Sorry this will be long!
I have been with my partner for 19 years, for most of this time our relationship has been turbulent. I am 54 years old with 5 dc, my youngest 2 are my partners dc. They are 17 and 13.
My dp had a brain injury when he was 21 and it has affected his memory a little, always losing things, forgetting things I've said etc. He also has an extremely quick temper and has punched holes in walls, thrown things around, drives too fast in the car if we are having a disagreement, he can also be very cruel verbally.
I want to leave, the house is in his name so I have no rights at all to stay here and he won't leave and let us stay. I know I'm not blameless in the relationship and once he has started to verbally abuse me I retaliate. I hate who I am around him and am very ashamed to say that I have slapped him a couple of times when he has been right in my face. We argue about everything.
He works full time I work 18 hours a week. Our 13 year old ds is currently being assessed for autism and has severe anxiety about school and hasn't been to school in 8 months. He was managing to go into the support base with myself and a support teacher for an hour a day previous to this but only if there were no other pupils there. Since covid he is refusing to enter the school at all and we go to the school car park where the support teacher meets us and gives us work for me son. My point in explaining this is that I am unable to work anymore hours than I already do.
My partner has hit me in the past, a slap in the face a couple of times but one time we were in bed and arguing and he put a pillow over my face for a few seconds then stood up and kicked me in the side. I was badly bruised for a while after. Yesterday was really bad after we started arguing over something fairly petty he got very angry very quickly and at one point was right up at me with his fist pulled back, he didn't hit me but I felt threatened so I hit him and pushed him away.
I later took the kids out for tea and when we got back the bickering continued, he was drinking a cup of tea and then poured it over both of the couches, soaking them.
I should have left years ago but was worried about how I would cope financially and how it would affect the kids. I have tried to protect them as much as possible from our arguments but obviously they have been witness to some things. My parents split up when I was 10 year old and it broke my heart and I vowed that my kids would never have to go through that but I know that being away from this environment would be the best thing for them.
My question is, is he abusive? Am I? I was in a long term relationship for 12 years before this one, I never hit out at my ex in all those years. I don't want to make excuses for myself because physical violence can never be excused. I don't know how to leave, where to go. We have pets that my ds dotes on and if we had to move into rented accommodation we wouldn't be able to take them.
I am going to contact CAB tomorrow for advice on finances and housing. I get tax credits atm but I will have to move to universal credit if I leave.
Any useful suggestions would be very welcome.