I want my husband to leave

[mumofboysnot1but2]

Hi. This is a long one. We have been together for 13 years and married for 2.5. Our issues started 2 years ago, just 6 months after we were married. My step son moved in with us, he got placed with us via social services which involved a very long court battle. We have 2 more sons also. So that was fine, I sorted everything with social worker, solicitor everything and we won residency. Shortly after this my dh started accusing me of cheating on him, which I haven't ever done. So much so he went through my phone, contacted the person he thought I was sleeping with and threatened him. The guy is a friend that I have known for years and have never looked at sexually.
The accusations didn't stop, they got worse infant he would accuse me of going with anyone!
Skip to last year, I was bridesmaid and my friends wedding, dh had had a lot to drink and started to kick off again. At the end of the night it escalated and he threatened to stab me and the 3 kids. He hasn't actually ever laid a hand on me. Inwas disgusted and asked him to leave. He did but returned 2 weeks later refusing to go. Last Christmas he told me that he would leave and sign divorce papers if I hadn't changed my mind-which to this day I haven't changed my mind.
In this time we haven't been close, I have been working extra hours to keep myself out of the house as he makes me cringe, I can't even bare for him to kiss me on the head. Since he threatened me and my boys I have lost all respect for him.
Now, the accusations of me cheating have never stopped. And this past few weeks he is adamant that I am sleeping with my friends husband, which i am categorically not. On Wednesday of this week all hell broke loose. I was walking the dog and bumped into the friends hubby ( he was coming out of the chippy as I walked past) so spoke as you do, then my dh drive past. Put 2 and 2 together and came up with 6. Started f-ing and blinding in the middle of the village that we live accusations flying around. He has then as I was sleeping gone through my phone with a fine tooth comb-deleted all of my security settings and read everything! Personal messages to my friends the lot! He said that since doing it he now trusts me but doesn't trust other men around me, there was nothing on my phone to suggest that I had cheated or that I am interested in anyone else.
I have told him that I can't take anymore, he has broken me. He has pushed and pushed me to my limits now. I have asked him once again to leave. He is refusing that the relationship is over and refusing to admit that he has driven me to the edge. I can not continue to defend myself against something I haven't done. How do I prove that I am innocent?
How do I get him to accept that the relationship is done, i have told him that I don't love him. I have purposely put the kids to sleep in my bed so he cant sleep there with me. I have ignored him , shouted said it calmly. I am at a loss!! He has told me tonight that there's no point ignoring him because he's just not going anywhere. I am lost!!!
Sorry for the long and ranty post. X

Women’s s aid? Or other charity that deals with domestic violence.
Also talk to local police domestic violence unit for advice.
Even though he is not physically violent, his behaviour is abusive

Contact the non-emergency police number and explain the situation, they should be able to help you. Tell them about the threats and everything else, the mental abuse you have suffered. He will never believe you and you can spend your life trying to convince him or die trying like many others- sorry to be blunt but jealous and paranoid people will always find something to pick at and you will always be waiting for the next thing. You are right to want out.
Let us know how you get on, I hope it’s as smooth and painless as possible for you.

If he won’t leave then you need to take the kids and leave. Can family help? Are there woman’s aid groups nearby who can help?

He is being abusive to you so you need to get away asap. He had threatened to stab you so i’d tell the police. Can you move to family?

Op have none of these men or their wives said to you "what the hell is wrong with your husband"? Do you have real life support?

Do you work? Have you got access to money.

If you see a solicitor then you can start divorce proceedings based on his unreasonable behaviour and potentially get an occupational order based on his threats.

How is your step son? Did your H fight his mother for access or was it a social services issues. The poor lad has had so much disruption to his life and his dad doesn't seem to be a safe parent to be left with.
He doesn't need to agree and go, rarely do abusive men leave of their own accord. Btw, it is common for abuse to start after marriage as they perceive you to be trapped.

Womens aid, police and solicitor. Does your family know? They must be disgusted. I would be very worried about that threat, he could become very dangerous.
I wonder if you had the locks changed if he would break in. Would your step son stay with you or go with him?

Contacting people will help to make it more real. Sorry you're going through this.

Police, report the threats, coercion and abuse. Then women's aid for advice and legal support to get an order to exclude him from the house.

This is domestic abuse. Involve the police, women’s aid and inform the children’s school. He is dangerous and going through your phone is controlling and frightening. What if he checks again and finds something he doesn’t like? What will he do to you as ‘justified’ punishment. Get him removed or leave and take the children with you urgently!

Go see a solicitor

Is he drinking or taking drugs OP that have induced this paranoia?

Can you link anything to the sudden change in his behaviour? I just noted that you said you'd been together 13 years but this has been going on for 2.

How old is his son ? Could you take all three kids and move out ?

Thanks for your replies.
His son is now 15, I have parental responsibility enstated by the courts so he is old enough to make is own decision as to where he wants to be now. I would happily keep him, I love him as my own.
Dh was sneakily smoking weed at work, he thought i didnt know but I've known all along. This won't help with his paranoid behaviour I know.
My mum has been really good, however we live next door to her so I can't really move there as there wouldn't be enough distance between us. He keeps saying we've got to fight for it as we've got to much to lose, but I have no feelings anymore. I don't know how I can get it through to him.
Obviously i would want it to be as amicable as possible for the kids but I know he wouldn't allow it to be x

You can divorce without his consent. See a solicitor and put the wheels in motion. It might make him see the reality of the situation. I think you are trying to keep it too nice in a situation that won't be nice. You most definitely have to split though and given his threats I think you at least need to talk to the police.

See a solicitor who specializes in divorce and has experience of DA cases and take their advice. Stop hoping he's going to see sense and move out because that's never going to happen.

Getting him removed by the police because he's made threats to murder the children and yourself would get it across better than suffering in silence.

@mumofboysnot1but2

Thanks for your replies. His son is now 15, I have parental responsibility enstated by the courts so he is old enough to make is own decision as to where he wants to be now. I would happily keep him, I love him as my own. Dh was sneakily smoking weed at work, he thought i didnt know but I've known all along. This won't help with his paranoid behaviour I know. My mum has been really good, however we live next door to her so I can't really move there as there wouldn't be enough distance between us. He keeps saying we've got to fight for it as we've got to much to lose, but I have no feelings anymore. I don't know how I can get it through to him. Obviously i would want it to be as amicable as possible for the kids but I know he wouldn't allow it to be x

You're going to have to accept that it won't be amicable and take action to protect yourself and the kids.

@MitziK the police are not going to remove him from the house on the basis of an unproven threat made a tear ago when drunk, it just doesnt work like that.

Get legal advice and you can apply for a court order to get him to leave if his behaviour is putting you and the children at risk.

He sounds mentally unwell. I would personally see if you can get an appointment with his gp to discuss his behaviour at these out bursts and then I would go to the police and explain the situation. Tell Then the whole story and that he is smoking weed and see if they can help you.

Tbh I think you're going to have to move out and not tell him where you're going!

I imagine he has a right to stay in his house just as much as you so are you able to move out?

I can move out yes, but the house is rented and is in my name. I feel that really he should be a grown up and realise its not going to work after all this time. However u also know that thats wishful thinking.

Well so just terminate your contract. Tell your ex contract terminated so we all have to go and no, you're not coming with me. He can't do anything about that!

Has he always been like this OP?

This sounds like paranoid personality disorder, I know it from bitter experience. My ex used to go through my phone, not find anything but say he's seen suggestive messages before and now I've deleted them. You will never convince him of your innocence, this is a severe condition and logic and appealing simply dont work. I'm guessing he doesnt have insight at all?
You need to distance yourself now in whatever way you can.