Why would a man choose masturbation over sex?

[Howilliknow]

Don't get it?
My DH and I have never had the best sex life (I've had a fantastic sex with previous partners) and he's always put it down to his low sex drive.

We went a long time without sex, before we both wanted it again a couple of months ago, we did it quite a few times, but I noticed he kept going limp which had never happened before.

He then told me he'd masturbated quite a lot and thought he had become desensitised. He told me he would stop masturbating.

It had now been about 3 weeks since we last had sex and I've just found a crunchy pair of boxers in the laundry basket covered in cum stains.

Clearly he prefers maturbation.
Why?

Masturbation is a purely selfish act.
He doesn't have to worry about pleasing you. He can do it when the mood takes him. Maybe porn stimulates him more than you do. We don't know. You need to confront it.

Don’t make the assumption that sex is always better than masturbation.
If it’s with someone you don’t find attractive etc then masturbation is much better. You can please yourself imagining who you want to be with etc

Basically because it's easier to climax that way

It's quick and easy, with no thought required as to pleasing another person.

Death grip?

Same reason I do.
Quicker, easier, less hassle, no prep, cleaner, can focus on myself - don’t have to please someone else etc

Sometimes you have an itch to scratch. Could someone else scratch it for you - sure, but it might not be the right pressure, the right spot etc

Because you then have to take another person's needs, wants, feelings, energy, mood , health and schedule into account.

It's faster, less effort, you can focus only on your own needs or on a fantasy, it's a different kind of satisfaction to partnered sex. Lots of perfectly reasonable reasons. Many asexual people still masturbate.

Try not to focus on monitoring his wanking and focus instead on whether your shared sex life is where you both need it to be. This may have effects on his private one - as PP say if he has become accustomed to a death grip he may need to take a break and/or retrain himself - but masturbation doesn't ultimately mean anything about whether the person does or doesn't want sex with someone else.

Sometimes I might prefer to masturbate if I’m not feeling “sexy” but am feeling horny... so I want an orgasm but maybe feeling bloated and think I’ll look fat, or I haven’t shaved my legs or pubic hair etc. I know my DP wouldn’t care and finds me attractive regardless (and we do often have sex when I haven’t groomed etc!) but if I wasn’t feeling “sexy” and “attractive” I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the sex, I’d feel too self conscious. So not necessarily about feelings towards the other person but feelings about yourself. As others have said, masturbation is quick, easy, a release. It’s not comparable with sex imo.

If he’s jerking off he only has to please himself, not you.

It's easier and quicker especially if he's tired.

He may prefer it to the fear of going limp. I wouldn't jump straight to him not being attracted to you. The psychology of sex is a lot more complex than that.

Easier, quicker, don’t have to worry about the other person. Sometimes it’s a release that doesn’t come from sex. Sex and masturbation are very different in my eyes.

PMO - porn, masturbation, orgasm - addiction is a thing. Porn is hugely stimulating and can mess with dopamine receptors etc in the brain, leading to addiction and escalation of the extremeness of what is watched over time. Real life sex, bodies, acts (e.g dress up) is rarely as visceral in comparison and doesn't satisfy. Look up nofap online for an idea of some of the effects and communities of, predominantly, men trying to deal with it.

Look up death grip to understand how long term masturbation can reduce sensitivity and lead to ED issues.

If it had been a long time with no or very very infrequent sex he may just be trapped in this habit.

Alternatively it may just be the view that it is less effort to just sort himself out than risk rejection or have to wait for appropriate time and mood where you will be up for it.

Bring it up and have a conversation about it. Why does he do it? Does he think its an issue? Does he want to be with you more?

Because he doesn't have to deal with pleasing you or contend with any emotional involvement. Pretty grim for your relationship, honestly.

Could be loads of reasons. If he's decreased sensitivity so much that he can only orgasm through masturbation, then presumably he was horny. But in general, could be:
-easier, faster, less work

• worry about pregnancy
• worry about STIs
• doesn't fancy the potential partner
• less messy
• using it to get to sleep and wants to be alone after

The list could go on forever.

Oh, and performance anxiety. That's a common one.

Don't you ever have a wank op? It's totally different to sex

Going limp during sex is usually down to performance anxiety. It happens to all of us men sometimes. One of the causes (counter intuitive but true) can be going too long without, you have to concentrate on not cumming too quickly so you focus your mind on something very unsexy and this can cause things to flag.

If he is masturbating regularly then i would question the assumption that he has a low sex drive, I think you need to look closely at performance anxiety and possibly depression. Might he feel that he does not satisfy you? Why do you say sex with him is not as good as your ex's? Have you discussed your needs and shown him how to meet them?

Don't be sidetracked into a discussion about masturbation, all guys masturbate and it is not an indication of a lack of interest in sex with their DP. Personally I have considerable doubts about the death grip argument which is widely advanced on here - I have masturbated regularly for almost 50 years but this does not stop me wanting sex with my DW, they are two different activities.

Did he leave cum stained crunchy boxers in the laundry knowing you'd be the one washing them? Grim. Or did he leave it in a basket he would usually do and you just happened to get there first?

Wanking is totally different to sex, it's about a physical release rather than a mind and body experience.

I can't imagine wanting to shag a man who thought I was designated cum boxer washer though.

Such a weird thing to do instead of using a tissue or something, just wiping the cum up with boxers and plopping them in the laundry for someone else to pick up. I assume he isn't 15.

I don't think this is a libido issue either. It sounds like something about it being an act between the two of you is the issue. Given it was never great I'm guessing performance anxiety or low confidence. Have you ever explained what you like and encouraged him when he is pleasing you? Maybe he has never learnt what to do and just feels nervous so prefers it alone.

It’s quick, easy and takes mins. It is usually just like taking a shit to a man, having an empty out so to speak. It is a very different thing to sex.

Maybe he doesnt fancy you ! Not meaning to be rude but that’s why a man would rather wank

Don’t be so ridiculous Skyla2005.