Worst story of cheating - but have I over stepped?

[CUniverse]

This is a very long story, I will start with the back story as condensed as possible.

I became pregnant after 1 year whirlwind relationship with someone I split up my previous relationship for. I was living Amsterdam at the time where he is from, but moved back to the UK 6 months in.
When I found out I was pregnant, I stayed in the UK, and he was saving money to move with me and we were due to live there.
He arrived when I was 6.5 months, everything was great and we were happy. It turned out though that the 3000 euro he had supposed to have saved for us and baby, he gambled away on online poker so he came empty handed. I funded everything.

Slowly, he started to become recluse, and disappeared after work instead of coming home so that he could find places to play poker, in casinos or online.
When I discovered this, I tried to urge him into GA, he went a few times, but eventually he was suicidal and depressed so I recommended he return back to the Netherlands. Our daughter was 1 by this time.

He went back, and after 3 months decided that he wouldn't return back to the UK, he hated it and missed his friends and family. Therefore the plan was to move there with our daughter. We did this, but it took me a year, long story.

He promised he had stopped gambling and was in a good place. Within weeks of arriving he went straight back into gambling, and also speaking to other women. During this time he was emotionally abusive and even struck me 3 times. I had an abortion because of how badly he treated me. The final straw was the fact that he slept with someone one random night, so I broke it off.
I was determined to stay in Amsterdam but eventually would find somewhere else and move out into my own place with my daughter, then suddenly he found a new girl, one week after I broke up with him on tinder. He told me he was in love with her instantly and that he wanted me and our daughter to leave the house for a week, so that she could move in and work from our place for a few days. This was within 3 days of meeting this girl on tinder. I refused to allow this, and he verbally abuse me to the point where I had to flee the country with our child. He knew we were leaving but he didn't care.

Within 6 weeks, he had broken up with the tinder girl and was begging from to come back, saying that he was depressed and didn't know who he was back then and wanted to give us another go. Of course I objected. For a whole year he tried everything, gave up gambling, became selfless instead of selfish and really showed me he was ready. So I told him I would consider returning mostly for our child.

By May 2020 we were locked down together in Amsterdam and I was working from home there and became pregnant. We were happy about it and he thought it was just what we needed to finally cement the return of our relationship.
I was reluctant to put a label on us though and said I needed time, because I was traumatised from what happened between us before. Especially the physical abuse. But he really seemed like a changed man, and in fact, he had a terribly childhood, so we put it down to that, and he said he would get therapy to address his issues.

In August we went on vacation everything was wonderful, and by September, something changed.

I went back to London for a couple weeks and I sensed something was off. I asked him outrightly, if he was seeing someone else while I was in London still.
He told me no.
I arrived in Amsterdam a week later, and checked his phone while he slept. It was almost completely clean, except he left a tiny piece of evidence, along with blonde hair all over the house and I managed to get a confession out of him after pressing him for a few days.
He had met the girl 3 weeks earlier and was sleeping with her. He told me he did it because I wouldn't go publicly official to our friends and family with him. He felt neglected and stressed after a year of trying to get me back.

I made up my mind there and then that I would get my revenge for him doing this too me again. In addition, he slept with her without protection and slept with me too, before the confession thus putting my health at risk which I couldn't forgive.

This is where it gets twisted.

I told him id forgive him and stay, for the sake of our kids and that I loved him. This was a lie, I was just plotting how to get him back.
Things went great the following weeks, I was acting the part of loving and forgiving girlfriend very easily. At some point I caught him on WhatsApp with the girl ( he had told me they had cut contact). She was pursing him, crying etc.. saying she was in love with him and heartbroken that he had too end it with her.
I took a huge step evading his privacy after this and I managed to install his WhatsApp on my laptop, so I was practically spying on every convo he was having. Eventually I told him he should meet up with her one final time and end it because i had to travel back to the Uk and I didn't want him to see her while I was gone.. or more like, I wanted to test if he would, knowing I would be able to see their convos.

When they met up he came back and asked me if I would consider a 3 way relationship with the two of them. Me being the primary. I told him I would consider it when returned from London.
Of course I had no intention to do so, but just wanted to see this girl face to face, (sick I know) so we all met up, discussed things, and well it was painful, but at the end, I told them they were not to see one another while I was away and I would consider the 3way after I had the baby.

While I was there, I was still connected to his WhatsApp as I mentioned and saw they had met 3 times. Which he lied about to my face.

