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Original poster

Do you ever have sex when you don't want to?

56 replies

FortunatelyUnfortunate · 14/12/2020 06:23

For your OH?

I'm struggling with this at the moment. I'm pregnant and my sex drive has completely left me and moved to Mars for the time being.

But I feel bad..?

I've done it a few times because I know DH would like to but I've not enjoyed it and have essentially been internally wishing it over as quickly as possible.

To clarify, he doesn't make me feel guilty, he doesn't even ask. I just know that he's missing intimacy though and so have gritted my teeth a few times and pretended I want to.

Has anyone else done this? I see a lot of people on here who seem like they'd never in a million years have sex they didn't want but is this really true?

OP posts:
MeadowHay · 14/12/2020 13:32

DH notices if I'm really not getting into it and will stop then!

Yep, same here. If he has even the slightest concern I may not be having a good time, he asks me and I'm always honest. If I'm wavering over whether to continue or stop he will encourage us to stop. He would never want to have sex with me if I wasn't enjoying it, let alone if I felt uncomfortable/painful physically. Your DH sounds like a decent bloke, please talk to him about how you're feeling.

wimhoffbreather · 14/12/2020 13:37

You’re 33 weeks pregnant. If you don’t want to, then don’t. I think it’s odd that you’re making yourself do it even though your DH hasn’t expressed that he wants to?

pog100 · 14/12/2020 13:39

Some very nice, honest and illuminating answers here OP. None of them are 33 weeks though. Surely at that stage you can both be expecting sex to be off the cards for a few months. Just stop it gently now, tell him it's getting uncomfortable and not enjoyable for you and look forward to the birth.

cherryblossomx3 · 14/12/2020 13:46

I do now. I used to have a really high sex drive, especially when we were TTC, but not anymore. That is down to the fact I have a still breastfeeding 1 year old though and spent majority of last year pregnant. I am not sure if breastfeeding lowers your sex drive or if it is the fact that my body still does not feel 100 percent 'mine' and I get cringed out a bit (I think it's hard to switch from mummy mode into sex driven wife mode) but I do try atleast once a week as my partner enjoys it. I don't hate it but atm it wouldn't bother me if we didn't do it for a while. I like to go to sleep when I get into bed these days more than anything else!

Chimeraforce · 14/12/2020 13:47

Yes. I'm peri and couldn't care less if I never do it again. Fucking hormones. Life destroyers.
But my partner of 24 years still retains normality, lucky him.
So I get on with it. To be honest, he's very good and I enjoy it once we get into it. Part of the depression, meno, life strains etc.

omg35 · 14/12/2020 13:48

I'm pregnant too OP and not enjoying sex at all but I do want to be close to him and to make him feel good so that's what I get out of it rather than what I would normally. I think it's ok to do it every so often to keep your OH happy, same as it's ok to say you don't feel like it and have him respect this.

Thefaceofboe · 14/12/2020 13:53

A lot. I have a very low sex drive due to my hormone levels being all over the place.

Weirdfan · 14/12/2020 14:02

I'm happy to give it a go even if I'm not initially in the mood but if it becomes clear I'm not going to get into it then no, we don't carry on. At 33 weeks it's totally understandable you don't feel like it and I don't think you should keep forcing yourself if you're 'waiting for it to be over'. I know my DH would be really upset if he thought I'd had sex I didn't want, as would any decent man (or woman) so I'm not sure it's even fair on your DH to keep doing it and it's certainly not fair on you Flowers

movingonup20 · 14/12/2020 14:02

With exh, yes definitely, it wasn't often he was interested so even if I wasn't feeling great I made the effort to try and enjoy it. With dp it's a non issue because we are, well it's frequent, I think the bc I'm on has helped my hormone fluctuations which helps a lot.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/12/2020 14:06

Yes, I could go without sex for months to be honest. I'm pregnant now and was really ill at the beginning. Did it for a while but for a good few months now it has been pretty painful and just awkward, so I don't anymore. He gets other things instead, I want nothing. I'm not prepared to be in pain just so he can have sex. If he feels hard done by, he should try being the one going through this pregnancy.

Original poster
FortunatelyUnfortunate · 14/12/2020 14:12

I think you're right, I need to stop when I really don't want to. It is uncomfortable at the moment, not painful as such but it doesn't necessarily feel great either.

Tbf, I'd be quite happy to do other things just for him, I don't mind that at all so I may just start suggesting some of that instead haha.

I think it's partly guilt because before being pregnant my sex drive was massive, he used to be the one saying not tonight 😂 but since I've been pregnant I could be happy not being touched forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunatelyUnfortunate · 14/12/2020 14:14

And I think that's the other thing, PP asked if I still enjoy a cuddle etc... No I don't at the minute. Half the time I sleep on my own in the spare room because I just need space, I toss and turn all night at the moment, up and down to the toilet etc... I can't bear being smothered and hot in bed so prefer sleeping separately atm. So I just feel a bit... Unloving toward him even though I'm not actually trying to be if that makes sense? And I feel bad for that.

