Does this sound like my dh is controlling ?

[flamingojumper]

I think my dh is controlling, I have thought so for a long time. I end up having a massive row about whatever it is he's doing to be controlling and things improve for a while but then he moved onto a new thing to control.
I don't really think there's much I can do and I can't move out atm but I just want to check if I'm losing my marbles or not,

Things like today I said I'd better cut down on my food for the next two weeks because it's Christmas and I'm putting on weight as I'm at home all the time now as I wfh.

Every single piece of food I got out today was questioned by him. Why are you eating that, I thought you were on a diet, you won't lose weight eating that will you, you're not helping yourself, eventually I lost it and said stop commenting on what I'm eating which he then denied he'd said anything.I'm at the top of my BMI and put on a lot of weight but I don't think these comments help me.

Recently the new thing is for him to get up declare he's doing a job that will 'help me' and tell me that I will be doing job x while he does it. So for example today I am not working I just want to sit down and after my dc finished watching a film my dh agreed to put them to bed as if it's a favour despite me doing it all week and then as soon as he got up from the sofa he's telling me i will be doing the washing up while he's putting them to bed. He does this type of things several times a day with various tasks.

Today I told him to stop telling me what I'm doing next to get on with what he's doing instead and leave me alone and he's just come back with all I had to say was no I won't be doing that instead of causing a row. I'm now wishing I had just said no but I don't believe it would have been that simple had I just said no. I have already asked him to stop mentioning what I will be doing whenever he's busy doing something else I'd like to decide for myself.
I've now come upstairs and he's walked past me without acknowledging me. I am so down now.

Does this sound controlling or just something silly? He has been controlling in the past with things like money and he's admitted this too but I've taken a bit more of a hold on that now by opening up a separate bank account and putting my salary in that. I just don't know if I'm living in a weird manner or if this is ok and I should just get on with whatever I'm told I'm doing whilst he's doing something else. Sorry for the long post.

That is controlling OP and it sounds like gaslighting too - denying he has said something to make you feel unsure or question yourself. You're an adult. He shouldn't be telling you what to do or micromanaging you.

Thanks @CuntyMcBollocks today I am annoyed about the whole situation. I just want to be able to sit down on the sofa and not be told what I'll be doing next when he's decided it's time for both of us to get up.

It doesn't feel right but I pretty much go along with everything he says and now it feels weird to say no. He's now still acting like I don't exist. I have gone into a different room to him to preserve my sanity!

I am so tired of it all. He used to control all of our money but I did put a stop to that eventually but now it seems he's moved on to other ways. It is tiring always answering to someone.

So you said " I'm tired, I just want to sit down and watch the telly", he said " sure , I will put the kids to bed so you can do that". And then he said " as I'm putting the kids to bed you can do the dishes?". He sounds annoying and confusing.

Questioning you about food you are eating is out of order, the top of your BMI isn't actually overweight so it's not like it's causing health problems. If he's concerned he can say to you, but he's not in control of what you eat and shouldn't think that he is!

He would be driving me crazy as well. I think he is controlling and I think if you had said " no I won't be doing the dishes" that would have led to an argument as well.

He sounds like a demanding boss, not a loving partner, you deserve better x

He would drive me mad. He's your husband not your manager. I would tell him straight. He's sounds like a controlling prick

This doesn’t sound like a kind and respectful relationship op.

I can’t call this. And I say that because the weight conversation ended with him denying everything which sounds gaslighty but the rest sounds like he’s a micro manager who can’t seperate office and home. The reason I can’t call it is you brought up the weight thing.... and he could potentially be trying to be the “critical friend” to make you more mindful “for your own sake” but the execution is so flawed I’d want to walk out.

-Does he have form for outright denial of saying things?
-Does he manage to twist situations clearly of his doing back onto you?
-Does he bemoan life with you as a hardship he has to endure and as you’re such a doofus he has to swoop in and fix it all when you inevitably fuck up?

If the above answers are “yes” he’s a controlling manipulator as opposed to a micro managing tit.

He just sounds a really horrible and nasty little prick. Why do you need to know that he's "controlling" as well? I'd be wanting to tell him to fuck right off with all his comments and demands and commands. However, the only permanent solution is to find yourself a new life that doesn't include him.

He's just text me asking if I've managed to do the washing up yet.
Basically the film ended, he stood up saying he's putting dc to bed and then said I can do the washing up while he's putting them to bed. If this was a one off I would have just done it, but this year it's been happening more and more because he's wfh and here all the time instead of at the office due to covid so I feel like I can never sit still and just breath. When I went upstairs he walked past me like I wasn't there.

