Head is messed up!

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

So I live with my exdp, I ended it in July and have kept communication to a minimum, tried to disengage and live my life separate to him.
We joint own our home and have a 10 yo DC.
All finances are separate, I no longer cook for him or do his washing.
I'm currently stuck in the house as I'm being treated for breast cancer. Which is going horrendously!!
I just wanted to talk with people who understand my feelings about all this.
I'm miserable, he is being all love and lightness, offering to help, which I turn down usually.
He still acts like we are together despite saying he understands we are over.
He genuinely believes we can live like this forever, co parenting under the same roof.
My problem is I'm so scared to leave when I'm better, he will cause such a scene it will hurt DC, he will make it hard and manipulate and make himself the victim. He often reminds me that he's suicidal.
I feel so guilty for breaking our family up and making that move despite all of the horrible things he's said and done over the years.
He can't be too harsh with me at the moment so takes his stress out more on DC. He can say some quite cutting mean things, which Dc gets upset about.
I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of it, and whilst they are only words, I will do anything to avoid his harsh words and the way he says things.

He has lied about a so called porn addiction, I think he was cheating because some condoms went missing from my drawers and lots of other suspect behaviours.
He admits to fucking up and lying but it was only over something so stupid this went on for over a year, a long time to be sneaking about with your phone and going out almost every night to your 'mates' house.
I have been manipulated and gaslit. Called thick and a fantasist for accusing him of cheating. This is the point I ended it with him.
He refuses to let me leave and will not leave as this is his childhood home that I regret buying with him.
So why, why do I feel so in the wrong for wanting to leave? For ignoring (grey rocking) him and disengaging. Why do I feel like I'm being so unreasonable?

I understand his niceness and lovely moods are manipulative because I know what he's like deep down, very miserable and doesn't like women.

But why do I feel so weak and pathetic about the whole thing? Like I'm the one creating this mess when he betrayed my trust and lied for so long.

Sorry I know it's long but I feel like I'm going insane having to be near him in my own home.

I have spoken to Women's Aid who pointed me to rights of women, but I feel so ill at the moment I don't have the head space.

I just want to be happy and I don't think it will ever happen because I had a child with an overbearing man-child.

I should add he overly spoils Dc with things from the shop and allows him to get away with much more than I do. Again I know this is to get Dc on side.

When I threatened to leave a while back he said, shall we ask Dc now who he wants to live with?

He also slammed the door so hard it broke, he went to a field with JD and threatened to kill himself.
This was just a warning!!

So you can understand why I feel so responsible.

Hi op, your situation sounds quite complex and it feels there is so much you could add, would he not consider moving out for a while, whilst you are having treament.

I think that is a resonable request as your ill.

Hi, afraid not. He's made it clear under no circumstances he will ever leave this house.
I'm even considering taking my name iff the deeds and mortgage, but then he could throw me out.

It is a mess!

@Fuckmyliferightnow do not take your name off the deeds or mortgage! Get legal advice and get yourself out of this horrible situation for both you and your DC. You deserve to be happy, not trapped in a miserable existence.

I absolutely understand your feelings of guilt as I've felt the same way about ending my marriage but you know by his behaviour that this isn't your fault and you deserve better than lying and cheating. Every time you have a wobble read what you have written above and imagine what you would feel if a friend wrote that. Also, do this for your DC growing up in this environment will be extremely damaging and a happy mum would mean an happier life.

Who cares if he commits suicide (he won't I can assure you) you deserve better. As soon as you are better leave.

I’m sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful. But okesse don’t do anything about the house / mortgage etc without checking with your solititor. What’s her advice about the current situation and what’s your plan once your treatment is over ?

You understand that his niceness is manipulative . But you also need to know that his Suicide threats are too. If he tells you again that he’s going out to kill himself , call the police.

Trust me they ALL say I'll never do this and I'll never do that. I've divorced enough husbands to know.
Ignore all their shit and just stick the papers in. A court will decide what will happen not him.

I saw a solicitor before lockdown, but she didn't advise me on the mortgage and claiming UC with a house that I'm not living in.
This is why I need to speak to rights of women. It's takes a long time to get through to them.

I should be worrying about the cancer bit this actually scared me more. He's so much stronger than me, he knows how I hate hurting people.

Do not take your name off the deeds, go and see a solicitor.
You are not responsible for any actions he takes if you leave.

You are ill and he shouldn't be threatening you in any way.
You havn't the energy for this fight, you must concentrate on getting yourself better first. It's too much to cope with.

Try to be separate in the house and detatch from him until you feel stronger or if possible if you could stay with family or friends for a short while to give you a break.

