Toxic relationships

[Kaylasmum49]

Sorry this will be long!
I have been with my partner for 19 years, for most of this time our relationship has been turbulent. I am 54 years old with 5 dc, my youngest 2 are my partners dc. They are 17 and 13.

My dp had a brain injury when he was 21 and it has affected his memory a little, always losing things, forgetting things I've said etc. He also has an extremely quick temper and has punched holes in walls, thrown things around, drives too fast in the car if we are having a disagreement, he can also be very cruel verbally.

I want to leave, the house is in his name so I have no rights at all to stay here and he won't leave and let us stay. I know I'm not blameless in the relationship and once he has started to verbally abuse me I retaliate. I hate who I am around him and am very ashamed to say that I have slapped him a couple of times when he has been right in my face. We argue about everything.

He works full time I work 18 hours a week. Our 13 year old ds is currently being assessed for autism and has severe anxiety about school and hasn't been to school in 8 months. He was managing to go into the support base with myself and a support teacher for an hour a day previous to this but only if there were no other pupils there. Since covid he is refusing to enter the school at all and we go to the school car park where the support teacher meets us and gives us work for me son. My point in explaining this is that I am unable to work anymore hours than I already do.

My partner has hit me in the past, a slap in the face a couple of times but one time we were in bed and arguing and he put a pillow over my face for a few seconds then stood up and kicked me in the side. I was badly bruised for a while after. Yesterday was really bad after we started arguing over something fairly petty he got very angry very quickly and at one point was right up at me with his fist pulled back, he didn't hit me but I felt threatened so I hit him and pushed him away.

I later took the kids out for tea and when we got back the bickering continued, he was drinking a cup of tea and then poured it over both of the couches, soaking them.

I should have left years ago but was worried about how I would cope financially and how it would affect the kids. I have tried to protect them as much as possible from our arguments but obviously they have been witness to some things. My parents split up when I was 10 year old and it broke my heart and I vowed that my kids would never have to go through that but I know that being away from this environment would be the best thing for them.

My question is, is he abusive? Am I? I was in a long term relationship for 12 years before this one, I never hit out at my ex in all those years. I don't want to make excuses for myself because physical violence can never be excused. I don't know how to leave, where to go. We have pets that my ds dotes on and if we had to move into rented accommodation we wouldn't be able to take them.

I am going to contact CAB tomorrow for advice on finances and housing. I get tax credits atm but I will have to move to universal credit if I leave.

Any useful suggestions would be very welcome.

Anyone? I feel so alone and worn out with it all.

This has become a horrendous and toxic relationship where both parties have become abusive.
It is no way to bring up children and it will affect them very badly, you need to check what benefits you are entitled to and leave.
Go and speak to the housing department at the local council and check if you will be able to be housed. You will not be able to rent most homes privately with 5 children and a very low income so will have to look at the alternatives.
You can't carry on like this as one of you will get hurt and the children definitely will emotionally.
I have a friend with 4 children who lives alone on benefits and does ok. You just need some advice and you need to start planning your exit now.
You will not be allowed to stay in the house and you have no rights so you need to be looking for something else.

It will only be 2 dcs, my other children are adults and have their own homes. In my defense, I have only ever lashed out when I have felt threatened. I have stated in my pp that I am going to leave and that I know I have no rights to the house. I don't mean to sound rude but you are only reiterating what I have already said. I posted here to hopefully get some useful advice.

You have all of my sympathies. First of all, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You fought back against abuse. It is not a court of law. You dont need to prove to anybody that you are perfect.

I woud go to womens aid and be honest. You just need one tiny roof over yr head and then u can start to build your life. You can work or you will be entitled to support. Please do not stay to look after his kids. Yrs are older. Value yr own chance to build a life without him. It wont be easy but it will be freedom.

You are not abusive, you have reacted to being abused. You want this dynamic to end. You can heal and put this behind you. I bet he will be furious when you try to leave.

Ps well done on taking the decision to go and talk to CAB

It is hard to make the first step out in to the world on your own when you've been ground down for decades.

I also hit back a few times. I cerainly never considered myself abusive!! The dynamic was one of control (his) and fear (mine).

The first few months were very hard in practical terms but without an albatross around your neck kicking you and holding a pillow over yr face, you will be able to do this.

The two youngest dcs both of ours, they will be coming with me.

I just feel bad that I lost control so badly, that really isn't who I am.

Dont be too hard on yourself.

You are in a very difficult situation right now. You reacted to being hit by a man.

Please just forgive yourself for now. You know you are in a bad situation and you are making plans.

Stay strong, be kind to yourself.

Start planning op. Who's name is bills etc in? Collect stuff you will need to apply for more benefits.. Sell anything you can and stash the money. Ime not having a mortgage is an advantage.. You really can walk out that door.