It's the expectation that I will be doing whatever he decides I should be doing when he's doing something else to 'help' me that has gotten me down.

It could be true he's just micromanaging me because he can't do that to people at work atm. He does say he hasn't said things when he has done but they're more like little lies so things like today he said he didn't say anything about what I was eating. But he did and it went on all day so I do find it hard when he says he hasn't said anything as if I'm making it up.

Your husband is a controlling, insufferable knob. Does he think you're a child? Or so daft you can't possibly manage without his direction? I think I would have killed him by now.

I don’t know if it’s controlling but it sounds like his a massive pain in the arse i really couldnt be bothered with it !

Well we all know how you can lose a shit load of weight...
I lost 20 stone...
Life is brilliant..
Exh is a fatter, more miserable twat living alone..
Even our dc dumped him.

@Aquamarine1029 that's what I sometimes say, does he think I can't work things out alone. But I don't think I can anymore tbh either because he's already stepped in before I can even do anything myself half the time.

The other day I got some Christmas decorations out the store cupboard. We went out and bought a tree and then I popped back out to do the school run. By the time I'd gotten back the decorations were not only back in the storage cupboard but in the most obscure place. Right at the back of the cupboard, so he's had to take other things out of the cupboard to hide the decorations. He said he didn't realise I wanted them left out, they were literally Christmas tree baubles so I don't really understand how he came to that conclusion.

It's all so odd. I do put it down to him being odd but when I actually think about it I'm usually left with more along the lines of wtf just happened.
He's just text me again asking where I am.

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper well done you!

He texted you from another room to ask if you managed to do the DISHES?!?

The only time I text my husband from another room in the house is to say I love him ( or to say sorry after a daft argument). He's treating you worse than an employee, he would probably make the effort to speak to an employee.

It all sounds very bizarre! What does he get out of putting the decorations right at the back and clearly hiding them? Is it so you have to ask him to help find them? Have you replied to his texts?

I think you really need to get serious and stand up for yourself. Tell him this micromanaging bullshit needs to end right now or he can fuck off and find a new place to live. You can't live this way, op. Nobody can. You're going to crack one day.

Why did he hide the decorations? He sounds very odd and strange. I wouldn't like him at all the wy he talks to you but only you know him

Turn your phone off. Go to bed.

I'd ignore anyone who was rude enough to text me for any reason in my own home instead of coming to speak to me.

This would drive me insane OP!

It is all very strange. It's always been strange but this year it's gotten much worse. I haven't replied to the texts. I am so annoyed.
@Aquamarine1029 I think that's why this has come about this evening. I don't think I can continue living like this. But I have no where to go. He would never move out I know that.

I don't think I can continue living like this.

Have you ever really told him, very firmly and very clearly, to stop this? Or have you just basically let it go until now?

Good grief, OP, do you even need to ask?! Yes, he’s controlling and gaslighting and abusive.
It’s often stated on Mumsnet that “No” is a complete sentence.
I advise you to start using it. No explanations, no engaging with his nonsense, just “No”.
Are you going to do the dishes?
No.
And as for him condescending to “help” with his own children - I would tell him very clearly that it’s not helping, it’s parenting, and he’s doing a very minimal and unfair share of it.
Sit him down and tell him he will be doing the DCs’ bedtime alternate nights with you, ditto the washing up, and every other damn chore in the house that he lives in with his DC.
My sister’s feisty neighbour gave her husband short shrift when he said to her that he had helped by cleaning “her” windows for her. His wife responded crisply “Helped? MY windows? Do you never fucking look out of them yourself, then?!”

It is high time your DH took responsibility for his own 50% of the chores and childcare and stopped trying to tell you how to do yours. Good luck, OP.

You are actively being controlled by this man. Your children in turn are learning damaging lessons about relationships.

He does this because he can. He feels absolutely entitled to behave like this and it’s likely that one of his parents behaves the self same way too.
Do read Why does he do that? written by Lundy Bancroft, your husband is in those pages.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. There is really now no other option open to you going forward, such men do not change but further ramp up the power and control here against their chosen target.

Abusive men more often than not refuse to move out. You absolutely need to seek legal advice here and it may well come to pass that you will need to obtain an occupation order. At the very least seek legal advice re divorce ASAP because knowledge is power and NO man, even he, is above the law here.