Wife v mother

[Warsawa31]

Hi all,

Could really do with some perspective.

My wife hates my mother - literally hates her. We have been together for 15 years and in all that time they have never had an argument.
DW sees everything my mother does as a slight against her, I feel like I'm in no mans land because of jump to her defence if needed but all the "situations" don't make sense to me.

For instance, today my mother said she will pop over to give our DD gifts next Sunday, (won't come in covid police) my wife said - your mum always gets her own way, she treats me like shit and thinks material stuff can make up for it.

I honestly don't know why she has so much bitterness towards DM, my mum is ok - I could accept DW not liking her - sometimes you just don't like someone, but it's driving a wedge now.

When our DD was born my mum was video calling every day - I said to her we need boundaries as it's too much - that was respected.

I'm seriously considering separation - we both are, it's a shame because we get on so well but both of our mental health is suffering and DD shouldn't have to live with it.

I really wish I could give you some concrete examples but I can't - my wife had a really really bad childhood and I feel like she projects a lot of hurt into my mum - i just don't know what to do, feels like my choices are to cut my mother out or divorce neither of which I want

My FIL treats my husband badly and I can't stand him because of that. The "not taking you to the hospital episode" is the sort of thing that could be affecting and triggering your wife quite badly. She will not like you treated like that and it will be bringing back traumatic memories.

For instance, today my mother said she will pop over to give our DD gifts next Sunday, (won't come in covid police) my wife said - your mum always gets her own way, she treats me like shit and thinks material stuff can make up for it.

Is it a convenient day for the family ? Is she likely to pop over at an agreed time or is she one of those MIL who expect you to wait in until whatever time suits her?

I can see why your mum would annoy your wife. Indifferent while you were childless to video calling daily after a baby is born screams I only care about your ability to birth my grandchildren.

The hospital story is shocking. That's really cold and abnormal behaviour from her. If she refused to drive you to the hospital when your dd needed medical care would you honestly say "Oh well, I don't bear grudges?" If I was your neighbour and you asked for a lift, I would get changed and drive you ASAP.

Is all else good within the marriage? If so, it seems drastic that you feel that the only way forward is to split.
Could your wife and mother go NC? I know this isn't an ideal but if it really is the only sticking point in an otherwise good and loving relationship, perhaps it's a way to may things work?

*make things work, not may 🙄

We don't know the context of DM not driving the OP to the hospital (perhaps the OP downplayed how much it hurt). Or that DM was indifferent before the birth. OP I personally think you or your DW going NC with your DM is a drastic measure reserved for truly toxic relationships, not one where DM wants to video call too much and drop presents round at an inconvenient time (which the OP could just tell her and rearrange). Many from an older generation just have different attitudes to things like dropping round. Maybe it's a bit annoying but I don't see this as big deal behaviour.

Your mother refusing to drive you to hospital because she was in her nightie is chilling behaviour towards her own child

Would you treat your own children the same, OP?

I think your wifes upbringing probably hardened her to life.
Sometimes when the niceties of life have not been present when growing up you form protective attitude to yourself.

ie; less likely to accept crap from people.
She knows relationships in any way shape or form can disintigrate and be destroyed easily.
Therefor the normal social boundaries that keep people stum and quiet to keep the peace do not worry her.

She, I should imagine is a strong lady from what she has been through but it doesn't mean she cannot judge an injustice.

What you consider she should put up with is probably not going to happen as you would like. The only way to remain married is to keep your mom and wife apart and don't pressurize her to see her.

I cannot see them being friends.

Have you asked her what the right way to handle this present thing would have been?