I have spoken to womens aid this morning and they have confirmed that this is domestic abuse, although I really don't feel that it's severe and I don't think that my partner plans these things, he has a quick temper and it is how he reacts, possibly because of his head injury.

I also spoke to the council re housing and they are going to get a housing officer to phone me. I'm worried that I'm just overreacting and I actually felt sorry for my partner yesterday. Because of my anxiety I think I am a difficult person to live with.

I think it is human nature to think "its not severe" but a few years later you will see how oppressed you were.

You are on the right track. Xx

Please start prioritising your right to a peaceful life over his needs etc

your life is not a sacrifice to his convenience

If you start to feel sorry for him repeat "my life is not a sacrifice to his convenience".

Repeat that over and over Op.

Xx

He doesn't have to beat the shit out of you daily for it to be "bad enough" to call it domestic abuse.

It's bad enough that you're being verbally abused, that he's throwing things, that he's punching walls and assaults you. He put a pillow over your face and kicked you. That's severe. That's domestic abuse. You are not overreacting.

And while his head injury may be at the root if he suffered a personality change, it doesn't matter why he does it, what matters is he does it. It's not safe for you to be with him, it's no good for your dc to grow up with.

Thanks for the replies,

I have got the wheels in motion but I feel so sad and scared about what the future holds. I worry how the kids will react to us separating, especially my 13 year old ds. I am 54 and about to start a new life, don't know how to do it.

It is scary no doubt about but it is worth it.
I turned 50 in lockdown and i left 13 years with toddlers so in one way i had the benefit of feeling younger because we can slip in to that dangerous mindset of oh its all too late now. It isnt.

I had toddlers and was caught it a benefit trap for years but i still found enjoyment in going for walks, reading the paper, doing the crossword, watching films, researching psychology issues that interested me. I found a lot of enjoyment in the simpler things. He would have ruined every peaceful moment of contentment if id been with him. The absence of anxiety was a drug. I was scared yes, the 100% responsibility for two toddlers... daunting. But bit by bit by bit, when every devision you make is to suit you and your well being -small decisions and big ones - then one day you realise, wow, i dont have it so bad now!!

You can do it and it will be worth. Bit at a time. One day at a time but all the time moving in your direction. Xx

WiseOwlWan thank you, it helps to hear stories from other people who have been where I am and who have managed to make a new life and be happy. I have been miserable for years and just need some peace and calm in my life. Still very worried about telling my ds though.

Keep posting on MN.

Whatever stage of the process you're at, whatever the next scary step is, keep posting.

I did need my hand held by strangers. Because change is always scary. But i got through it and that in itself raised my self worth a bit.

You have been ground down for years. It goes against everything you have known to suddenly put yourself first especially when to put yourself first is scary and to continue to put him first is just more of the same. And your brain knows how to do that.any change feels so self conscously awkward but you can do it.

Re pets - Dogs Trust have a fostering service for families fleeing violence and Women's Aid has a list of pet fostering services - worth thinking about if family/friends/the kids' friends can't take them in temporarily.

Feeling very unsure today, maybe it's just me overreacting as usual. Been looking at private lets but they are very expensive. I only earn 600 per month. Really feel in turmoil today.

You will be entitled to help. Use entitledto- the calculator on there is pretty helpful.
You can earn around 500/600 before any benefits are reduced also. You should also get some help with your rent!!
Good Luck!!

OP, he put a pillow over your face.

That's not normal, that's not nothing, this isn't you over-reacting.

No-one should have to live like that.

Just want to add that plenty of people have brain injuries and don't become violent abusers. It certainly doesn't sound as if he sees his behaviour as a problem even, otherwise he would have sought help.

One thing to think about is that your children will be well aware of the violence and that this surely will be contributing to your son's anxiety. A stable, calm home environment should go some way towards helping him feel more at ease.

Try to envisage a future time when you can relax in your own space and not worry about being hurt, or saying the wrong thing, or having to clean up the stained sofa. You can do it.

Still feel like I should give it one more go, it really isn't all him. I can be a total pain too, menopause has been hell and I'm irritable and stressed a lot of the time. I have an adult ds who has borderline personality disorder which causes psychotic episodes, he has cut most of his body and needed surgery as a result many times, he is also addicted to prescription painkillers. My partner has always been there for him although he is not his father. He really does have a kind side. So confused.

OP you’ve brought up 5 children, you can do anything!

The pillow over the face is playing at murder. There’s no overestimating the severity.

Do you dc know what he does? My dsis and I had to hear dm almost being killed downstairs a few times.

@Aknifewith16blades

OP, he put a pillow over your face.

That's not normal, that's not nothing, this isn't you over-reacting.

No-one should have to live like that.

This ^

OP, two women a week die at the hands of partners. Just ordinary women, getting killed by the relatively ordinary men in their lives.

He's shown you he's capable of potentially lethal violence. You have dc, you can't afford to run the risk of leaving them motherless.