To cut her off or not.. that is the question

[ineedabreak1]

Hello - I've posted this in AIBU already - but I think it's best posted here. Apologies if you've already seen it.

Please excuse me for how this is probably going to sound. I'm well aware it sounds completely childish and can't deny that. It's embarrassing!

So I have been friends with this particular girl for around 10 years now, alongside some other close friends. Known each other since our school days. She has always been a difficult person to get along with. When things are good they're great, and when things are bad it's awful. She gets verbally abusive, throws around accusations and nasty nasty words, and gets very personal to spite you.

Usually when she turns on me, I've done absolutely NOTHING wrong. I can hand on heart say that. She is invited to everything we do because she gets very cruel if she believes to be left out (even though she's got two children to take care of, under the age of 6) we are frankly scared to even consider doing something as a friendship group without her.
Recently she send me vile and extremely hurtful abusive messages because she believes that I've been ignoring her and deliberately leaving her out. This is not the case. I haven't left my home in over a week due to having to self isolate.

I cant even begin to explain the hurtful things she's done to both me and my friends in the time we have known her. Think along the lines of trying to seduce my friends husband, sending him naked photos and verbally abusing us constantly.

The other week, she completely smashed up her home whilst arguing with her on / off partner. She punched holes in the walls, the kids were in bed. It was 3.30am. She called me, and guess what. I went running over to see if she's okay. I tired and cleaned after her and settled the children down again whilst she went off trying to find her boyfriend that had left the home and driven away.

Fast forward to last week. Same kind of thing happened. She was in pieces after another argument with her partner. Absolutely hysterical and crying down the phone so guess who went round again to comfort her. I was there until 12 midnight feeding the kids dinner, bathing them and getting them into bed whilst she sobbed and screamed and tried to smash the house up again.

It's been a good few days now, I've not heard a word from her. Not a thank you (don't expect one) or anything. She has been in a group chat with my friends and I for years as we find it the easiest way to keep in touch. Last night at 1:40 she wrote a long message in the chat. It woke me up and so I opened the app, and noticed that she then immediately deleted it. Today she has been writing indirect statues on sucks media about friends that don't care, don't bother or are selfish and that she deserves better than that.

I wrote 'good morning happy Monday' in our group conversation this morning (there's 9 of us in this group and it's so much easier than individual messages) and she left the conversation.

It isn't necessarily this that upsets me. I think I saw it coming. She has always been hard work and I don't know why I put up with it like I do. It's draining me and If I'm honest I feel I only stick by her because I feel so utterly sorry for the children.

I know this sounds like high school drama with the whole 'social media' and group chat stuff, but it is the only way we can all keep in touch as we all lead very busy lives.

I guess I'm asking, what on earth do I do now.

Sending something will just kick off the drama. Just distance yourself. Put your phone on silent at night time, don’t answer her calls ever.

Thanks everyone. I'll do that. I was considering sending a very kindly worded message to say I can't deal with it all on top of my own life.. but I'm happy with ignoring. Like you have said - that way there won't be so much drama!

I think you are right. You might send it as a kindly worded message, but she wont read it that way. And ignore any "trash talking" on Facebook, from the sound of it people already know what she's like and are probably just keeping a low profile themselves.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff yes I think you're right. She flits between friends continuously. Just before lockdown she had not one kind thing to say about a particular lady - was really cruel. But since and during lockdown she was glued to her hip!

What is it in you that feels the need to keep on with her melodrama?

You can walk away you know.

Please do it for your own family's sake. And your own mental health.
Otherwise, this you know, she will destroy you and them.

@Iflyaway it's not here that I feel I need to stay for. It's the poor children involved.
I hate drama. I can't stand confrontation or arguments.

You don’t message her - that is opening up a dialogue. You just simply shut the door snd move on.

Hi all.
So
To update:

I have received a text from her today, asking to meet up, and complaining that she feels nobody cares or has made any kind of effort with her. Turns out my other friend has decided the exact same message. Word for word.

I don't know what to say or do now. I know I don't want this anymore and I want a better life for myself without the drama.
Any ideas?! 😬😩

You either reply and stay strong, or ignore and stay strong.

If you reply you can be honest or you can lie, it's that simple I guess - could say you're going through personal stuff / covid symptoms etc. But sounds like that might be delaying the inevitable as she'll keep chasing.

This is the issue as all of you have kept engaging in the cycle of her behaviour for a decade, she has no reason to think you'll all stop speaking to her as she's behaved appallingly before and still had support from you all.

So it's going to be rough whatever you do next but worth it to get her out of your life I think.

Do not engage with this person. Do not try and explain anything, it will only be distorted, misread, deliberately misunderstood, twisted and fired back at you. You would be opening up a minefield of abuse.

She is unwell, her children are in danger and SS should know about all this, and some sort of help is needed for all of them. Stay away.

'New phone, who's this?' xD
Seriously though, don't reply at all.
Block her even.

If you want breathing space then tell her you need to isolate and feel unwell for now.

Also deactivate SM accounts for a while, so you don’t see her nonsense.

I’d just rip off the band aid.

Like a pp said you abd the rest of the group have been letting her behaviour slide for a decade - there are no easy answers here and it’s going to come as a huge shock to her as these issues she had are entrenched and she’s used to people supporting her.

That’s not to say I dint think she deserves support - she does, everyone does - but you cannot help her untangle what’s going on here and figure out a way forward. If her behaviour was a brief spell snd out of character that would be a different matter - but it’s not. There’s some deep stuff going on her, some likely cluster b stuff and some learned behaviour and some trauma response stuff - only professionals can help here (if she and those still around her are luckily enough to actually get that support - I doubt it), but it’s not your job to do so. She has massively overstepped the boundaries of acceptable friendship expectations again and again and again...for a decade.

Rip it off snd then you’re going to have to block - everywhere you can think of, and continue to block by whatever legal means necessary until she gets the message.

Cut her off. You've given her ten years of your life in which to abuse you. Thats enough. You've tried and this is an entirely one way street. It only enables her if she doesnt experience any consequences for her own self absorbed behaviour. She sounds like she may well be ill, perhaps has a personality disorder or bipolar or something like that... people can and do cope well with these things in treatment and can be wonderful friends but it doubts like this person will not acknowledge her behaviour is ever wrong and instead blames everyone around her... theres nothing you can do here anymore really... if this is causing you enormous amounts of stress I think its time to cut her off. Friendship is deposed to be enjoyable and mutually supportive... not just a state in which you give and give and give to someone who doesn't even appreciate or even seem to emotionally benefit from it in any way! You did all that for her its like its not even registered with her. I think its time to call it a day for your own sanity.

Dont send her an explanation or statement about why you are no longer interacting with her just block her on every chanel and do not engage... if you say anything she will use it for more drama and for her victim narrative.. or think that its an opportunity to emotionally manipulate you back into the friendship.

What Lala said. You have the absolute right to just cut her off. Completely, this has gone on far too long. Any threat or harassment you call the police immediately. She's a fucking psycho and it's not your job to sort that out.

Bloody hell, glad you reported. I hope she gets help and her children are safe. You did the right thing without a doubt but I totally understand why you had been treading carefully previously.