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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Remember me? 17 years and my husband walked out....

48 replies

WTFis2020 · 14/12/2020 09:44

Well I’m still in limbo.
He’s at his Mums, he ‘left me and not the kids’
Thinks he can just make plans to come and see the kids here, in the family home at the drop of a hat.
Zombie eyes, no emotion.
Throws the odd scrap at me ‘well I wanted to come hone but you wouldn’t have me back’
Can’t say what his plans are for the future, says I’m being awkward for wanting planned dates for him to see the kids.
He’s a cold, horrible stranger that has no concern for anyone but himself.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 14/12/2020 11:15

Yes I think I remember your thread before - so he’s been gone a little while. Do you think he’s depressed or has someone else? Hope you are looking after youFlowers

Annasgirl · 14/12/2020 11:19

Hi OP, I remember the title of your last thread but not the full story.

I think you need to get a solicitor involved so that your ex realises that he cannot come and go as he pleases, even if it means you have to move home. I live in Ireland and usually the mother, if she has been primary carer, gets to remain in the house (although with the stipulation that it will be sold and divided if there are no other assets, once the youngest leaves school) but in those cases, the exH cannot come and go as if he still lived there. I realise it is different in the UK but you need to find out what your rights are and stop pandering to him.

Good luck.

MyOwnSummer · 14/12/2020 11:40

Hi OP, I remember your last thread.

Did you ever get to the bottom of what he really wanted the loan for? Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Chamomileteaplease · 14/12/2020 11:45

I hope you can get through to him that set arrangements are the best course of action for all of you.

It will also help you in your recovery.

If needed, get some help here on managing to refuse to have him in the house: handovers at the door, kids all ready to go etc. He chose to leave so he has to see that that means no nice times in the family house which is now your home, not his. It's his problem now to sort out where to go.

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 14/12/2020 12:01

Loan was for Spanish property which is currently going through.
Divorce papers ready with solicitors, which I will ask them to send early in the new year.

OP posts:
SpaceOp · 14/12/2020 12:21

I remember. As I recall, the bit that you couldn't get over (for good reason) was that when he left he sat the kids down and told them he was off, with zero consideration for their feelings? So I'd be laughing hollowly at the "left you not the kids" line now. Are the kids willing to see him?

Obviously I assume you have to work out the financials etc and I am not sure who gets the house (you get the house, he takes the new spanish property!?!) but yes, not sure why he thinks he can just swan in to hang with the kids in your home. As his mother lives close by, kids can go to him there surely? Or he can take them out?

Did you ever get an answer on why he made this huge decision out of the blue, acted on it and then changed his mind.... all in the space of a few days?

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 14/12/2020 12:42

No answers other than he was angry at me for suggesting that something was going on with - his suspicious behaviour. Said he was just being stubborn.
Got the odd text to ask to try again but no effort or fight. I told him I don’t want him back so now, in his head, it’s me that’s ended it all.
He’s a joke.

OP posts:
SpaceOp · 14/12/2020 12:47

God, can you imagine living with someone who storms out, breaks the kids hearts every time they feel a bit hard done by? It's sad as it sounded like until this you'd been okay, but it is very difficult to imagine a situation where you can just forgive and forget, especially as he really doesn't seem to understand what a bit deal it is.

It's not entirely comparable. But DH and I had a massive massive fight about 6 weeks ago and some things were said, mostly by him. We have both been trying hard since then etc. But about 2 weeks ago, when DH was saying all these lovely lovey dovey things to me I had to say to him that it made me really uncomfortable because just a few weeks ago things had gone very much the other way. And, here's the kicker, he got it! He understood. He accepted it. He respected my feelings. He isn't expecting me just to move on.

oldshoeuk · 14/12/2020 12:51

Zombie eyes, no emotion, fishing for a way back. Sounds to me as if he has complete crushing depression and desperately needs help from someone. Can you talk to his mother?

Dizzy1234 · 14/12/2020 13:03

I remember you OP, sorry to see you are still suffering, your H is a dick, ban him from the house you don't have to put up with him coming and going.
Divorce the bugger and be done.
Chin up, tits out, you got this OP ❤️💐

madcatladyforever · 14/12/2020 13:08

That's horrible OP really awful. I know the zombie eye thing well, my ex husband had them, there was another woman he was madly in love with and he just didn't want to look at me any more or connect with me in any way. I had no idea but I've since found out.
We have no children together thank God but usually if they just go blank like that after a very long marriage - mine was 20 years they are in the throes of passion with another.
He didn't look so zombie eyed when he was dumped but by that time I'd had quite enough of him and made the divorce go through.

soopedup · 14/12/2020 13:12

Push the divorce through and with it an agreed schedule of contact. He can’t just come and go as he pleases

ImproviseAdaptOvercome · 14/12/2020 13:17

Zombie eyes, no emotion describes my ex who is a Psychopath who ended up in jail. Dead shark eyes and emotionless doesn’t necessarily mean depression.

