Wife v mother

[Warsawa31]

Hi all,

Could really do with some perspective.

My wife hates my mother - literally hates her. We have been together for 15 years and in all that time they have never had an argument.
DW sees everything my mother does as a slight against her, I feel like I'm in no mans land because of jump to her defence if needed but all the "situations" don't make sense to me.

For instance, today my mother said she will pop over to give our DD gifts next Sunday, (won't come in covid police) my wife said - your mum always gets her own way, she treats me like shit and thinks material stuff can make up for it.

I honestly don't know why she has so much bitterness towards DM, my mum is ok - I could accept DW not liking her - sometimes you just don't like someone, but it's driving a wedge now.

When our DD was born my mum was video calling every day - I said to her we need boundaries as it's too much - that was respected.

I'm seriously considering separation - we both are, it's a shame because we get on so well but both of our mental health is suffering and DD shouldn't have to live with it.

I really wish I could give you some concrete examples but I can't - my wife had a really really bad childhood and I feel like she projects a lot of hurt into my mum - i just don't know what to do, feels like my choices are to cut my mother out or divorce neither of which I want

Hmm my DH told me my bad DC affected my relationships too. He never saw what his mother did as being an issue. Took a long time for him to climb out the fog. Interesting that you have no examples- I think you havent been listening to your wife for years and she has had enough. Your mother video calling everyday is totally unreasonable. I wonder how long it took you to put a stop to that without making your wife feel bad.

How old is your DD? What was your wife’s relationship like with your mum before she became pregnant? Has there been a big change in the number of visits or contact since your daughter came along and in what direction?
It’s hard to know who is at fault on the sparse information you give but the birth of a first baby is often the point where relationships with parents or in-laws sadly deteriorate.
Some more background would be helpful.

My first MIL was suffocating. So nice and kind but exH was golden child and she was Sainted Mother. She was in our business all the time and I just didn't want her there.

I loved my second MIL so I don't think it's me.

Can you not have a relationship with your mum away from your wife?

Good points already made. When you say 'my mother said she will pop o over on Sunday', does that mean she asked if it would be convenient, or you were merely told that would be happening. If it's the latter, that would naff me off too.

Well something must have triggered it...have you not checked in 15 years with your wife what it is that your mum sets off in her?

Thanks for replies - they haven't never really formed a relationship - the word I would use to describe their relationship prior to DD would be "indifference"

Of course having a child does force more contact so issues come to light

Spongebob- the thing is my mum just wants to drop off gifts for DD - for Christmas, how is that enough to annoy someone? I'm not trying to defend my mother but I really don't get how that would be upsetting.

I feel for you, what a situation to be in, rock and a hard place comes to mind. But to find yourself contemplating a separation in your marriage, which you don’t want, just to get some peace is a very sad thing. I do wonder if after 15 years of this simmering dislike by your wife what is to be done. Is your Mother aware of her DIL’s feelings or is it all below the surface stuff, you getting it in the ear every time yr Mum says or does anything. Dropping gifts over for her granddaughter doesn’t sound the worst thing your Mum could do! I mean does your Mum cross boundaries or could your wife be jealous of your relationship with your Mother? Putting up with this for 15 years, trying to keep the peace sounds exhausting.

My wife said my mums sees her as a incubator - she doesn't care about her as a person, or bothered to make an effort with her.

That's not exclusive to her though ! My mum can be cold, when I dislocated my arm I asked her for a lift to the hospital and she said no as she was in her Nightie and was comfy lol. I don't hold a grudge and I don't expect people to be something they aren't - it just leads to disappointment.

So that's my take on life - opposite to my wife, no right or wrong but our attitudes clash

@Onthemaintrunkline

Thanks for that - brought tears to my eyes actually

Your own mum wouldn't take you to the hospital?! If she treats her own DS like that, I wonder how she treats her DIL...

Wars well, if you don't see why that might be annoying, particularly if it is part of a pattern of behaviour from your mother, I'm not sure I can convince you. There's obviously a problem here, so putting your hands over your ears won't help you.

What happens when you try to discuss this with your dw? Does she fly off the handle unreasonably and advise her of things which aren't true, or can she articulate what the issue is and complains your not listening?
Childhood baggage can be powerful, it is possible that your dw has some triggers which your DM is setting off in all innocence.
Perhaps approach it from an angle of it would be highly desirable for DD to have her family able to find a balance and maintain relations between themselves, and what do we need to do to make that happen... If your wife has certain boundaries which need to be respected maybe just being clear what they are and respectfully requesting they are observed might enable her to tolerate her presence in her life in a civil fashion.

personally, I could never be with someone who actively hated my mother or father and I'm sure my DH feels the same way.