Upon returning though, he ended it with her and said he wanted to focus on his family. Due to the fact that he met up with her while I was away, again displaying how little he respected me, I was driven even further by seeking revenge, so much that I didn't let on that I knew anything. So all these months of knowing what he has been up to, he is none the wiser.

The current situation is that he wants for sure that I move here permanently to Amsterdam once baby is born (in London) with our other child and we buy a new house, and start a fresh... however, of course, there is no way in hell I can do this after all this deceit. I cannot believe how badly I have allowed myself to be treated.

So, because I told him I had forgiven him, I was finding it impossible to go back on my word without admitting that I was spying the whole time. So I have been creatively (insanely) thinking of other ways out... of ways that will allow me to break up with him and him not having any power to force me to stay.

One night, after not checking his actual phone for a long time, I saw he had a dating app installed on his phone, but only once. after 6 consecutive days of checking, I didn't see it anymore. But I initially did check his phone because he was acting weird again all of a sudden.
So, I decided to re install the app I saw while he slept, and then I saw he was speaking to multiple women for 6 months, but had not met any of them. This inspired me to make a fake profile, with photos of a friend of mine he doesn't know.
He matched with my profile and is planning to meet up with this girl on Friday ( I am going back to the UK tomorrow for Christmas)...

Now, if you have gotten this far you may think this is the craziest story ever (and I have missed some crazy bits out)...and may be thinking I am insane for staying and more insane for spying...however, when you're with someone who won't let you go, it is so so so very hard to get out. Especially as his family are all so adamant that I give him chance after chance, and he guilt trips me constantly with his issues and tells me I am the only person who can make him happy. I know I have over stepped by spying on him this intensely, but, I became desperate. It has been a horrible few months being pregnant and dealing with all these revelations that I have made myself privy to by having so much access to his privacy.

I expect to be scolded and told how wrong I am and that I have overstepped, but, for the first time in months I finally feel like I can throw this at him (planning to meet the girl on the app) and he will accept that I can no longer stay with him after this and give in. I don't know how I will expose the fact that I know he has planned to meet a girl, but at this point, I just need to get out.

It takes two people to start a relationship but only one to end it.

As long as you care what he thinks, or how he feels, or what you do to him, you aren't free of it. Start as you mean to go on and just leave. And never go back.

Even if you expose what he has done to his friends and family, they will likely support him and listen to his version of events. There is no guarantee that you exposing what he has done will make them view you leaving as justified. You need to understand and accept that in their eyes, he will be right and you will be wrong, and that you cannot change this, despite the facts.

As others have said, you shouldn't need to get revenge on him. That is purely all for you and you will likely be disappointed. What you should be doing is focusing on creating a life with your children away from him. That is subsequently the best revenge ever and you'll be doing it all naturally.

Please please don't think you need to expose him - you know the truth and he will bend any facts you present anyway. You can't win with a liar. Walk away now with your head held high. Good luck x

He's been porking some blonde, whilst in the midst of a cocaine addiction, and with a long-standing gambling addiction - the man, as much upset/damage as he's caused you, is not well. Leave. Forget the revenge. His addictions/lifestyle choices will get him in the end, anyway.

What are the timelines for your DD living in UK & Amsterdam?

UK - up to 2 years of age
Amsterdam - 2 years to now?

How long is that? Because if its more than 12 months, you REALLY need to let him come to the UK and live there for awhile so that you can say that you are now domiciled in the UK.

Otherwise he with the help of his mother, can legally force you to return to Amsterdam.

Maybe a good place to start over is to invest this (ridiculous) amount of mental and emotional energy you are currently poisoning your lives with into enjoying your kids. I dont know how you've had the tenacity to stay the course on this revenge project-it is toxic. Whether you remain in the ashes or become a phoenix is up to you.

@AIMD

I really hope this is a fake post. Sorry if it isn’t Op it just all seems so extreme. If this is all true then I feel really sorry for the child, soon to be children, stuck in the middle of this complete and utter mess.

Personally if I were you I would stay in London and look at setting up a home there for my children. Then tell him the relationship is over because he’s clearly not going to change and because the children deserve some stability!

The plotting is a bad idea and you don’t need to find reasons to leave him because you have plenty of reasons from the last few years.

