Help me not give my DM money to fix her boiler

[Sickoffamilydrama]

My DM is terrible I mean terrible with money.

At one point she had more income that me but would still always be broke. She loves alone but has lodgers so only her to keep whereas my income was going on a family of five.

Over the years I've paid for her cars to be fixed, shared the cost of a new oven with siblings, shared the costs of heating oil with siblings, paid for pest control, subbed her share of holiday costs, paid for groceries & her share of meals out.

She never spends on her house maintenance of saving for a rainy day but will always find money for things like plants or for her pets.

So the house hasn't had much done to it for 20 years and is beginning to fall apart around her she has a good amount of equity in it and had been talking about moving, it's in a really desirable area so will sell quickly but she's decided she can't go to anything much smaller and can't find anything she likes.

Anyway so chatting today and she mentions my boiler has stopped working. Obviously she has no money to get it fixed that's a given. She has hot water, a fire and plug in heaters.

She regularly doesn't have enough to pay for oil so goes without heating for a while and has done that since I lived a home as a teen a very long time ago

I do have some money a very small amount, saved but it's already allocated for something that I'm committed too (i.e I have to have that money) which would mean I need to pay for that on credit.

So I've decided not to offer her any money because she's an adult, this has been coming for a good while and she could have saved a contingency amount for it. If it wasn't this it would be something else and even if I do help her she will probably then not buy oil anyway!

Problem is it feels awful to be leaving my mum with no heating.

Don't know what I'm wanting from this thread.

When you find out let me know, I am always helping my mother financially.
She is a lot older now and lives of a state and private pension but never ever seems to have any money for anything to do with her house.
I feel so guilty when she asks to borrow money that I always lend it to her and never get it back.

Neither a lender or a borrower be. Tell her that the Bank of SickofFamilyDrama is now closed.

Enabling only gives you a false sense of control and does not help you or for that matter your mother. Its not your fault she is financially irresponsible and her own parents did the same with her also; they certainly did not help her.

dewisant2020

She is parentifying you, and putting you in the position of being financially responsible for the parent, which is backwards, upside down, unnatural and unhealthy. She's an adult, and responsible for her own financial situation. YOU. ARE. NOT.

Don't give her money. She doesn't repay it. If necessary, remind her she doesn't repay it and she can't have any.

You don’t have any spare money to give her. She can take out a loan or use credit cards to pay for it.

She has heat and hot water. She’ll be fine.

There’s no way I’d be enabling her any more. “Sorry I can’t help, I’m budgeting for X”

I’ve just explained to my 11 year old that no, I won’t be funding her gift list for her friends (6 friends x £5 each) plus £35 for daddy ( ex DH)
She has spends, well she would have if she tidied her room! (£5 Pw)

Child or adult...we pay our own way🙂

It sounds like you are used to being manipulated by her. Like you are in that term FOG fear obligation and guilt. Would the Toxic Parent book help? Her parents enabling means that you siblings felt you had to carry it on. You need to stop. The money you have is already there for something end of. So you don't have any spare. And I am sorry but if you are not comfortably off to afford all of this, why the hell should you kids go without to enable her. What if your boiler or car broke. Who would help you?

Stop paying. As hard as it is, you have to. People like this bleed others dry if they are allowed to.

I know someone like this and I truly don't understand this kind of thinking.
Her DH just got back to work after being off due to covid. Their house is in such disrepair, shower unusable, power not working in half the house, things like that.Instead of thinking about getting caught up on bills, she is online looking at £300 figurines!

I don't understand it.

Don't feel obliged to give it to her. She has hot water and and heaters. She is doing better than most!

What is she spending her money on ?
Is she gambling ?
What do her lodgers think of a house with no heat ?

She can't go to anything much smaller and can't find anything she likes Then you and your DSis will have to accept that she has chosen to live as she does, with all of its shortcomings. You can't take food, clothing, life experiences from your kids to support her choices, or those of your other sibling, that isn't how life works.

Stick close to your DSis and help each other remain strong agaist any future blandishments.

I know how hard it is, DH is currently blocking all thoughts of , let alone contact with, both of his siblings despite knowng that they are each, in their own way, up Shit Creek...

You are doing the right thing.

Everyone's thoughts and comments are really helpful, it doesn't help that I feel sorry for her I don't think she has ever been given the tools to be emotionally and financially mature.

It's taken me years to learn to manage these things and I'm still a work in progress

I really don't know what she spends her money on her siblings are all retired so they go out a lot, one of our grandparents is still alive and she does seem to always be buying them something or doing something with them.

She only has 1 lodger left, I'm sure some have left over the years because of the cold, she doesn't seem to notice the cold but we all actively avoid her house in the winter, although even before Covid she seems more focused on spending time with our grandparent than her kids and grandchildren.

The familiar phrase is they are xx years old so haven't got much time left, I always think well by the time they do die my kids will be grown up and you will have missed that time.

I've digressed to another issue there but think it's all linked to the emotional immaturity.

she is very kind and will give you her last penny
Really? Nothing in your first post describing how you and your siblings have constantly bailed her out over the years suggests that the reason she is so skint is because she's been giving her money away? Is this actually how she describes herself, to make you feel like you should do the same?

You don't have the money to give. It may be 'resting in your account' to quote Father Ted but in effect it is spent. Can you spend it on what it's allocated to any sooner, so it it isn't even in your account any more?

I feel sorry for her I don't think she has ever been given the tools to be emotionally and financially mature.
Because people keep bailing her out. And politely agreeing when she says she can't possibly downsize to a smaller house.

The familiar phrase is they are xx years old so haven't got much time left

With my relative it was "Ooooo I'm living too long aren't I?" ... in the end I learned to simply not reply

Not sure about her "never having been given the tools to be emotionally and financially mature" though. Providing she has capacity, IMO there's only so much of this that can be taught and after that it comes down to the individual's choice

The best response to your feelings of guilt is to do the best you can to help her change: don't enable her, maybe talk to her about why you can't lend her money, model good behaviour with money. Chances are she's too set in her ways now, but give her her best chance to change.

You have to stop enabling her and keep your focus on your own family. Hopefully she will get the message.

OP I wonder if this is a good moment to reflect on the impact your mums immaturity has had on your life - you sound like you have adopted a parent child relationship with her where you are the parent. You also mention that there are 4 people dependent on you for financial stability - who supports you? When do you allow yourself to come first. Honestly it is the hardest thing sometimes, so do think about you.

You need to prioritise your own family.
Think about how much money you’ve given her over the years and how much more secure you’d feel right now with that money.
Then practise saying something like ‘I can’t help you out at the moment, in fact I was hoping you could pay me back the money I lent you for the xxx’

You sound sympathetic that she’s not learned the right skills with money, but she never will if she keeps being bailed out.

Good luck

I completely get what some have said about you can only blame her financial immaturity on not having been taught it so much, I was never taught it yet I learnt.

It's helpful to keep thinking of my kids & DH who are by no means neglected but there is things I'd love to do with them that cost so I could be putting money to that.

Oh & thanks wondering you are right luckily DH are both supportive of each other and as we both have 'quirky' families back each other up & are each others sounding boards.

Just don’t get involved. Have a serious talk with her - that you can’t afford to keep helping her out and that she probably does now need to downsize. Leave ball in her court. Her choice what she does.
Leave her to it so far as her house and living expenses are concerned.

Did you get sorted @Sickoffamilydrama ?