Help me not give my DM money to fix her boiler

[Sickoffamilydrama]

My DM is terrible I mean terrible with money.

At one point she had more income that me but would still always be broke. She loves alone but has lodgers so only her to keep whereas my income was going on a family of five.

Over the years I've paid for her cars to be fixed, shared the cost of a new oven with siblings, shared the costs of heating oil with siblings, paid for pest control, subbed her share of holiday costs, paid for groceries & her share of meals out.

She never spends on her house maintenance of saving for a rainy day but will always find money for things like plants or for her pets.

So the house hasn't had much done to it for 20 years and is beginning to fall apart around her she has a good amount of equity in it and had been talking about moving, it's in a really desirable area so will sell quickly but she's decided she can't go to anything much smaller and can't find anything she likes.

Anyway so chatting today and she mentions my boiler has stopped working. Obviously she has no money to get it fixed that's a given. She has hot water, a fire and plug in heaters.

She regularly doesn't have enough to pay for oil so goes without heating for a while and has done that since I lived a home as a teen a very long time ago

I do have some money a very small amount, saved but it's already allocated for something that I'm committed too (i.e I have to have that money) which would mean I need to pay for that on credit.

So I've decided not to offer her any money because she's an adult, this has been coming for a good while and she could have saved a contingency amount for it. If it wasn't this it would be something else and even if I do help her she will probably then not buy oil anyway!

Problem is it feels awful to be leaving my mum with no heating.

Don't know what I'm wanting from this thread.

Stop enabling your mother's outrageous immaturity, and you have done more than enough to help her over the years. It's about time that she has to deal with her own messes.

You’ve got your own obligations, you’re not responsible for your mum as well. No way should you feel bad about that

She can't go to anything much smaller and can't find anything she likes

If you mean she doesn't want to downsize that's her decision - one she'll doubtless stick to while you're bailing her out

A couple of plug in heaters will be a darned sight cheaper than repairing the boiler, so why not suggest she gets a couple while saving up for the bigger job?

She mentioned her boiler is knackered cos she knows you're soft. It wasn't an off hand comment from a regular person, it was a targeted attempt from a manipulator.

Sorry, I see you said she already has plug in heaters - also that she's got hot water (presumably from an immersion heater?)

So since it's clearly not an emergency I'm not sure why you need to involve yourself in it at all?

I think you're doing the right thing OP. If you had all the money in the world it would be different, but you don't, and she will get it fixed in her own time, like she has before.

Try not to feel guilty - she is a grown woman who can make her own financial choices.

At best I'd send her (not now, later on) a link or leaflets about money management/budgeting. She been like this since you were a child, she needs to adult like the rest of us. She's capable of organising lodgers so it's not down to lack of ability.

Thanks Aqua & HerRoyal I was expecting everyone to say don't be heartless but yes I have 4 people relying on me being financially stable.

Puzzle you got it one she doesn't want to move unless she can swap like for like, she's can be a terrible snob and did say to me all I can afford after I've paid off my debts is something tiny but actually she'd have the same amount spare as my house is worth now so hardly like moving to a hovel.

She does have plug in heaters already.

I should be clear she never asks for money but always talks about how she'll have to do X/Y, she is very kind and will give you her last penny but sometimes to her own detriment.

I do think her parents have fed this behaviour as they have always bailed her out as well.

Absolutely no need for you to pay. When I grew up C/H was rare and perhaps being a bit cold for a few days will help her come to the realisation that she has to prioritise keeping warm and secure at home above other things she likes.

I was expecting everyone to say don't be heartless

Don't worry, the "how could you do this to the woman who bore you" folk will be along any moment - often having failed to read your post in full

Not wanting anything smaller is entirely her decision to make, but the consequences are hers too, and as said there seems no good reason for you to pick up the pieces here

She's an entitled, CF. Don't give her a penny. She's a grown woman who can't manage her finances and you're enabling her. Stop now.

Plonque interesting you say that as I've sometimes thought that, I'm not even certain she's even aware she's doing it, I think she almost conditioned herself that people should help her out.

Unfortunately it's rubbed off on one of my siblings who is feckless and I suspect she sends money to.

@pooopypants

She's an entitled, CF. Don't give her a penny. She's a grown woman who can't manage her finances and you're enabling her. Stop now.

Thanks this is the conclusion my DSis and I came to when we spoke about it earlier, without the CF part.

It's helpful that others are seeing the same as me!

When I read your thread title, I was going to say of course you should help your mum, but after reading it all, no definitely don't.

Effectively you'll be getting into debt to help her won't you? If she needs it so badly and can't afford it, she could borrow the money and be in debt herself?

She did say to me all I can afford after I've paid off my debts is something tiny

So if you've all been paying for her groceries, heating fuel, car and holidays and she has income from a lodger too, why is she in debt?

If the answer's that "she's just wasted it" or that "it's just gone", that's even more reason to step back ... after all why would you keep doing the same thing but expect a different outcome?

You're all enabling her. She's a money black hole. Stop filling it.

Thanks again puzzle I will point out it hasn't been all the time but yes there doesn't seem to be anything tangible for her money.

At least when we've been broke it's because we were renovating our house so invested every spare penny into it. I'm sure if she had invested the money she's wasted in her house over the years it would be worth at least 200k more than it is now.

AnotherEmma a money black hole might become my new favourite phrase.

(My mum is similar with money, the difference is that I don't give her any, but I do get sick of her moaning about lack of money and justifying extravagant spends virtually in the same breath!)

I do feel for you OP. My BF's "D"M is very similar. She's not going to change is she but you can change how you deal with it

I’m assuming you have DC??
You need to break the cycle and teach your kids a different way of living. You don’t want them to end up like this do you??

Your mum clearly has options but she doesn’t want to take them. That’s her choice. You need to choose financial stability, budgeting and living within your means if you want the best possible future for your DC
Well done on recognising the issue here OP, that’s a huge step.

You can't give her any more money ; you and your family have already bailed her out so many times . You shouldn't have to get into credit card debt to sort out your mum's chronic financial mismanagement . The money you have saved is ringfenced .
Please don't feel guilty about saying no . That's easier said than done , I know . I too have lost huge amounts of time , effort and money to close family members . It's never fair.

I can't bear people like this.

A friend's mum has been like this all her life. It's like her my money is for going out, clothes and frittering away and then turns to her adult DC to solve her problems.

They are caught up in the FOG. So much so it causes problems for them in their own relationships. But she doesn't care, she's a parasite.

Yes I do get feed up of the moaning about no money, then she's out & about or bought something else she doesn't really need.

Yes 3 children & DH is SAHP at the moment whilst youngest still needs a lot of input.
I'm very aware of breaking the cycle it might have gone to far the other way with the eldest who is very frugal although could be just she's very content

I do need to step up the eldest two 'training' around money now they are a bit older so they have a good understanding.

See if she is eligible for any of the government/energy company grants that are currently available to certain people. Suggest it to her and then she can do the research herself.

Stop enabling her! You’ve got your own family to pay for.