Yes, this. Entirely this. And please, please, please, OP, get some counseling with a good professional. You need it as much as he did. This extreme amount of spying (no matter how justified it may have seemed to you) speaks to a degree of obsession. As does your inability to simply say, "ENOUGH...we'll go our separate ways."

But I do wish you well. I was, many years ago, caught up in a relationship somewhat like that, although (thank goodness) there were no children getting caught in the crossfire. I know how hard it can be, but it can be done, and you can be a stronger, more healthy person moving forward.

I feel exhausted reading your posts. I feel sorry that you would even consider continually getting pregnant by somebody who is clearly unstable and clearly not into committed relationships. I can only conclude all this game playing and drama is a fake post

Do not take the kids back to Amsterdam. Enrol them in daycare or some kind of actual recognised childcare/early learning centre in the UK ASAP. Because of The Hague Convention it is actually quite likely that your kids would get returned to the Netherlands if you are not VERY careful. I think you need to show proof of his infidelity and drug use - also the cult stuff. Any abusive behaviours, etc. Tell everyone that you can. If his mum is telling him his rights, she has done her research. I think you need to suddenly be too ill to travel back to NL. (Ever again.) Don’t bother about your stuff or pay someone to pack for you. I am an Aussie who was living in NL and contemplated leaving my DH while we were there. In the end I stayed because the kids were considered to be Dutch residents (despite all being Aussie citizens) as they were all enrolled in Dutch schools, and subject to Dutch law and would have been repatriated back to NL.

It may be a fake post, it certain ring alarm bells for one...and if it isn’t fake OP that should tell you something. In case it is all real, I think you should reconsider telling your parents. I will bet they can cope with a lot more than your realise. Yes they will be upset but they will rise to the challenge of supporting you. I think you will need them to know the reality and support you in order to get through all you have to deal with. If you don’t tell them you reduce your chances of success here and I think they would hate that more than knowing the truth. You also need to be honest with yourself about how you have responded and what you have experienced, if you are going to move past it, and lying to them won’t help with that. Do everything you can to free yourself from his influence and the toxic spell of all this...get it into the light so to speak and don’t hide anything.

This man doesn’t love you or care about you, I doubt he is capable of those feelings or commitments toward any partner. I doubt he hates you either, he doesn’t respect you, and is just very messed and selfish, and you have had to deal with the fallout. I am sorry for him that he had a terrible childhood, but that doesn’t really excuse or explain all his behaviour and you can’t help him with his problems. If you let him back in your life, it won’t fix him, all that will happen is that you and your children will become casualties of him and his problems too, when that doesn’t need to happen.

Don’t worry about what happens to him or what he ‘gets away with’. It isn’t important now, you don’t have time or mental space for that when you have to be determined and get away. He is a total mess, and he seems able to destroy himself without any help from others. Don’t mistake him having had the power to hurt you with him actually being a powerful or happy person.

I would wait until on UK soil to inform him what you have decided. If need be get legal advice, and get yourself booked in for antenatal care. Tell them you might need an std check.

Seriously - what the fucking planet are you on?

This man is a shit who will drag you down.

You've known that for years.

Leave him.

You should have ditched him years ago.

I honestly despair at posts like yours.

You've known he's a shit but you have children with him and keep bouncing back to him.

Where the fuck is your self respect?

Make a plan (where to go, what you need etc).

Get important documents (passports, financial records etc), and go....

Others make a good point that legally it may not be as simple as you just leaving him. You may actually be guilty of child abduction as you’re misleading him over the circumstances of your return to the uk.

Also I know you want your revenge but just know that the bigger and more over the top your “revenge plot” is, the easier it will be just to write off your behaviour as the “crazy ex” to his friends and family.

You see people telling you to seek help as an insult but I really think you should get in touch with women’s aid and get some therapy to examine why you are still seeking permission to leave this man when he has treated you so badly.

You aren’t married, it shouldn’t be that complicated.

Don’t mention the cheating, gambling or cocaine. Just say you don’t fancy him anymore. There’s no argument to that.
The children will have a relationship with their father outside of your situation. The sooner you think of yourself as single the better.