Im so sorry you are going through this . Can you get some support as to how best to prevent him from coming and going whenever he fancies? It’s not ok and you and the DC should not have to endure this.

TheWernethWife · 14/12/2020 13:45

Sorry you are going through this shit OP. My friends partner has recently left her with a 2 year old and a baby born in September and is now in a relationship with a woman who has two kids with her ex partner. He swears blind that he's just met her (he's moved in already).

Doesn't want to see his children or pay for them, obviously they can live on fresh air, twat

YoniAndGuy · 14/12/2020 13:50

Yep he's a joke. I remember your thread.

Don't let that become the narrative.

'No, you did ALL this. We were fine, you smashed it all to pieces. Own it. You can't undo what YOU DID and you are furious at that. Don't be pathetic as well by trying to pretend that it's someone else's fault. Live with your actions.'

willowmelangell · 14/12/2020 13:53

All I can advise is don't sit around waiting for him to turn up. Do not put your life on hold. The first time you say 'no' will be the hardest. After that it gets a little bit easier each time.
Have a social life, enjoy hobbies, visit places and get the dc out of the house. Difficult now of course but in the near future.
Change the locks too.
Him turning up to an empty house a few times should cure him of random visits. Then when some sort of schedule is sorted, get the dc to answer the door wearing their outdoor coats and shoes.
Very best of luck OP I hope things get better for you.

Lovemusic33 · 14/12/2020 14:08

I remember your thread, was this the dh that left but didn’t know what he wanted and was messing you around some what?

If so then yes, you need to sort out days and times where he can see the kids rather than turning up whenever he likes, yes it’s the family home but he chose to leave and can’t expect you to put up with him walking in and out when he wishes.

BloggersBlog · 14/12/2020 14:10

Yes I remember your thread. I hope you and the dcs are ok.

But if he wants the narrative that you ended it, then good! Nothing wrong with deciding after his messing around with telling your kids it is over (am I right in that?) that you called time on it.

It shows you wont be walked over and you view yourself as worth more than the cold offerings he gave you

workshy44 · 14/12/2020 14:10

I remember it too. I suspect the OW backed off or changed her mind, hence the half hearted attempts to come back.
I don't think you have any choice but to proceed with the divorce
He sounds pissed off that things didn't work out the way he expected

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/12/2020 14:17

I also remember your thread, @WTFis2020 - glad he's not back in the house and that you have the divorce in hand.

Did any further evidence of an OW surface or is he still maintaining innocence? Not that it really matters, tbh, his behaviour has shown how little regard he has for you and your DSs' feelings, so far better to get rid of him.

Not sure why the Spanish property is going ahead? Is he planning to move over there still?

CyberPixie · 14/12/2020 14:25

My dad left my Mum after 56yrs a week ago. Also an emotionless, selfish prick.
I have to laugh though, my mum did everything for him. He doesn't even know how to warm up soup. He's still trying to get my mum to sort out a bank account for him and a mobile phone because he has no clue. They have a nerve don't they!

You can do this, stand up to him and start afresh. 💐

warmandtoasty2day · 14/12/2020 14:27

@oldshoeuk

Zombie eyes, no emotion, fishing for a way back. Sounds to me as if he has complete crushing depression and desperately needs help from someone. Can you talk to his mother?
With all due respects his mental health isn't ops' problem. op doesn't need to engage with anyone regarding that. this is about her and the dc, which is possibly why no one has commented.
Original poster
WTFis2020 · 14/12/2020 14:42

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I also remember your thread, *@WTFis2020* - glad he's not back in the house and that you have the divorce in hand.

Did any further evidence of an OW surface or is he still maintaining innocence? Not that it really matters, tbh, his behaviour has shown how little regard he has for you and your DSs' feelings, so far better to get rid of him.

Not sure why the Spanish property is going ahead? Is he planning to move over there still?

Oh yes! A good old email hack found a hotel stay for four days after he left us (I mean why would he not want to stay in a 5* hotel suite after living on a camp bed for a few nights) Then the following week an email to collect his chlamydia medication (but hey, that’s for a secret Santa present for a bloke from work)

Apparently I am mad for linking those two things to him walking out on me 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Ismellphantoms · 14/12/2020 14:52

"A good old email hack found a hotel stay for four days after he left us (I mean why would he not want to stay in a 5* hotel suite after living on a camp bed for a few nights)
Then the following week an email to collect his chlamydia medication (but hey, that’s for a secret Santa present for a bloke from work)

Apparently I am mad for linking those two things to him walking out on me 🤷🏻‍♀️"

Worst excuse ever! Chlamydia medicine would just be a generic antibiotic, it won't say Chlamydia treatment on the packet! He's certainly tried to take you for a mug, but you clearly aren't.