted in him cheating, and my response to it was revenge... how does that make me such a monster as him as people are suggesting?
I mean, how much can one person take? At some point we all bend and break.
At least I have enough self reflection after these past 3 months to realise it was a pointless plot and have only hurt myself.

All the comments about "poor poor children" I wont even let those get to me because my daughter is a reflection of my parenting and she is a wonderfully balanced child. Only way that would change is if I were to stay with him. Which I am not.

He has hit you, he cheats on you.

Your "desire for revenge" is hurting you far more than it's hurting him. So he sees you at his date and realizes you know he's trying to cheat again. So what, he'll probably ask if you'd like to get involved. Stop thinking you have some kind of superior mind to this man, because he is the one who keeps twisting you around his little finger.

Just think in practicalities. Tell his family "He has hit me, and he has cheated on me, there are no more chances" if you want to tell them anything at all.

Take everything you need, and go home. Tell him it's over. There could be a discussion about whether it's fair to remove from their fathers resident country, but if things go on as they are one of you will probably end up in hospital or prison, I think your priority needs to be getting away from him. Once you are home, don't engage, except for when it's to do with the children.

Cross-posted. I'm glad you're leaving, I hope settling back in the UK goes smoothly.

And don't stress about your dark path of revenge". You snooped on a cheater, you didn't go after his balls with the kitchen scissors.

Have a good Christmas.

@Opentooffers no I haven't done anything to him aside from the spying and setting him up. This is where I have overstepped. The point of revenge was to expose him because he so desperately wants everything be kept secret and begs me everyday not to tell people. I gather evidence so I could show everyone what he has done, and he woudln't have been able to deny it with the proof. Then I was going to walk away from him with the same of it all.

However, I am letting that all go now after reading all these comments. I realise that it won't punish him at all because he clearly does not give two shits about me. Instead I will break things amicably as I did before. I will just look back on these 3 months of madness and chalk it up to being highly emotional, desperate, exasperated and pregnant.

Aside from his mother and one friend, you guys are the only ones that know, so, I can still walk away with my dignity in some respect.

It won't be easy, and yes @baileys6904 I will have to deal with him forever as he is the father of the kids, but at least we won't believing in the same country, and I won't be making the effort bring them to him as I did with our daughter. He will be the one who has to fly back and forth. He has only showed love to our daughter, so that is his saving grace, and I wouldn't try to get in the way of him seeing her because of this.

Your trying to rationalise his behaviour and self doubting yourself which is normal.

He is a abuser and serial cheat who has no respect for you or your children.
You are not responsible for his own failures, you are only responsible for your own.
Is this what you wish to teach your children about relationships?
You are stronger than you believe and you are not a failure if you decide to walk away.

As he is in Amsterdam, contact the local police and file a report. Provide them his flight details so that he can be arrested at the airport. File an restraining order or non molestation order. Change your number.
He will not be able to contact you, your children or parents.
Contact child maintenance and start the process as they can do remo payments.
Get therapy as you will need this to help you recover mentally and emotionally.
Good luck