I am so sorry for you and the life you have had for the last however many years. But I beg you now, please stick to your guns, and leave him later today!
You really should also tell your parents, I am a mother of adults and I have really suffered with them over certain things, but I was strong enough, and I hope and believe that my support has made their troubles a little bit easier. You protected your parents from the worst, by not telling them at the time how bad your life was, but they can cope with the pain you suffered as you are no longer suffering that level of pain anymore. They will be so helpful in keeping him away from your front door, and even more so in encouraging you not to waiver with your decision to leave. I promise you that they are strong enough, and would be so saddened if they knew you felt that you couldn't be honest with them.
Good luck OP, I know that you can do this for your children, yourself, and your loved ones. I wish you and your loved ones a peaceful, and healing Christmas.

I know a couole who have split yp in amsterdam but who cannot leave as in is under The hague convention and the court has ruled that it is their home. Be bloody careful. Not that you will be

You need to be very careful about leaving him. I also think you should take steps to get residence with him in the U.K. for a while. Not ideal at all. Lean on your family for the long game.

I struggle to understand having studied psychology you didn’t think to get therapy yourself. This is key to finally purging this man from your life

@Leflic being married or not makes absolutely no difference under Dutch law. OP is legally considered to be his partner. UK and Dutch laws re marriage and children are VERY different. To leave the Netherlands with kids is going to be VERY difficult if the father or grandparents kick up a stink. It may be easier to convince the father to waive legal rights if he doesn’t have to pay maintenance.

Btw, living in the UK for a bit you could use Covid as an excuse not to come back to Europe maybe....

If this is real, you sound like you are the grip of a Cult yourself

The cult of him

[quote justilou1]@Leflic being married or not makes absolutely no difference under Dutch law. OP is legally considered to be his partner. UK and Dutch laws re marriage and children are VERY different. To leave the Netherlands with kids is going to be VERY difficult if the father or grandparents kick up a stink. It may be easier to convince the father to waive legal rights if he doesn’t have to pay maintenance.[/quote]
I wasn’t referring to the children with regards to marriage. You have a better idea about that.

It was the Op not wanting him to get away with his behaviour. It never seemed he gave a shit really. She was just handy to come back to when the other bits of his life weren’t working.

Oh, there is no doubt that he is a psychopath, but OP’s choices leave a hell of a lot to be desired also.

Come back to the U.K., report the situation to the police and social services. If he’s hit you infront of the kids this is child abuse and social services wouldn’t let him move back in with you.....or if he did move back in they’d look at removing the kids. This would give you the strength not to let him back into your life.

If you do let him back in your life you are failing your children by not safeguarding them. Kids have a right to feel safe, not to grow up in an abusive household. Put them first.

What would you tell your daughter to do if she was in this situation?

Don't tip him off you're not coming back. Just get on the train and go.

Tell your parents! Text him one text that you are done and not to come there. Then block him. Don't reply to him or talk to him. Delete or suspend all your social media and change your phone number.

Sign up for the Freedom Programme
Read the book why does he do that
and the gift of fear, if you haven't already.

I would focus on telling your parents OP, just a basic overview of the situation but let them know you're feeling scared, vulnerable, ashamed and that you want their support to help you to move on. There will be a lot practical and emotional help they can give you, but it's also really important that you seek legal and professional help as well. Women's Aid will be able to signpost you regarding where you stand legally in relation to keeping the children permanently with you in the UK and the steps you could take.

I sense that you're hypervigilant from everything that's happening around you, and catching your partner out as a cheat feels like a sensible way to shine a light on how bad he is so that you're justified in telling him not to come to the UK and stay with you until your baby is born. I would try to let all of that go right away, stop putting your energy and thoughts into all of that. It is futile and degrading. Instead, focus on your kids and your own wellbeing. Think about the happy life you can build for you and your kids, and the best thing is that starts today. This man has no part in that.

Yes, you need to think do you want your kids growing up thinking this sort of relationship is ok? That you have to put up with being treated like this or that it’s ok to treat others like this? Because that’s the message they will get and then potentially repeat it in their own relationships as adults.

Don’t get mad get even !!
Nonsense , Don’t get even, get out .
So he’s a habitual liar , cheat , gambler and cocaine addict . Yet you seem to be struggling to think up reasons to get out of the relationship.
Fuck sake , do what you need to do , take back the control in your life , and stop acting in such a ridiculous manner . Spying on him , what for , really , you know he’s a cheat . You sound incredibly immature . Why even allow yourself to get pregnant with him , you knew what you were getting into .
Leave this pathetic piece of shit . If you can’t do it for you , do it for your DC . They are the innocents in this shitstorm . No kids deserve to be raised in such a toxic environment . Get a grip !