Bloody hell, your own mother wouldn't take you to the hospital. That's not just cold, that's downright uncaring and weird. I can see why your wife might not be falling over herself to get on with your mum. I also wonder if you are used to this bad behaviour from your mum and have normalised it to the point that you can't see what your wife is seeing from an outside perspective. Are you sure it's just your wife who has a really, really bad childhood?

@RealisticSketch

She gets extremely angry, quite often in the middle of the night, on first waking - out of nowhere. When she is close to period she focuses on it a great deal.

I'm more than willing to stand up for her and I have to many people but only when there is an actual problem I can see - even being generous.

Her childhood was ruined by her dad beating her mum, raping her mum, fleeing to England, her mum meeting an even worse man the list goes on.

I don't want to leave her in this world alone, she had had enough pain for a lifetime and I love her so much but this is just getting in the way

Read your update. To be honest my own mil would shed no years of I died. It pains me as I would love a warm relationship with her but she hasn't got a warm bone in her body. I want my dh and dc To have her in their life so I just do the polite thing and swallow my dislike. My dh knows how I feel and can see why I feel it so I don't feel the need to push back against her... But, she also doesn't invade my space, I would struggle to be so lassaiz faire if she did.
It seems you can see where the dislike comes from so can you say that to your dw, but also say that you don't want her to be entirely absent from your life and your dd life. All her what she needs to make the possible. All her if she can accept her presence but see what it would take to do that. So agree a visit every month and ok to meet to exchange gifts for special occasions. For those times she makes the best of it and in return she gets to manage how much of your mum she can cope with?

There are worse things than being alone. Obviously she thinks one of those things is being in a marriage to a man who doesn’t understand her and lets his mother interfere in a harmful way. I’m not saying she’s objectively right but don’t stay with her out of pity because she had a shit upbringing.

My DB is in your situation only they have been together for 25 years. It has been unbearable for the whole family at times so I feel for you. My DM is very different to my SIL. Partly a generation thing. Neither party means harm; both see themself as the victim, and DB is stuck in the middle.

My DH can be like this sometimes with my DM. We have locked horns over it but I certainly don’t let him get away with his comments, reminding him of his not so perfect parents. It’s difficult because at one point he was very bitter, it’s gotten better now as he knows I won’t stand for it.
I think some of it was potentially jealously of the way my DM was with the kids & his parents don’t make as much of an effort. DM isn’t perfect & annoys me frequently but I’m also more laid back whereas DH takes things more personally & they grate on him for longer, so an example in your OP of your DM dropping the presents round, so what? I don’t see the issue either.
Definitely ask her to stop or keep it to herself, it creates such a divide.

Its no wonder she feels like an incubator. As it sounds like your mother has only made an effort after your DC was born. She is your mother and you view her behaviour as normal. Most mothers wouldnt leave there DC to head to hospital on there own having sustained a broken bone. So whislt you can laugh it off most wouldnt.

As for your wife having a traumatic upbringing. We all have our pasts but having an abusive one makes you harden to those around you who arent kind. So sounds like your wife has no time for a woman who has made no effort and only appeared when your DC arrived...So I see her point

Is it because your mum has said she’s bringing gifts on Sunday without actually asking if that’s convenient for you?

OP, you said your Mum TOLD you that she was coming over on the specific day to give your DD her presents - did she say "What time is convenient for you & DW for me to pop over and drop off DD's presents?" or did she just present it as "I am coming over on X day". Because if the latter is how your mother commenly operates then I can understand why your wife would not like that - I don't like being told when someone is coming to my house without an invitation or checking with me.

Does your wife have close friends that she can vent to, is she still connected to her family despite the difficult childhood? If not I wonder if you are getting it 'all' from her (frustration, anger etc at all the things your mother does even the little things that irritate her) because she has no where else for that frustration to go which puts you in an akward position as you are caught in the middle of the two. Many people, including myself have or have had periods of bad relationships with an inlaw/the inlaws but I was able to vent to others such as family and friends so my husband really only heard about it when I had been really pushed too far, it was valuable to have others to listen, it meant I could get the frustration out without putting him in that position which I recognised was awkward. Could you encourage her to talk to someone outside of the marriage, to build her network, try to explain you are in a difficult position and though you love her you are struggling?

People are often blind to their parents faults or fail to see problems with their behaviour because they're so used to them. Dealing with other people's families can be stressful, especially if you don't like the way you are treated.

My ex mil hated me from the start. She would say and do hateful belittling things. I could write a whole catalogue of things she did. I hated her behaviour in return but sucked it up to keep the peace. I deeply regret keeping my mouth shut. It was her drip drip drip of poison in my partner's ear that destroyed the relationship. I'm sure my ex knew just how nasty she was but being still tied to her apron he simply couldn't go against her.
Please don't loose your partner and children. I would wager that you're partner needs your support more than you dm.