To cut her off or not.. that is the question

[ineedabreak1]

Hello - I've posted this in AIBU already - but I think it's best posted here. Apologies if you've already seen it.

Please excuse me for how this is probably going to sound. I'm well aware it sounds completely childish and can't deny that. It's embarrassing!

So I have been friends with this particular girl for around 10 years now, alongside some other close friends. Known each other since our school days. She has always been a difficult person to get along with. When things are good they're great, and when things are bad it's awful. She gets verbally abusive, throws around accusations and nasty nasty words, and gets very personal to spite you.

Usually when she turns on me, I've done absolutely NOTHING wrong. I can hand on heart say that. She is invited to everything we do because she gets very cruel if she believes to be left out (even though she's got two children to take care of, under the age of 6) we are frankly scared to even consider doing something as a friendship group without her.
Recently she send me vile and extremely hurtful abusive messages because she believes that I've been ignoring her and deliberately leaving her out. This is not the case. I haven't left my home in over a week due to having to self isolate.

I cant even begin to explain the hurtful things she's done to both me and my friends in the time we have known her. Think along the lines of trying to seduce my friends husband, sending him naked photos and verbally abusing us constantly.

The other week, she completely smashed up her home whilst arguing with her on / off partner. She punched holes in the walls, the kids were in bed. It was 3.30am. She called me, and guess what. I went running over to see if she's okay. I tired and cleaned after her and settled the children down again whilst she went off trying to find her boyfriend that had left the home and driven away.

Fast forward to last week. Same kind of thing happened. She was in pieces after another argument with her partner. Absolutely hysterical and crying down the phone so guess who went round again to comfort her. I was there until 12 midnight feeding the kids dinner, bathing them and getting them into bed whilst she sobbed and screamed and tried to smash the house up again.

It's been a good few days now, I've not heard a word from her. Not a thank you (don't expect one) or anything. She has been in a group chat with my friends and I for years as we find it the easiest way to keep in touch. Last night at 1:40 she wrote a long message in the chat. It woke me up and so I opened the app, and noticed that she then immediately deleted it. Today she has been writing indirect statues on sucks media about friends that don't care, don't bother or are selfish and that she deserves better than that.

I wrote 'good morning happy Monday' in our group conversation this morning (there's 9 of us in this group and it's so much easier than individual messages) and she left the conversation.

It isn't necessarily this that upsets me. I think I saw it coming. She has always been hard work and I don't know why I put up with it like I do. It's draining me and If I'm honest I feel I only stick by her because I feel so utterly sorry for the children.

I know this sounds like high school drama with the whole 'social media' and group chat stuff, but it is the only way we can all keep in touch as we all lead very busy lives.

I guess I'm asking, what on earth do I do now.

Thanks in advance for any guidance.

Your friend is unwell to the point of it being so very very toxic to herself and everyone around her. I’m amazed she hasn’t come to the attention of services.

You can’t fix this. She needs professional help (though good luck to her getting it)

It sounds like she’s really starting to drain you? Which I’m not surprised about - she’s completely out of control.

Carry on as you are. Acknowledge all the others in the group as you would ordinairly do and leave her to her melodramatic flounces. Why on earth all of you have continued to feed and enable behaviour such as hers is astounding. Think of it like this, if you had a child would you encourage them to keep a friendship, (and I use that term lightly) such as the one you've described, going? No? There's your answer. Have a little more self respect and set some personal boundries. No one should treat anyone as you've described, especially if they consider them a friend.

Oops sorry

I think I’d make an online referral to SS and I’m afraid I’d be walking away. This has been going on for years, it’s not going to get any better. It’s not fleeting, it’s not temporary, snd you’re all walking on eggshells around her.

You have to cut her out of your life. She is toxic. And if that means you have to step back from the other friends in order to avoid her then so be it. You can make new friends. Trust me.

I've seen this scenario many times and the toxic friend never improves. The only way is to step away. I did that with one such friend when we were 16 and she wouldn't let the others talk to me so I had to start all over again with new friends but my gosh it was the best decision. My new friends were wonderful and I was MUCH happier.

Ten years later at a school reunion the others all had stories about how toxic friend had got much worse over the years: tried to break up their marriages etc. They told me they wished they had walked away as teens when I did, instead they'd stuck it out into their twenties. Some people are just bad energy.

It's hard so best of luck whatever you do.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun yes I completely agree. The SS are aware of her and the kids. She has been reported by others including one of my close friends within our social circle who was also there the first time she smashed her house up.

