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Original poster

Do you ever have sex when you don't want to?

56 replies

FortunatelyUnfortunate · 14/12/2020 06:23

For your OH?

I'm struggling with this at the moment. I'm pregnant and my sex drive has completely left me and moved to Mars for the time being.

But I feel bad..?

I've done it a few times because I know DH would like to but I've not enjoyed it and have essentially been internally wishing it over as quickly as possible.

To clarify, he doesn't make me feel guilty, he doesn't even ask. I just know that he's missing intimacy though and so have gritted my teeth a few times and pretended I want to.

Has anyone else done this? I see a lot of people on here who seem like they'd never in a million years have sex they didn't want but is this really true?

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 14/12/2020 06:33

Quite a lot actually. I had some physical issues that left me feeling worried about sex and it took me a while to get over it, still not 100% due to anxiety. I went from someone with a higher sex drive than DP to not caring if we ever did it again. However i love him so i did a lot of fake it til you make it! If i am really not in the mood its a strsight No, no messing though

Koffeekake · 14/12/2020 06:48

I thinks its okay if you are happy to. If people are made to feel guilty or manipulated into sex then that isn't okay.
Sex should be something enjoyed by both parties but it is difficult to be sexually compatible with your partner all the time.
I think its important for your partner to do the things you need in order to become aroused prior to sex, so when you do have sex it is something you both want.
Can you discuss the things that turn you on with your partner and ask him to implement them when he is aroused and you are not?

randommum82 · 14/12/2020 07:32

Yes. Sometimes I don't feel like it because I feel bad about myself etc, but I really enjoy that contact with my DH so even when I don't want to, if he does, I almost always jump in too because I know that during and after I will feel so much better about everything, it's a great hormone boost to get my shook out of my negative feelings about myself.
If I really really don't want to because I'd rather sleep, not because I'm down, then he respects that. But it's a rare occurrance. Usually it's me pestering him, lol!

LilyLongJohn · 14/12/2020 12:53

There was a thread on here recently about 'maintenance shags' quite enlightening

I do 'maintenance shags' from time to time, I do them for my dh, as he has a higher sex drive than me. We don't have much chance for intimacy due to a small house and teenagers, so we dtd when we can. I might not feel like it, but know if I said no that would be fine and we'd carry on with the day as normal (no sulking etc). Once I get going I enjoy it, sometimes it can be a bit like going to the gym, you don't really fancy it, but know once you're there's it's ok and you're glad you did it when you've finished Grin

Koffeekake · 14/12/2020 12:57

Maintenance shag 😂😂😂 that's brilliant

Original poster
FortunatelyUnfortunate · 14/12/2020 12:59

I know it sounds really bad but those saying they enjoy it once they get going... I don't most of the time (at the moment, enjoyed sex before!).

I honestly just wait for it to be done. I don't want to be turned on or have him do anything 'for me' to get me in the mood. Mainly because I'm just uncomfortable at the moment I guess and tired (33 weeks now!).

I sometimes even pretend to have...y'know... So he doesn't feel the need to do anything more for me Blush

OP posts:
User775633244 · 14/12/2020 13:00

I do and will have sex when I'm not entirely in the mood, but I don't have it if I am in any discomfort whatsoever so I suppose I have that boundary. I have been with my husband a very long time though and we have a fairly good idea of when each other is up for it, so that helps.

User775633244 · 14/12/2020 13:04

Cross posted, you're 33 weeks and in obvious discomfort. I don't think you should feel guilty about not having sex, I really don't. He sounds like he understands anyway. You could end up with negative feelings about sex in the longer term if you keep this up.

Caramel81 · 14/12/2020 13:04

I do. I only enjoy sex occasionally and the rest of the time I find it tedious and boring (nothing to do with DP, it was the same with all my ex’s too). I can only orgasm through masturbation so sex does nothing for me other than I enjoy the close intimacy of it when I’m in the mood.
My DP would be really upset if he knew as he would hate to think I’m doing it and not enjoying it. I do it to make him happy because I love him.

PegLegTrev · 14/12/2020 13:06

Sometimes, I usually get into it though.

