The Silent Treatment - preferred weapon of the narcissist

[WiseOwlWan]

My parents have been giving me the silent trreatment since may when i told them to stop labelling me. My father projected all his low self esteem issues on me and ive carried these labels in the family narrative for 35+ years. At least.

Somebody bump the stately homes thread!!
After decades of not hearing me two main methods;

1. naught to sixty reverse martyr beast
2. the silent treatment

They have successfully managed to NOT HEAR me for decades. But they are angry i shouted at them recently.

Omg. You just have to give up. I have to give up

Embrace the peace op.. Ime having the wrong sort of dps and removing them from your life is very liberating..

In a text book example of projecting, my father literally went to a psychiatric hospital to be treated for paranoia. I was labelled paranoid for decades by my own family. I am not paranoid. I was a people pleaser.

It'd be hard to imagine a clearer example of projection

My stbxh is king of the silent treatment. People who use this form of punishment are absolute arseholes

Thanks. 2021. I will not try to get through to them. I have relegated them.

Well done parents. They relegated themselves from important family members whose opinion matters to passersby.

@Bence69

My stbxh is king of the silent treatment. People who use this form of punishment are absolute arseholes

They are arent they?

The silent treatment reveals a lot imo.

It is like an admission. "On one level i know i have no reasonable argument or mo real cause to be angry but im angry ANYWAY"

Thats how i translate the silent treatment now.

I dont hear silence. I hear
"Ive no legitimate reasonable reason to be angry with you but you need to be put in your place."

Silent Treatment is just about control.
Take away their power.
Don't give a shit.

Silent treatment is a manipulation to provoke YOUR emotions which is the fuel that sustains them.

Get your head out of their game by dropping the rope.

Rage as much as you want to process your anger hurt frustration but never to them.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

I am going to drop the rope. But does that mean no contact, or just v l contact on my terms.

It is hard to get this. I want to go vlc.

@Sssloou this is exactly it. They are judging me right now for my "disgraceful behavior" ie, shouting at them. But i feel provoked and goaded. 9 months ive been trying to tell them that asking them to not call me paranoid is not an abuse perpetrated against them
So im not judging myself too harshly for having shouted at them. Yes i could have handled it better. Yes i gave them the moral highground on a purple velvet cushion and they will enjoy this. So i regret shouting at them but im not shaming myself. I forgive myself! Even if they dont. I do. 😭

9 months ive been trying to tell them that asking them to not call me paranoid is not an abuse perpetrated against them

Stop that. Don’t waste another breath. They will never hear you, agree with you or change.

If they are unable to hear you, respect your requested boundaries - stated only the once - then the ball is in your court to take action by putting in consequences. If this is NC or VLC then thats your choice to take yourself out of punching distance.

No one deserves to be gas-lit, mocked, verbally abused and ignore. You deserve to be interacted with with kindness and respect.

Don’t give them anymore of your headspace, energy, time, emotion - redirect all of that to yourself and people who love and care for you.

@Sssloou

Really good advice.

Thank you @Sssloou 🍷
I appreciate that.
I do deserve better.
I am at the point now where i can drop the rope.

X

My counsellor said to think of it like a tiny little bull raging in a tiny little cage. (It actually made me laugh).Dont engage with them ,you dont need this.

Me ex had form for this
We’d usually argue after the summer holiday and one year it ran for 3 months
Then we had the Xmas rows

Such happy times

A bull raging in a tiny cage! Like it.

I went 8 weeks with my stbxh giving me the silent treatment all while I was going through with an abortion. Some men are just utter arseholes x

I grew up with a sulker.

Tbh I find it funny now. If my mother goes into one of her silent rages (which can last months), I savour the peace.

wise you have my parents!! I could have written your post. This is the fifth Christmas that I've not heard from them except for hoovering. They walked out after a visit five years ago, same behaviour patterns, flounced back to Australia. My bewildered seven year old said ' your parents are really grumpy but the argument didn't start today, it started when they walked in the door'. I get all that treatment - the martyr beast stuff (after all we've done for you) to the silent treatment and shunning. I gave up.

They once gave me the silent treatment when I was 21 and in hospital. I'd had back surgery and when they came to visit afterwards I was coming out of the anaesthetic and was cranky with them as I was hallucinating. I told them to go - so they did and didn't come back. They actually phoned my GP to say I'd been rude after the anesthesia and what could doctors do about it. I couldn't even get to the phone for a week to phone them because I couldn't walk! I have never ever forgotten this.

The one that helped me was knowing that although they use the silent treatment to put you in your place,they prove by it that they are more insecure.

And.... less emotionally mature. Less self-aware. Less content in an authentic way.

They'll never be able to have an emotionally mature relationship or be properly able to connect OP. Be good to yourself - and well done for being the opposite. It's a complete curse having parents like this - an utter blight to be born into it.

It is a blight

For me the worst blight is that i have carried the role of scapegoat with me a few times. At the school gates, at work, in a wider group of extended family; there has been one woman who covertly set out to exclude me with the silent treatment while fawning over everbody else.

I had no notion why. Everytime it happened i was shocked as i dont inhibit a group in a domineering way. My goal in a group is that everybody can be themself and that the group not have too rigid a defining identity. I guess. That wasnt conscious. But when i sat, exvluded from a group i gave it thought.

Jerry wise on youtube has some very helpful clips about family systems and he has recommended a few books. Over christmas ill be working myself more!! What fun. I will find time to binge watch crap on netflix too.

But sometimes i feel angry all over again all the work ive had to put in to overcoming the role of tge scapegoat and repairing my low self worth and non existence sense of self because of my parents' denial, projection, deflection. All their ego defense mechanisms are doing a great job. They are happy and united in their blindspot and the only problem is their bratty rude ungrateful daughter. So they dont talk to her.

Yes I'd similar patterns in work. I was such a people pleaser because I'd been trained to be. Look at it this way though: a golden child is trapped with them forever but the scapegoat wises up and ships out. Also you probably have developed an ability to read people well due to your previous mistreatment and that's a skill narcs don't have.

Dr Ramani is an expert on narcissism . Also for general building yourself back up try Dr Rick Hanson's podcasts Being Well: www.rickhanson.net/being-well-podcast/