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Original poster

He doesn't want to tell ex-wife about us

26 replies

PuffinAir · 15/12/2020 16:07

Ive been with my boyfriend around a year, both several years divorced with kids. We've had our challenges, not least fitting in seeing each other around our time with kids. We haven't met each others kids yet though it has been discussed.

This week he asked me if my exh knew about him and I said yes (only recently). However I know he hasn't told his ex wife about me yet. I haven't pushed it as we don't live together etc but at what stage should she know? She seems quite demanding, phones him when we're together to moan or ask for help or money (she doesn't work and is financially dependent on him). My ex phones at times too but there isn't the same dependence or drama. Their divorce seems to have been quite acrimonious and she seems to use access to the kids as a bit of a weapon.

Should I be concerned? Or just enjoy the relationship and wait until we are in a position where we would want to meet kids, possibly live together etc which may not be for a while.

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 15/12/2020 16:13

I wouldn't be happy if dp had wanted to compartmentalise me from his children (and by extension, his ex) for a year.
It sounds a bit like he's still quite entangled with her at the moment.

Do you feel like you want to meet children / move in with him any time soon? Or are you happy keeping things as they are?

Aprilx · 15/12/2020 16:24

Seems a long time to have not told the ex wife. I would have thought that would be done fairly quickly even if the children don’t know.

monkeymonkey2010 · 15/12/2020 16:55

He's been divorced several years but still not created boundaries with his ex?
She still effectively dictates his life?

i'd tell him he either tells her soon and sorts out the boundary crossing - or its over. cos it won't get better if he doesn't......

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 15/12/2020 17:02

You are essentially his secret. She weaponises their children. He supports her financially. He hasn't created boundaries. You have a responsibility to model healthy relationships to your children and to have expectations for your boyfriend. Personally I would end the relationship unless you want to play second fiddle and have a lot of drama

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 15/12/2020 17:04

Urgh my exh was like this. His ex dangled his dd when it suited. Our relationship was micor managed by her life. Give him a timescale op. Second to his dd fine. Not trailing obediiemtly behind his ex and her rules and regs.

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/12/2020 17:14

A third wheel by proxy and still financially dependant on someone you intend to take it to the next level with?? Zero chance I would proceed with that.

He's a wet blanket OP and that's not going to change.

LionLily · 15/12/2020 17:18

I wouldn't wait until you have moved in together, the opportunities for saying 'fuck this shit, I'm out' become limited at that point.
I would want her told now really. Her reactions will give you a glimpse into the future.

Hawkins001 · 15/12/2020 17:18

What would be gained by his ex knowing ?

TicTacTwo · 15/12/2020 17:22

I think it's strange that the kids don't know that
dad is dating after a year and if the kids are told that then the ex should hear this from the dp.

I'm not saying that the kids should meet op but they should know he's dating before the question of meeting op is discussed

TicTacTwo · 15/12/2020 17:23

Actually it depends on the ages of the kids. I forgot that they could be very young so the dating knowledge is irrelevant. Apologies.

category12 · 15/12/2020 17:26

Why is she still financially dependent on him if they're divorced?

That's going to pose massive problems in the future if you are thinking of living together, and it's quite unusual - what's the story there?

I'd be concerned if you're wanting this to turn into something more than dating.

movingonup20 · 15/12/2020 17:35

Seems very odd to me. I told my exh the week I met my dp that (after many duds) I thought I might have found a keeper, he has always done the same (partly due to living a few minutes walk apart, we could easily meet accidentally out). Dp told his ex straight away too, recently she told him she was dating again. Perhaps we are unusual but it's all very amicable, my ex was even meant to be staying overnight but lockdown 2 happened

TwentyViginti · 15/12/2020 17:39

Do not make plans to move in with this man. He is too enmeshed with his ex.

She'll make your life hell and he won't stop her.

Graphista · 15/12/2020 17:41

3 possibilities

1 She really is a nightmare and this will likely ramp up when she knows about you - red flag

Or

2 He's still stringing her along/keeping her on back burner - red flag

Or

3 he's a total wet blanket with poor boundary control and lacks assertiveness

Whatever the case I'd not bother tbh who needs the grief?!

FelicityPike · 15/12/2020 17:45

A year and you’re still a secret? Not good.
Have you met any of his family or friends?
Are you REALLY sure they’re not together?

Topseyt · 15/12/2020 17:53

Are you completely sure she is an ex and they are actually divorced?

He might still be with her and you are his bit on the side, even if unintentionally and through deception.

Original poster
PuffinAir · 15/12/2020 18:10

@Graphista it feels like a combination of 1) she is a nightmare and 3) he is a 'wet blanket' but I look at it more as she seems likely a bully and abusive. She makes his life hard, demands more money than divorce agreement, refuses to work etc then threatens to reduce access to kids if he doesn't comply. He has said he may take her to court but he is finding it hard to keep challenging her.

I dont think that he has any romantic interest in her, he divorced her several years ago. I guess he did love her once though. She has a new on/off boyfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuffinAir · 15/12/2020 18:12

Yes they are definitely divorced, seen the paperwork and she's on social media with her new boyfriend.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/12/2020 18:15

It's quite unusual tho for him to still be supporting her, I thought these days the preference is for a "clean break" financially.

I can't see it working if he's going to roll over and give her money etc on demand. You'd grow to resent it.

If she pisses about with contact, he ought to take her to court.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 15/12/2020 19:15

It annoys me men like this put themselves into the dating pool, because if he's financially and emotionally entwined with his ex wife and hasn't established a healthy co-parenting relationship, why does he feel entitled to have a relationship with another woman? You see a lot of it on here. You got into the relationship with good intentions, but I'm sure this isn't the kind of toxic situation you want to willingly involve yourself in. Unless you want a fwb situation it sounds like he shouldn't be looking for a girlfriend and you need to have higher expectations

Graphista · 15/12/2020 22:39

Yea I think you're better off cutting your losses! Neither of them are likely to change in any meaningful way, they may be divorced they are clearly still enmeshed though and that is at least partly his choice!

Way too much stress and drama!

litterbird · 16/12/2020 10:02

My friend is going through this, his ex is an absolute nightmare.....its been going on for some time now. It doesn't make for a good relationship I am afraid as the ex will bully him for a long time. You might need to reconsider this relationship if you are still a secret after a year.

Audreyseyebrows · 16/12/2020 10:06

Make the most of her not knowing. Dh ex was vile when he told her about me. She said some really awful things.

londonscalling · 17/12/2020 01:27

Realistically he probably just wants a quiet life and knows she will give him loads of grief. Part of me is wondering why he needs to tell her anyway. It's none of her business if he has a new partner. However, if you think it's time she knew, then he needs to man up and just tell her!

Sunflower1970 · 17/12/2020 03:08

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

It annoys me men like this put themselves into the dating pool, because if he's financially and emotionally entwined with his ex wife and hasn't established a healthy co-parenting relationship, why does he feel entitled to have a relationship with another woman? You see a lot of it on here. You got into the relationship with good intentions, but I'm sure this isn't the kind of toxic situation you want to willingly involve yourself in. Unless you want a fwb situation it sounds like he shouldn't be looking for a girlfriend and you need to have higher expectations
Are you saying this man doesn’t deserve to move on with his life and find love again even though his,ex wife has?????? #baffled