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 14/12/2020 14:15

I did sometimes. When pregnant, I had no interest in sex at all but had a considerate husband.

Koffeekake · 14/12/2020 14:48

Why not try other intimate activities that aren't sexual? Share a -hot- cool bath? Get him to give you a nice massage? Etc

again2020 · 14/12/2020 14:53

Yes. My partner isn't very well endowed and I thought I could never orgasm until I bought a vibrator earlier this year and had my first orgasm ever at the tender age of 35 Blush Grin

When I do it I do enjoy quite often, the closeness and the feeling but I could go months without.

MeadowHay · 14/12/2020 15:07

Tbf, I'd be quite happy to do other things just for him, I don't mind that at all so I may just start suggesting some of that instead haha

This is exactly what we did Grin in the last few months of my pregnancy. Once a week (ish) Grin. I was happy to do it, would offer it, didn't feel uncomfortable about it, he would always offer to reciprocate, I would say no thank you, no issues. Not that you should do that if you don't want to and he shouldn't expect anything at all. But it's an option if you'd be happy with it. But regardless please do speak to him about how you're feeling.

JurassicParkAha · 14/12/2020 15:22

Yes, maintenance shags are important. People underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship, and as a way of maintaining intimacy and your partner feeling loved/wanted.

I have often given a BJ when I'm just really not in the mood for the effort of PIV sex. Or sometimes I find I enjoy it once we start. But even if I'm not enjoying it, I let him know I won't come but we can make it a quickie. My partner similarly will reciprocate if he's not feeling it, but take care of my needs in other ways.

I don't feel bad or used for having sex when I'm not 100% feeling it, I see it as an act of love I'm doing for my partner. However, if I'm feeling ill, cramping, migraine etc then I don't and would not appreciate being hassled.. At 33 weeks though, i should think it completely normal to not want to have any sex, and he should be understanding about this.

Eleganz · 14/12/2020 18:38

Yeah, during most of my pregnancies the third trimester was me just feeling uncomfortable all the time and a bit like a whale. DP (and to be fair ex-H before him) had the good sense to just make soothing noises and not get any ideas. It did happen a bit during that time, but not often.

So, totally normal OP and you just need to be honest with your partner about it.

Pyewhacket · 14/12/2020 18:43

No, I'm always up for it.

RosesandPumpkins · 14/12/2020 18:56

Yes although for me it’s usually the thought of it I can’t be arsed with. The reality I usually enjoy once we get going.

Anothernick · 14/12/2020 19:41

@JurassicParkAha

Yes, maintenance shags are important. People underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship, and as a way of maintaining intimacy and your partner feeling loved/wanted.

I have often given a BJ when I'm just really not in the mood for the effort of PIV sex. Or sometimes I find I enjoy it once we start. But even if I'm not enjoying it, I let him know I won't come but we can make it a quickie. My partner similarly will reciprocate if he's not feeling it, but take care of my needs in other ways.

I don't feel bad or used for having sex when I'm not 100% feeling it, I see it as an act of love I'm doing for my partner. However, if I'm feeling ill, cramping, migraine etc then I don't and would not appreciate being hassled.. At 33 weeks though, i should think it completely normal to not want to have any sex, and he should be understanding about this.

Agreed. In my view regular sex is essential, it's the glue in an LTR. It's like eating, often you will just eat/shag because you are hungry/horny, meets a need but nothing special. But from time to time you will make an effort, cook something special/have a date night. Keeps the spark alive.
Skyla2005 · 14/12/2020 20:41

Is he making you orgasm when you have sex ? If he isn’t that’s prob why your not enjoying it so much maybe worth looking into. If you are and still not enjoying it then I think lots of wives do give maintenance shags for the sake of their marriage. I’m not saying it’s right but for men the urge doesn’t go away and if it’s not being met most of them will go elsewhere or watch shit loads of porn ! It’s a mistake to think the man has gone off it because you have. They never do so sometimes you have to think about marriage as meeting each other’s needs I guess if you want to stay together of course

Rosebel · 14/12/2020 21:15

I do. Although if I'm really not in the mood I'll just give him a blow job or say no.
My husband has a high sex drive and I used to but since getting pregnant (baby now 6 months) my sex drive has, really dropped.
Although he's never given me reason to think this I worry about him looking for sex elsewhere if I never have sex with him.

LikeAGlove · 14/12/2020 21:16

Is he making you orgasm when you have sex ? If he isn’t that’s prob why your not enjoying it so much

At the moment no (before yes), but only because I don't want to. I can't explain it any other way than I'm just not interested. He offers to do things 'for me' and I just don't want him to. I don't want to get into it or orgasm, I just want to do it so we can be finished and I can go to sleep or whatever 🤦

firesong · 14/12/2020 21:22

Perhaps a little, bit not actively not wanting to. Just hadn't had it on my mind and then went along with it. Enjoyed it though.

If you really don't want to during your pregnancy, you could talk to your partner and explain it's not a rejection of him etc. And those times you think you are in the mood, make use of them! Don't know how far along you are but I found my sex drive was really high in the later months.

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