I am completely drained of it. And I have to be honest; this is downplayed a HELL of a lot.. if I was to add anything further it would be quite outing.

@mumsie8 thank you. I agree. I suffer with anxiety myself and the way she makes me feel is awful. I know what she's capable of (without going too much into detail she holds several restraining orders against her, set by previous ex's or ex friends as she goes to extreme lengths when things deteriorate.. such as driving to their home and shouting and screaming, throwing bricks and stones at houses etc..)

You need higher standards for who you allow to be in your life. You should have cut her out years ago.

Block her.

You have to put yourself first. If others will keep in touch with her they can pass on that you have a lot going on in your own life and have to protect your MH.

She doesn’t sound like she’ll accept genuine professional help at this stage anyway so I wouldn’t bother trying.

It’s very sad, particularly for the DC and good SS are aware.

YOU come first In your life though so walk away with zero guilt.

@Aquamarine1029 yes I agree. I wish I saw myself in a better way but I don't always put myself first. I fully recognise that I should.

@DowntonCrabby thank you. I need to walk away. It's been going on far too long. It's got worse and worse. She's still to this minute plastering crap all over her Facebook about 'shit friends' etc. It's draining me. It's affecting my relationship now too as I'm always so on edge with her / worried she's going to text or call.

She's psychotic.

Those poor kids.

Op, go and block her from everything right now. There's no reason to keep dragging this out. Just do it.

Thanks all. I'm just concerned that she will turn her awful behaviour onto me. I've witnessed her do awful things.
She knows where I live and work (obviously) and I don't want her over here screaming and throwing things at my home.

What if you just back away from her slowly? Reducing contact bit by bait? Make up an evening course that keeps you too busy to engage? COVID should make it easier to avoid people right now. Just say it's that? She sound frightening. I feel for you.

I'm just concerned that she will turn her awful behaviour onto me.

If she does, you immediately call the police. The police are clearly very familiar with her.

She sounds horribly abusive - cut her off if you can. You and your friends will be MUCH happier. Good luck! X

Thanks all.
I know if sounds so childish but she really does scare me. She's one of those people that it's easier to be nice to and include and try with than it is to exclude and cause an issue.
I'm just very worried.

@Aquamarine1029

I'm just concerned that she will turn her awful behaviour onto me.

If she does, you immediately call the police. The police are clearly very familiar with her.

This.

No more enabling someone who is dangerous. Her poor kids, at least they are on the radar of authorities but bless them they must be so scared of her if all the adults around her are too.

@youvegottenminuteslynn absolutely agree I don't want to enable her to run my life like she does any more. Everything she does we come running to help. I'm sick of it and the anxiety she gives me when she kicks off. Yes he children are who I feel so terrible sorry for.

I don't know what to do. I know this makes me sound weak and feeble. I know what I WANT to do. I don't want to be friends. I don't want the drama, the agro and the manipulative behaviour. But how do I go about this.
Do I straight up send a message and say I've been thinking, this isn't good for either of us ask I want out?
Do I begin to slowly distance myself from her?

How do I do this?! I'm so scared. 😢

Tough love time, sorry...

It is absolutely disgraceful that a group of eight women have been enabling this horrific behaviour by remaining friends with someone behaving how she does - she is abusive to her children, to her friends and the her family.

Yet she's been in a whatsapp group sharing daily messages and calling in favours and you've been running around after her facilitating this abuse by doing things like going over there at all hours on command.

It's ridiculous and has allowed her to continue abusing everyone around her

You need to disengage. If you all want to stop being friends with her then do it in numbers and support each other in the fallout.

If you don't all want to stop being friends with her then you'll have to deal with the consequences individually.

Yes it's awful when you're scared of someone but you've all let this go on for years despite knowing she is abusive and does things that make her children terrified.

I don't know how you can even look at her let alone say 'when it's good it's great' - not the case for her kids! Poor little things.

I think if you email her and say "I've had enough", this will just feed the drama. I'd just make myself unavailable and slowly back away.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I can completely understand what you mean. Honestly i can. But I can't share even HALF of the things she's done in this thread. It's way too outing.

We stay because the children are cause for concern. I stay because I sorry to hell and back about them and their welfare.

I anonymously called SS today so it's logged. My friend also did the same.

I think pps are right. If you send a statement, she will have something to fixate over. and work herself up over. She's blocking you at the moment, so that's a good thing. As they said, make yourself unavailable and back away quietly.