Dealing with his lying and infedelity will wear you out, he won't tell the truth, they never do, so try to conserve your energy and look after youself as much as you can.
If you wish to vent.... vent away on here, we won't smash doors and rage at you, don't give him the ammunition.

Sending a hand hold.

The whole breaking doors and threatening suicide was in the summer, before I was diagnosed. The last 18 months has been nothing but a battle with him.
That's why I ended it in July, I'd had enough.
We still have disagreements about house work and how he speaks to Dc. But other than speaking to him like shit sometimes he acts like a model citizen and dad of the year.
It's a real head fuck!

You need to start getting your ducks in a row. I am sorry about your cancer.

I keep having to convince myself of why I'm doing it, he does like to guilt trip, then I question myself.

I need the legal advice around UC and owning this house. It makes it impossible for me to move out.
CAB advised me to claim UC whilst I live here, as it'll be easier than claiming fresh when I do leave. So I get that now which is a help.
I just need to get better and find another rental nearby so Dc is disrupted too much.

I feel sick about the while thing.

How are you going @Fuckmyliferightnow? I remember your earlier threads. Even just thinking about it I feel that guilt. H has certainly spent years telling me it's all my fault and he's very convincing. I expect your Exdp has done the same. Gaslighting messes with your mind so much.

@HereIAm123 doesn't it just. But he knows he's gone too far and is getting nothing from me now, I'm dead behind my eyes and I'm flat with him.
The anxiety of leaving is more intense that dealing with my cancer. And I'm having some real problems with it too, so what does that tell you about the levels of blame and gaslighting I've had to contend with.

I tried to leave last year and he slammed the door so hard it broke, bent all the brackets inside the latch and lock, he went o a field with whisky and sent me msgs calling me a liar and mental, then said he would kill himself. That was my warning and I listened!!!

The head fuckery is real, more so now he's in a nice phase

I may not remember correctly but as long as your name is still on the deeds you still have a claim even if you move out. Most solicitors give a free 30 minute consultation (I went to one and in fact I was there for almost an hour) so I would suggest doing that with a list of questions you want to ask.

I paid £180 for an hour. She was good with family law and mortgages but couldn't advise about UC and benefits.

Is their much equity in your home? I thought maybe from your posts that was what you were worried about if that would effect UC if you moved out? Hopefully a UK poster can help their. I know where I live I can't move out when I finally tell H because the equity in our house gets counted as an asset if I'm not living there and I won't qualify for benefits then. I'll need to claim benefits as I'm currently too sick to work. Ongoing chronic condition. I'm hoping H will move out, but given past behaviour I think it's highly unlikely.

@dane8 I'm the one that ended it and like you he wants to be mates. I know it's cus he thinks I'll forget and warm back into my old life with him.

He has explicitly told me he will not let me leave with Ds and he will never leave. Also selling or just buying me will never happen. He is technically forcing us to live together.
But my son has realised lately that Daddy isn't always kind. I have told him that he should always be kind and these behaviours are bullying.
He is on egg shells sometimes too.

I agree with the advice given to you on here
It is probably more difficult while you are living and breathing it all day everyday
It is much easier once you set your mind to detach and can you stay with family
Have family and friends support you
Call people, break away from that bubble of bs.
You will do what's wrong for you in the end
It is yourself and you ds who matter most.
Gifts do not provide care and love they are not relevant in the big scheme of your child's daily needs as you know
Been there taken the bs and I excaped👍
Mad determination and lawyers fees

Well we had a massive row.
I started over something petty, but was him trying to make a point.
It ended in him accusing me of bullying him. I can't believe it!
I have to disengage and grey rock and only engage about anything I have to. And I'm bullying him.
He says I don't know how to live and emote.
That he's a better parent because I don't know how to love.
He says horrible things, I never do, he cannot see the negativity that he pours into this house and how miserable he has made me over the years.

He told me to fuck off and get better somewhere else and leave Ds with him.

For financial advice go to your Macmillan nurse or your nearest Maggies. They will give you all the help and advice you need

I didn't think of that. I didn't know they could give that sort of advice.
Thanks.

he knows how I hate hurting people

Exactly why he threatens suicide OP. Yes so suicidal yet somehow found the energy to persue and shag someone else.

You need to start looking at this with cold hard logic, not emotion. Stop engaging with any of his goading and focus all of your energy into getting better and planning your exit.

@Closetbeanmuncher
Today I just feel so weak.
He set me up for an argument last night, he did something really petty to get a reaction and unfortunately I took the bait, then came the insults with both barrels.
Today I feel like a used punch bag.

But I feel like it is all my fault and that maybe I am mistaken about the condoms, because he fiercely denies it and says I got it wrong.
I'm seriously starting to think it's me.