MeadowHay · 14/12/2020 13:06

Once I get going I enjoy it, sometimes it can be a bit like going to the gym, you don't really fancy it, but know once you're there's it's ok and you're glad you did it when you've finished Haha, I empathise with this a lot! There are rare occasions though when we will give it a go and if I'm still just not feeling it though or am too tired or whatever I will just tell him and we just stop.

Likewise my DH would never pressure or try to guilt me into anything. We had sex about 5 times in my whole pregnancy. Initially I was too poorly with HG for many months, then we had sex a few times but for some reason it was becomingly increasingly uncomfortable/painful for me and after a few more failed attempts I decided I just didn't want to anymore so we didn't. And then didn't have sex again til I was 9 months PP. He survived! Grin

I would never fake anything for DH though. As I said, on the rare occasions if I'm just not enjoying it, I tell him and we will just stop it or whatever. Surely your DH would feel awful if he knew he was having sex with someone who wasn't enjoying it at all?

RantyAnty · 14/12/2020 13:07

Yes, have done maintenance sex.

PickAChew · 14/12/2020 13:08

No.

And I'd want sex even less with someone happy to use me for sex when I didn't want it.

BigFatLiar · 14/12/2020 13:08

I'd say sometimes when I'd rather just sleep, wouldn't say I didn't want to more a case of not that bothered at first. I suspect OH would be more upset if he thought I felt I had to let him, he thinks its something we should both want and enjoy. (We had a similar talk a long time ago about being able to tell each other how we were feeling and sex rather than bottling it up)

Boymumzy · 14/12/2020 13:10

No, I have attempted to do this before now but I don't know, it feels like a complete intrusion.

Original poster
FortunatelyUnfortunate · 14/12/2020 13:11

@PickAChew

No.

And I'd want sex even less with someone happy to use me for sex when I didn't want it.

To be fair, he doesn't know I don't want it. I pretend to because I feel like I'd never do it at the minute otherwise and I feel bad personally. He doesn't make me feel bad. I just do.
OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 14/12/2020 13:14

If I am feeling oh I would rather read a book and have a cup of tea feelings, I often put them to one side think you will be glad you did and join in with DH if he is feeling sexual. I tell him Ok then but you are going to have to warm me up! And he knows what to do ... Grin

But if I am feeling a definite "no" - ill, exhausted, very anxious or very angry with DH, I don't, as that is not good news for anyone involved.

yahyahs22 · 14/12/2020 13:15

Yeah all the time. We're not the most securely active couple, especially as we've got a 7 month old who co sleeps. But when we do, I do it cus I love him not cus I'm in the mood..I never regret it though!

yahyahs22 · 14/12/2020 13:16

Sexually...not securely!!

ravenmum · 14/12/2020 13:18

Like others, I'll sometimes give it a go and then get in the mood as I go along. Rarely I don't get in the mood, and it gets uncomfortable or I just get pissed off, at which point I'll stop and make it clear it's not doing anything for me. At first I felt bad/awkward about doing that, but when I did, my bf basically leapt off and apologised even though it wasn't his fault.

You sound more like you're finding it actively unpleasant but feel like you have to suffer through it otherwise ... what?

BigFatLiar · 14/12/2020 13:18

You may find he feels worse if he finds out you're seeing it as an unpleasant chore. You're pregnant, surely he can manage without sex for a while. Do you still enjoy a cuddle and such?

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 13:20

When I was married I did. But only if I was just not bothered, never if I really didn't want to. I didn't mind having a quick cuddle/shag as it was still nice and would be worth it to feel close, and I'd usually orgasm anyway.
BUT though it wasn't a great relationship at times it wasn't abusive and I never felt pressured to have sex. Abusive and coercive relationships are completely different situations.

madcatladyforever · 14/12/2020 13:22

I should never have been married because I have zero interest in sex. Every shag was a duty shag or there would have been sulking and God knows what carry on.
I'm by far happier now just living on my own and feel no sexual desire ever for anyone or anything and I'm perfectly happy with that.

Echobelly · 14/12/2020 13:22

Yes, but then I almost never want to, I just have no drive at all but I try not to say 'no' too much. Last night was a rare occasion I was in the mood. Wink Usually I find I warm up a bit once we get going - DH notices if I'm really not getting into it and will stop then!

Koffeekake · 14/12/2020 13:25

You should really discuss how you are feeling with your husband and stop having sex when you don't want it as this will impact your self-esteem and you'll feel negativity towards sex